To ask for no presents for DD

[OopsieDaisyB]

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

I totally get this, loads of ‘stuff’ drives me nuts too!
I would see what happens for her first Christmas and birthday, and then decide. People often go all out for ‘firsts’ and then it tails off.
If it’s still excessive in the future, you could ask people to club together for a bigger high quality item, like a lovely swing for the garden, or playhouse, or tickets to the panto as a group, or whatever. Then it’s something you’ll definitely use, or a day out as a family which would be lovely.

we've asked for money towards annual zoo /farm pass for the last 2 year's as a family gift IF people are happy to do so. we get about half and half money and gifts. we then send photos to those that gave money of the kids having a blast.

I can see where you come from and have myself talked about limiting the gifts when we have kids one day. They get PJs and a small gift on the 24th as I am german and would like to keep a little of my own tradition still. Weather my mum wants to gift (will probably be a red envelope with money as is chinese tradition) on the 24th or 25th is up to her when she moves here but we have promised to celebrate 'Heiligabend' (christmas eve) with her and if her home is big enough stay over if she wants us to. Then Christmas day there is 3 more gifts from us (something they want, something they need, something for us to do together such as an experience or game etc). There will be one gift from each household on fiancé's side if they want to gift but we will make it clear to limit it to one gift. That is 8 gifts and already slightly more then I would like but I realise I also have to allow close family to chose to give them gifts. I really don't get this whole mountain of gifts I see social media and the parents beaming with pride at how big it is. Makes it feel it is far more about 'look how great I am to get my child all this' then about the child.

People generally love having new babies in the family, let them buy her stuff. Why does it matter?

Fwiw i don't fully agree with the Mumsnet mantra your child your rules. Or at least, i agree it can be that way but it's not the way i raise my children, i am more if an "it takes a village" type and i think they gain a lot from having different influences in their life. And when i was talking about allowing people the pleasure of giving gifts - it's pleasure from making your child happy, which is different from selfish pleasure - it builds bonds. Yes, so do experiences and i would definitely count those as presents too. Sometimes, though, you're stuck indoors and need toys etc to keep them occupied. Mine are currently ensconced in the dreaded hama beads leaving me to pack the car.

Imagine growing up and not getting presents from people because your mum wouldn't allow it I can't imagine how damaging that will be for your relationship.

I think you'll change your mind when your child is 3 and you see their joy at receiving gifts. My ds is 3 and he loves presents, he also loves giving presents as he knows they make people happy.

I asked him if he thought Santa would bring a present for mummy this year or if he only brings children presents. He said, 'don't worry mummy, I'll share mine with you'.

I think it's a bit miserable to not allow anyone else to share that joy with your child.

Presumably you are going to lead the way here OP by not accepting gifts for yourself?

I have done this with family and friends. My children have Godparents. The Godparent only buys for their Godchild. The Godparent also receives a present from me the child!

I stopped the madness of every aunt and uncle buying for every niece and nephew. And everyone was actually relieved! My friend used to also buy for my 4 and I stopped that. We still exchange gifts just between the two of us, but no longer buy each others children gifts.

Santa brings more than enough to my children, so they have plenty to unwrap. They certainly don't ever look miserable or like the joy of Christmas has been sucked from them 🙄. They get more on Christmas Day (from Santa) than they ever get during the year and all the excitement with it.

They don't expect gifts from every blood relation, so are always very happy to just see everyone and show them what Santa brought.

I don't understand why other people get so worked up about a choice a person makes for their family. OP, start as you mean to go on. It's fine now with only 1 child but when more children start appearing people might feel underpressure to maintain what has been established. I know my family were all relieved when we stopped it.

Imagine growing up and not getting presents from people because your mum wouldn't allow it sad I can't imagine how damaging that will be for your relationship

Of for fuck sake!!! Talk about dramatic.

As kids we never got presents from aunts and uncles because back in the 70s and 80s with between 4-7 children in each family our aunts and uncles had little money and enough to be doing sorting out their own children. I never ever EVER expected gifts from anyone other than Santa!!

Occasionally if a relative visited from a few hours away a bag of sweet or some chocolate bars would be brought, but that was it.

And my relationship with my mother is perfectly fine, as it is with my aunts and uncles.

I do sometimes think most of the replies on here are just taking the piss for a laugh. I've never met people in real life who hold what seems to be the majority views on mumsnet.

Imagine growing up and not getting presents from people because your mum wouldn't allow it sad I can't imagine how damaging that will be for your relationship

Of for fuck sake!!! Talk about dramatic.

Not dramatic. Realistic.

As kids we never got presents from aunts and uncles because back in the 70s and 80s with between 4-7 children in each family our aunts and uncles had little money and enough to be doing sorting out their own children. I never ever EVER expected gifts from anyone other than Santa!!

2 factors here. 40 years have passed. All families are not your family.

I do sometimes think most of the replies on here are just taking the piss for a laugh.

Mine wasn't a piss take. I genuinely think it's an awful thing to choose to do to a child.

I've never met people in real life who hold what seems to be the majority views on mumsnet

Me neither, but of course, that statement works both ways.

Yes, every family is not my family. And I can only speak from my experience and say not receiving presents from everyone and anyone has not adversely affected me, or my relationships with any relatives.

My children don't receive presents from every aunt and uncle and none of them are joyless, miserable children.

Build an expectation of gifts and children will expect gifts. Build the excitement of Santa coming and children will share that excitement with anyone who will listen.

You only have to read a few threads here to see what damage the expectation of giving/receiving gifts does to people at this time of year. Loads of threads where it has become a huge issue in families.

OP, as has been so eloquently pointed out. "All families are not your family". Make the decision you feel is right for your family and let others make their's. Anyone whose relationship with their mother has been damaged because they didn't receive gifts from all aunts, uncles, grandparents at Christmas has bigger issues than just gifts!

As an aunty who loves her nephew very much but has no fucking clue what to ever buy for him, I would love this suggestion! 😂
I do think it’ll have to be a suggestion or an idea rather than a rule, some grandparents and aunties and uncles will always spoil them with presents no matter what you’ve said and you can’t really stop that unfortunately!

My children are just grown. I've never spent extravagant sums or bought them tons of gifts at Christmas. They have gifts from 3 or fewer others. One year only they were actually bought stunningly expensive gifts as they were necessary. I think this approach has contributed to making them responsible and also pleased with the gifts they get and the things they have, rather than spoiled and demanding.

This thing about days out instead of gifts doesn't take into account the expense. I didn't mind before I had my own, I had more disposable income and time, but now when someone says oh just take him out for the day instead of a gift, ok but your child is six years older than mine so I've either got to find childcare or something that will suit both (difficult) , I'm then paying for your child, my child and me, maybe DH too , for the event plus drinks, food, transport, for something we wouldn't have even gone to other than as a gift for your child. A cousin said this to me recently and suggested a theatre production locally 'it's only £20 a ticket' I'd usually spend more than that on a gift, but I wouldn't need one ticket I'd need at least two, plus childcare, plus parking (£18 or train £16.50 plus station parking), lunch, drinks or sweets, probably a programme or shine other momento and all of a sudden it's the best part of £100 and something my own child is too young for, so money and time I can't spend with them, when you're working full time that's quite an ask. Alternatively I book something suitable for my child that the older relative won't really enjoy much and spend double that by including DS and DH. YANBU to ask for less plastic or no more than one present etc but other than that you need to think through what you're asking. Even money, I just got a really good deal on a huge box of Lego for a friend's son, I'd feel mean putting that amount in a card.

Not all the gifts your DC receive have to live at your house.

There may be some that are more suited to staying and being used at the giver's house.

* I think you'll change your mind when your child is 3 and you see their joy at receiving gifts. My ds is 3 and he loves presents, he also loves giving presents as he knows they make people happy.*
see, that’s where things are going wrong. presents are not necessary to make people happy. Neither receiving nor giving stuff is related to happiness. a lot of things make people happy, and the OP has suggested others, lime spending time together

see, that’s where things are going wrong. presents are not necessary to make people happy. Neither receiving nor giving stuff is related to happiness. a lot of things make people happy, and the OP has suggested others, lime spending time together

🙄 gift giving is an age old tradition. I don't think there's a culture in the world that doesn't do it. Except perhaps Jehovah witnesses.

To be honest I quite like the idea. Not so long ago a child would get one gift on Christmas and that would be it. Things have gotten too materialistic. But then I like minimalism so my view may be different from others.

As others have suggested it may be a difficult task for you. You could make an amazon or other gift list. Just put things on there she does need. You can also pin gifts not on amazon such as zoo pass, book vouchers, money for savings.

I don't think you'd get away with getting rid of gifts completely, but I see nothing wrong with redirecting gifts into experiences, vouchers, or savings, and having only a few physical toys you know your child would really treasure.

My family buy my kids premium bonds. It was their suggestion and I was delighted. Nothing worse than to many toys and tat.

@itgetshardereveryday op is not saying no presents sge just does not want a mountain of gifts which is perfectly sensible

I'm with you on this OP, for what it's worth.

@lovepickledlimes I was responding to someone who said that gift giving and receiving shouldn't be related to happiness / enjoyment when it clearly is.

@itgetshardereveryday it should not be though or at least not to the extend it does these days. You have to admit the amount and types of presents has changed. My grandmother who is 92 considered an orange a gift growing up

The thing is, you can buy a gift for a small child for a fiver or so. But it feels a bit mean to only put a fiver in their savings account.
Likewise committing to taking them out for a day is potentially expensive financially, and certainly quite an investment in time.
The people who want to take them out would do it anyway. The others will think months later 'oh ffs,we promised to take little X out somewhere but every weekend's tied up with stuff'. Then it's a chore for them.
And giving to charity instead of seeing a kiddy's face light up because you've given them something, just doesn't do the job for many people. Remember that the giving is an important part of Christmas for many of us. Charity giving only works if the person in whose name it's being given has a charity or cause close to their heart, so your gift gives them pleasure.

Personally I'd put a stop to those same family members giving her gifts constantly throughout the year, rather than being the Christmas police. Simply say you don't have enough room for more toys and mean it. But say that books are always welcome and easier to store.