To ask for no presents for DD

[OopsieDaisyB]

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

I do understand where you are coming from OP. DP and I both come from large families and GPs on both sides like to spoil them. PIL are the worst for plastic tat.

IMO, I would never ask for money. I will ask for things that a more useful, like clothes, shoes, coats etc. DH and I also do tend to cut back somewhat on how much we get for them. The years of plastic tat don't last that long and your DC will soon be aware of what they get and will start asking for more expensive things. Despite the best of intentions on your part to avoid this. This year we have got DC Nintendo games (which are more expensive) and have left the actual physical toys for the relatives to buy.

I appreciate all the suggestions! All I'm doing is looking at ways to avoid having an influx of gifts and ways to reduce the impact having a child has on the planet. This was one idea I have been toying with. I had also considered gifts from us and her gp's but it's hard because she is equally involved with her great grans and uncles and aunties. So it's harder to apply it to some but not all. IYSWIM
It seems it may be the way forward while she's still young but perhaps in a few years I will need a rethink!

I don’t see why it has to be either spending time with/going on days out or giving presents. Some relatives might do one of those things, some will do both, some will do neither.

Weekly presents is ridiculous but presents twice a year is not.
Why should presents not be played with? I remember the excitement of getting Xmas presents, which were often things like board games and books which I loved. I didn’t much like watching films, so wouldn’t have liked something like cinema vouchers.

Little children don’t really get money or delayed gratification.

But if they aren't expecting 'gratification' in the form of a gift, then this doesn't apply. If they are used to getting a few toys and talking about and planning a day out, then that will be what they expect.

It is far more fun to see them opening a toy and getting excited.

But that's about the giver, not the child, which seems a bizarre reason to insist on giving un-needed gifts.

I don’t disagree with your sentiment but one of the things that I’ve seen brings grandparents joy is buying toys etc.

Assuming that this is now all about giving the grandparents joy, then wouldn't a whole day of joy spending time with the child in question be better and give more joy?

I’m completely with you, OP, and I think you’re being really thoughtful about this. I have asked people not to get my 4 year old presents. Some of my family wouldn’t bother anyway so that’s easy! But I’ve definitely felt fine asking people (nicely) not to get presents. You just end up with mountains of stuff and then want to be able to get things for any subsequent children, which you might not want to do if the house is already full of stuff!

@watersheep
You are right and I have tried to stop this. To be clear though I haven't called anything tat and the things my mum buys are clothes, books, bibs etc all useful and well intentioned (I would never refuse a book, they are wonderful!) but it builds up! I set her a limit of presents this year as she will go overboard. It just feels easier to apply the same rule to everyone, which I know most will accept happily, than single out my mum.

I think you have to either go for a) no presents or b) charity presents. Tou can't dictate people give her cash, that's the opposite message that you want her to learn. Some people get pleasure from giving gifts and will introduce her to things her parents perhaps haven't heard of (or would disapprove of!). That's part of the point of childhood gifts - just saying "I'd rather have the cash" is rude, though you can gently suggest it IF people ask. The thing is if you say no presents then people feel awkward unless it's a reciprocal arrangement - so you are effectively saying you're not going to give presents either - i think that has to be by mutual arrangement really, not just one person saying to the family that that is how things are going to be. Grandparents etc will probably want to buy their grandchild a present, and your dd will want to buy/make something in return. I have a thread going at the moment about no adult gifts so i am definitely not pro consumerism at all, but i think when it comes to children it's a bit different as by saying no presents you are deciding for them how other people are going to relate to your child and i am not sure it's for you to control.

‘I would be delighted if someone gave to a charity on my behalf.’

Yes but you’re an adult not a child. Could you send them a link to somewhere like Babipur and give them free range from their toy range?

I also think plastic toys can get an unfair amount of criticism. I’ve got all sorts of beautiful wooden toys that don’t get played with. The most played with toys in our house for the bab/toddler years have been cheap plastic stacking cups, tomy eggs, happyland and duplo.

If it’s her first Christmas you’re going to get loads it’ll probably settle down anyway.
You’ll be back in a couple of years saying nobody bought her anything.
Perhaps they like giving.

YABVU and actually rather selfish. Forcing this onto your daughter and making her the odd one out. Families giving and receiving gifts is normal and people enjoy doing it.

@RhymingRabbit3
No you are right there. But like I said they were suggestions. Not ultimatums. Working in a school I just see an awful lot of unwanted gifts given away after christmas and saw it as why not cut out the middle man 😂
This is a concept I can introduce to her in time, my little 5 year old niece is a recycling warrior!

What I have done for my dc is a "theme" as such.
For us, family always ask what we want so it isnt too much of an issue anyway though.

But for example, one year we bought a kitchen, so family bought a tea set, trolley, play food, cash register etc.
Another time it was a train set, so track, trains, surroundings (the lights and symbols and stuff), bridges etc.

That way, although they get a lot it all works together rather than ending up with a house full of random small toys.

To be clear though I haven't called anything tat and the things my mum buys are clothes, books, bibs etc all useful and well intentioned

As lovely as books, clothes and bibs are, if it's unnecessary and bought for the sake of buying then to me it's tat. I think you need to concentrate on stopping your mum from buying weekly items, before you try to limit other family members who may only give 2 presents a year.

YABU. It’s a bit late! Should have told people 2 months ago.

Well whatever you do, don't do it this year. They will be bought and wrapped by now.

I think they will want to give her gifts, and that they will likely get them whatever you say. I'd go with steering them gently instead.

I ask for books for my children from my siblings. I have three children and no niblings, so realise they could potentially feel the need to spend too much on gifts.

Last year, my brother bought the exact same book he bought last year for one of them....it's become a family joke. This year I offered to do the book buying for him.

It's nice for the kids to receive a gift, and a good book is a really valuable gift that doesn't take up much space.
I think you're too late for this year, but next year it's a thought.

I'd think your were a selfish puritanical git. Presumably you've had a lovey life full of Christmas and birthday gifts? But you don't want the same for your daughter due to your ideologies. I hope you don't accept gifts either then.

I’d happily buy books if pointed in that direction or clothes but I wouldn’t contribute to a savings pot or a blender as that’s down to parents to provide for a child.

I know a couple of people who ban presents for their children under the guise of saving the planet. Yet each bought a new pram etc.

I don't think i have ever given an unwanted child's gift away btw. They've always been delighted with their gifts, a lot of which have been second hand. There has been the odd duplicate book etc but they've been nice gifts in themselves so i have just regifted them. Kids do appreciate toys and books, they grow out of clothes, craft stuff gets used up. There are bigger things like swing sets and sand pits and scooters that enhance a childhood imo, and make life easier for parents. It's not really like adult gift giving imo when you're desperately trying to think of something to buy.

@longestlurkerever
I haven't said I would rather have cash, nor would I. It was like you say, an alternative to suggest. I know my brother and sister in law would gladly put aside some money for her. But I see what you mean about it being reciprocal

@longestlurkerever
No I haven't either but at work I have been given toys, still in the box! 😳I appreciate all the suggestions!

I'm not trying to be selfish and a Grinch and steal away her Christmas fun. Or be a money grabber. Nor do I have an agenda against plastic toys as @cremebrule says the tomy eggs are brilliant. I actually find that some wooden toys are far less durable and have bought her some stacking cups from a charity shop.
It's simply about volume of gifts. I know my family and I know they go overboard. I just want to find a way to gift responsibly.

@audacityofhope
My ideologies are based around giving her an environmentally friendly future. What I was given as a child bears no relevance on what I give my child. My mum often says she regrets the excess she went to when we were kids. I have bought her gifts, they are lovely. But they are not excessive.
@ghosthoward books always top my list! I just love them, that is what I have bought for all our nieces and nephews!
@Barneythedinosaur now THAT is lovely idea! Thanks for the alternative. It's genius!

What i do is have a conversation with their grandparents before Christmas and birthday about what would be appreciated. Some years there are some obvious things they would like - big ticket items for the garden for example - other years it has been more of a struggle to think of something suitable and we have gone for theatre tickets, adopt an animal or, yes, savings, but it has been by mutual agreement and has felt natural, not me saying, however politely, "i don't trust you to buy a decent gift". I am also not sure about the idea "plastic tat". My living room is currently covered in Peppa pig playsets. These were second hand and have brought endless joy to both my girls for years. I'll soon be passing them on to DN and they are in good nick. A much better use of plastic than the endless single use plastics my recycling bin is full of so an odd thing to focus on from an environmental perspective.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
No I bought everything or was given things by friends/ family secondhand. Got the most gorgeous crib in amazing condition!

You sound extremely ungrateful .