To ask for no presents for DD

[OopsieDaisyB]

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

OopsieDaisyB Please do have a look at Babipur if you haven’t already. Everything is sustainable and ethically made. I think it would be far easier to direct them towards something more in keeping with what you’re after rather than trying to say don’t buy toys

I decided after seeing my rather spoilt nieces and nephews opening present after present and discarding and moving on to the next, that I wasn’t going to buy them anythjgg BF anymore as it means nothing to them they have everything they want. So I opened a premium bonds account in each of their names which I pay £20 every Christmas and birthday which they will have paid to them when they turn 18. Not a vast sum of money but will pay for driving lessons or put towards first car etc.

@longestlurkerever
It's not that I don't trust them to buy a decent gift. I just don't trust them to limit the amounts of decent gifts they do buy 😂
I agree some plastic toys are worth their weight in gold. My niece was given a gorgeous wooden food play set. First time she put it in her mouth the paint came off 😳

We do amazon gift lists, on there can be anything, not just toys, could be clothes, beakers, Educational activities, Board games, Bath equipment, Bedding, Literally anything...

@EsmeSwan I'm ungrateful for trying to find a responsible alternative to excessive gift giving? For my child's sake and the financial implications in those buying the gifts Why?
@Cremebrule lovely idea, thank you!

That way, she gets things that is needed rather than stuff she doesn't need / already has

I’d take no notice and still buy presents,I’d just think u were a bit weird

I’d take no notice and still buy presents

I would too. It’s usually only the children it applies to and not the adults and you can tell when it’s come from the parent a mile away rather than the child.

If so concerned about the environmental impact of children then surely you wouldn’t actually have one?

@DecemberSnow @Hoolahlah66 both great alternatives too 😊 I guess the whole "spoilt" thing also comes into it. One year my niece unwrapped a present, looked at it, put it down and said NEXT!! 😳
@Christmaspug fair enough 😂

I wonder how many posters saying the OP is a grinch for wanting less presents for her child, will be on here in the new year moaning that their little angels are ungrateful for ignoring most of their gifts and only playing with a few. How many of the mountain of presents will be put away never to see the light of day again?

OopsieDaisyB - my nephew did the same and that’s why I decided to do what I do. Well actually I walked through the door and he said “do you have presents for me” before even saying hello. That’s probably more of a reflection on his parents however kids get caught up in the excitement of it all and even the most polite kid can forget their manners.

@danmthatonestakentryanotherone
Thank you! I feel like a lot of the arguments of me being "selfish" are because I'm potentially taking away the joy of the adult giving the gift. But like @CharityConundrum said, a special day with GP's is just as much, if not more joy?

It sounds very thoughtful to me. You are giving them a good choice of what to do. I think you're doing your daughter a big favour. The kids we know who have had everything they wanted are not necessarily the ones who grow up to be the nicest or most successful adults.

@Hoolahlah66
My niece is the most gorgeous polite little girl but she does have her moments like that. I once bought her a unicorn jumper that she had wanted for and she cried that it wasn't a toy. It's just so hard to know what is a nice gesture and what is too much!
@sophiajasmin
Thank you 😊

Christmas day can be overwhelming for children it's true. I have found myself feeling a bit sick with the excess sometimes. But i have started to think of it more as stocking up the toy and craft cupboard for the year ahead, rather than expecting everything to be fully appreciated on the day itself. My dd got out a sewing kit today that she got for her birthday in the summer. It's been overlooked since but is having its moment now.

One thing you could do is limit the number of people you buy for, who will buy for yours in return. I have a few people we don't see often that always send gifts in the post, that we reciprocate, but it's becoming harder and harder to choose something as their kids are getting older and i don't see them regularly enough to know what they're into. It would be better to knock it on the head in some ways but no one has broached it. On the other hand it does serve sone kind of purpose - when we so meet up my kids feel some kind of connection as they know these people as "the ones who sent those lovely bath bombs" or whatever, rather than a total stranger, and i get them to help pick the gifts in return for the same reason.

Other children in the family circle can make this harder. I would hate to be buying a nominal present for one neice while splashing out for another (I always do days out anyway). Last time I tried a day out instead my niece was "Lovely, can we go to London?" - not cheap option, we live in NI .

Other niece at 8 still hates getting money "No, Mummy, don't put it in the bank!" (Understands that it is her bank account but still really really hates it, I worry about her future ability to save or even pass a bank building!)

Definitely try to curtail the weekly gifts and make you sentiments generally known. You could limit everyone/gp to max of x (3?) gifts a year. Is there an app for this? - there should be. Each time they gift her they get message saying "you have y gift opportunities left". Too first world?

@Anotherplantandwhiskey
Haha I love that idea! Automatically blocks any transactions that are made after the agreed amount. You could be a millionaire with that idea. Or maybe not judging by some of this thread 😉
@longestlurkerever
That's a nice way to look at it when she's older. I am very crafty so that would be nice if she was too!
Unfortunately my present buying is already limited to just my immediate family as that is 9 people already. DP buys for 12, all close family 😶

childrens toys are sold or recycled because they are out grown quickly as they develop there is no toy suitable for a 1 year old that they will still be playing with when they are 6 apart from a favourite teddy bear

but lots of toys like building bricks train sets duplo, lego toy kitchen with food can be added to and provide lots of fun more so than a latest crazy thing like fingerlings or fidget spinners

other things like paint felt pens crayons and other crafty stuff get used up and need to be replaced etc

I think if you are giving to a charity it needs to be a charity that the recipient wants not the giver

I would love to do this myself as equally large family but tiny house.

There is an amount of stress during the aftermath of Christmas and birthdays where we have to get rid of things to fit in the new

@TeacupDrama
I have said the only thing I would like for her is building blocks. It all I can think of!
I agree with the charity being their choice. It was just an example as if it were me and instead of giving a gift to a child I new it would be a gift to a child but I certainly wouldn't impose a specific one on anyone at all. It would just be a suggestion of a charity

Regarding environmentally friendly products, there are some really good small companies on instagram.
Ones I can think of are toysbynature, frank&fox, littlegiftsofjenlove, playpouch, story stones (think it's something like story stones rock?).

They all do things which support small business and most are quite eco friendly too.
Directing family to places like that may help as well?

I have three nieces and two nephews and when they were growing up we didn't see them a huge amount, so never knew what they wanted. We used to take them out instead - theatre, ballet, pantos, or a trip to the zoo - whatever they fancied doing with us. Now they are all adults they don't remember the toys and other presents, but all,of them remember the trips out and the experiences that they had with us. It's especially poignant as my husband is now dead and they have all these lovely memories of him. It has also meant that we all have lovely, close relationships to the extent that my youngest nephew moved in with me to go to university. We still do the Christmas markets together though.

I think it's a lovely idea. Relationships last longer than toys.

Could you ask them to do one or the other? So DH's side do Christmas and your side do birthdays or something like that?
People do like to give presents and children do like to receive them, but I agree with you that children can get mountains of stuff, and it can be wasteful.
Another option is to do a wishlist - clothes are always useful, especially as she gets older and you stop getting so many hand me downs, and there will be lots of useful things she needs too.
Maybe take a photograph of all her Christmas presents to explain why it's a bit too much. I think there's probably a compromise you can find.

I have said the only thing I would like for her is building blocks. It all I can think of!

How about classes? A term of baby swimming lessons or baby sign or something. That would get rid of gifts from all six aunts and uncles in one fell swoop, and would be a lovely thing for you and her to do. You could send them lots of photos of her enjoying her present.
Or art supplies, or a duvet set, or wellies, or "money for ice cream after nursery" (when she's older) or something. I think it would be nice to give people some options of things they could give which would go to her, even if they're intangible.

I am sucking the joy out of childhood for wanting my daughter to have meaningful days out with her family

I think if you had mentioned meaningful days out rather than just a twee little picnic the responses may have been a bit different.

As a grandparent. I love buying a gift that involves me and my grandchild doing something exciting or interesting together - something we can remember. However, geography stuffed that up so they will have to be content with a carefully chosen gift and hope the mother appreciates how wonderful it is for a grandparent to give their grandchild something they can remember - not just money in the bank!

Ps, I'm happy to buy from charity shops and they are happy to receive those gifts too.

Gift giving doesn't have to be wasteful. Bah!