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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for no presents for DD

181 replies

OopsieDaisyB · 21/12/2019 14:36

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
OopsieDaisyB · 21/12/2019 15:36

Some members have actually just given us money to buy her things we want instead anyway. Guess that's why I didn't think this was such an outrageous suggestion.
As it is, she doesn't need or want anything, so it is going into savings!

OP posts:
myself2020 · 21/12/2019 15:38

Just to answer to some comments: 6 year olds don’t want or expect loads of presents if they haven’t been taught to do so!

EC22 · 21/12/2019 15:39

Too late!

Daisy7654 · 21/12/2019 15:39

YABVU and controlling. Your child will be in therapy as an adult about her cruel mother who banned family from getting her gifts if you're not careful.
Stop being so selfish. I assume you wish to keep a minimalist home but parenting isn't like that.
It's not your choice to make, you don't own your child. DC is not your property but a person in her own right. How would you like it if your mother said to anyone/ everyone that wanted to give you a gift to give to a charity of your mother's choice instead.

Lastly, people love to buy and give gifts and experiencing the joy in giving and recieving and you are denying them that.

Elvesdontdomagic · 21/12/2019 15:40

This really comes down to your parenting and your rules. I really like your attitude OP and kids really don't need all the 'stuff' they get given. Less is more! I'm sure you could think of a nice way of putting it, you sound clever enough. Good luck! Your baby is lucky, I think you have great values and she's going to have a lovely childhood Smile

BonnyConnie · 21/12/2019 15:40

Why can’t you give her one gift yourselves and ask others to keep it to a minimum instead?

BonnyConnie · 21/12/2019 15:41

Also would strongly advise against putting money into savings at such a young age. You might as well just burn it. Organise a junior stock isa.

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 21/12/2019 15:46

Fast forward 5 years and your dd wants an iPad... then a phone and branded shoes, clothes, bags etc. Secondary school if not before and children are asking for £100+ trainers, £200 coats etc. Don’t get me started on the cost of secondary uniform. Be careful what you wish for..... Children don’t get cheaper. My 11 yo dd has size 7 feet and wears adult clothes. Kids shoes stop at about size 5. She was a 5 two years ago. You’re in baby land right now.

Original poster
OopsieDaisyB · 21/12/2019 15:46

@daisy7654
That's an awfully extreme reaction to something I haven't actually done. You've made a lot of assumptions. I am not ""minimalist" at all. I have a jumperoo, bouncer chair, play gym and a box full of toys spread over my floor as we speak. I am simply wanting to teach my child less materialistic values and to care for the planet.
I would be delighted if someone gave to a charity on my behalf. I have all I need. It makes me very happy to give to those who need it more. That is the same concept of joy from giving and receiving, is it not?

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 21/12/2019 15:47

Oh here we go... "I'm a qualified child genius and know EVERYTHING about kids even though I called toys tat and parents with older kids are telling me my child might not appreciate not getting many presents but because I'm a qualified child X whatever, I must be right". Do bore off OP. You've changed your story more times than I've coughed today! You said NO presents, I said that wasn't a good idea and how toys are important and you ram your 'education' down my throat. You've got a 6 month old. No amount of child education will have taught you what it's like to be a parent of an older child and what they may or may not be ok with regarding their parents decisions

Original poster
OopsieDaisyB · 21/12/2019 15:48

Bonny,
I meant savings in general term. I have just been discussing it with my brother who is very money savvy and he recommended an isa too!

OP posts:
NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 21/12/2019 15:48

I see both sides of this. My DS was the first grandchild and still the only grandchild on one side so we were absolutely inundated with presents.

My parents have been very good about practical presents or experiences. He’s had trips to the panto, an animal experience, a season ticket for the local play farm etc. Other occasions they’ve bought things he needs but a nicer version than I could’ve afforded.

However I have a friend who is an ‘Auntie’ and she always went all out with presents. DS always adored what she bought.

I think it’s fine to ask close family but you can’t dictate to everyone.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 21/12/2019 15:49

My fondest memories are my cousin/godfather who took me on days out for my birthday, beach trips, a lunch, soft play etc. Can't really say I remember more than a handful of toys I was given over my childhood

Exactly. I remember being taken out for a meal by my parents...it was just us my siblings were at home with my gran. It was 3 days before my 9th birthday/Christmas (same day). I remember what I had to eat and how "grown-up" I felt. What I can't remember for the life of me is what presents I got on the 25th December that year.

Why do children need lots of presents? They don't, nobody does

It is far more fun to see them opening a toy and getting excited. I don’t disagree with your sentiment but one of the things that I’ve seen brings grandparents joy is buying toys etc

So it doesn't matter if it's a complete waste of money and never going to be played with just as long as the adults are happy? Isn't that more disappointing for a child to open a present with excitement only to be disappointed with it or worse totally ignore it?

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking that money that would otherwise be spent on extra gifts could be put in a trust fund/savings account. .

Witsendagain · 21/12/2019 15:51

@OopsieDaisyB Do it! You won't regret it! This is my ds second Christmas (and birthday) from the start I was very strict about wooden toys or second hand plastic only (environment reasons) and no more than one present per family. My family have really taken it on board and either buy us, for example, a season ticket to a zoo/national trust/aquarium or put money in his bank account. Mil is a bit more resistant and sends 1 present from her and 1 present from fil (she tried to also do one from santa but we stopped that) but that is so much better than the piles and piles of stuff she first turned up with. Ds has stocking from santa, present (toy) from us and a book/puzzle. We had added a couple of animal figures for his collection but actually we have decided he already has too much for Christmas so we have put them aside for his birthday.
He much prefers it, I notice so much difference in his play when he only has a handful of things (he actually plays) to when we go to the ILS who have boxes and boxes of grannies toys for him (he gets overwhelmed, throws them around, ends up crying and with one or other il yelling at him for breaking something).

I can't really remember specific gifts from specific people when I was growing up. I do have lovely memories of days out with people and that's what I want for my ds!

Original poster
OopsieDaisyB · 21/12/2019 15:54

@YappityYapYap
Haven't rammed anything down your throat, you implied I know nothing about child development. Simply said actually I do.
You are right, I don't know what her opinion will be on the subject when she is holder. Hence why I have posted here, for opinions. But opinions can be given respectfully. Calling me a scrooge, accusing me of putting my child in therapy and giving her a joyless childhood. Over something I am CONTEMPLATING is not respectful.
At least I can discuss with people without being over the top nasty. Maybe you should bore off.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 21/12/2019 15:54

I also suggested vouchers as I would like a decent blender for making her food

But that’s a present for you, not her. We were presented with a list for our grandson’s birthday last month. There were several items like this and, as far as I know, nobody bought them. I think this sort of thing is really cheeky.

RhymingRabbit3 · 21/12/2019 15:54

12 presents per year really isnt that many. Ask for one gift for christmas and have a list so that it can be an educational or developmental toy which you want her to have, rather than plastic junk. You have said you know the importance of toys so I would allow family to buy her toys, within reason (not too many and pre-approved).

Actually I think its more relevant to ask your family to stop giving gifts on a weekly basis and save it for Christmas.

ChristmasCroissant · 21/12/2019 15:56

Is this present ban/restriction just for your daughter or is it for you as well, OP? Surely you wouldn't accept presents for yourself if you won't do it for your DD?

RhymingRabbit3 · 21/12/2019 15:56

Only one person called you a scrooge or joyless. Most people have just stated that it is less fun for adults and children to give money rather than gifts.

hazell42 · 21/12/2019 15:58

There is an art to receiving gifts, so that the giver feels just as happy and appreciated as the receiver feels.
This is not it.
You get the gift you get.
I you want to, next year, bring up in conversation your ideas, fine. Then they can take the hint or not
But telling people what or what not to buy as a gift is rude.

WaterSheep · 21/12/2019 15:59

I do think if you want to go down this route you need to be firm. The fact that your mother is ignoring your requests and is bringing presents weekly, which I assume you are accepting doesn't bode well. Weekly tat is far more damaging to the planet than a few Christmas and birthday presents.

RhymingRabbit3 · 21/12/2019 15:59

I would be delighted if someone gave to a charity on my behalf
I dont think a 4 year old would though. They wouldn't understand it so although they shouldnt be upset by the idea it's not really a present either.

39Suzy · 21/12/2019 16:02

I sent a message to my immediate family and a few really close friends a few months back letting them know that my 8 month old was happiest playing with his socks so to save their money on overpricedplastic rubbish which would likely end up being seldom played with and given to charity.

We put together a list for anyone that asked (grandparenrs) but otherwise suggested something to wear or read or just come visit!

Pretty much everyone was grateful for the tip off and has respected it, and we know we don't / won't have duplicates.

As he gets older he will be able to ask for things himself if he would like them (we will continue the want,need, wear, read rule), but for a baby, you are being very sensible

81Byerley · 21/12/2019 16:02

My daughter and her husband feel like you do, so for the last few years I've given them money, and they use it to buy annual membership for somewhere they like going to. I think it's much better than filling their house with plastic tat. They choose very good quality toys to give to their own children, mainly wooden for the little ones, but also Lego.

churchandstate · 21/12/2019 16:05

I really think people who pare down (sensible) gift giving for their kids are being unfair. They themselves had childhoods (one would presume) with the mutual pleasure of exchanging presents with relatives. Now it’s their child’s turn and it’s suddenly all crap? Hmm

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