To ask for no presents for DD

[OopsieDaisyB]

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

Maybe I am shallow, but I think opening presents is fun (and I enjoy giving presents too) - so I would aim for some presents, but just at Christmas and birthdays, @OopsieDaisyB, and if they want to give her something in between then taking her out and doing something fun with her.

I do also think you may find the gifts tailing off as she gets older - people tend to lavish things on a new baby, but few have the budget to carry on inundating you with things forever.

As a parent and an Early Years Teacher who totally appreciates and agrees with your viewpoint, I would love to receive instructions such as this. I cannot bear the rampant consumerism at this time of year. It does the kids no favours. They are overwhelmed by the plastic tat that they receive and as a parent, I am stressed by the management, storage etc of all this 'stuff.' The excess of these events are also sickening in light of the fact we have people using food banks and sleeping rough etc. I say go for it on every level.

I get what you are saying, @PatButchersEarring - but I think there is a middle ground between no presents except from parents, and rampant consumerism/mounds of tat - people getting together to contribute parts to a good quality toy (Lego/brio/wooden play kitchen/climbing frame) for example, or books or good quality art and craft stuff.

I think it’s unkind to take away the joy of giving.

I get no desire for loads of plastic tat though and would think you could have conversations about what good giving looks like. A Charity donation may not feel personal so maybe link to a small personal gift.

Maybe ask them to consider experience gifts they could go and do with her throughout the year? Like a trip to the zoo, national trust membership etc

Oh to have family (excluding my DP and DS) that give a shit about DD. Must be frightful all these gifts and signs people care about her

Get it as a baby, there's no need for lots of presents or toys.
But as baby gets older, she may feel a bit pushed out, and like the odd one out.
You can't really dictate what others buy.
How about as she gets older you ask for clothes or experiences rather than toys.. I agree with that.
I've given my neices and nephew a gift voucher for the farm in the spring for this Xmas.

My DS is 1 and we've asked for clarks vouchers, or experiences.
I know he will get toys, and that's fine too. Think you can teach a child morals, doesn't really matter about the toys they get or don't get.

Everyone should be doing this, very small gifts from grandparents and friends, other relatives should put money into the childs saving account

The thing is that your dc is a separate person to you, so it seems unfair for you to stop them receiving presents from family members who love them. If you'd rather fewer thing come into the house maybe ask people to stop giving you presents? I am pretty sure your dc will be keen to receive gifts in a couple of years!

Totally agree with OP - if you have a large family giving masses of presents at Christmas it ends up with a load of stuff that isn't needed. In my youth people used to give postal orders or a note in a Christmas card which my mother would bank for me in the post office. None of our family lived close or were well off and my ma made sure I wrote each one a letter. I was thrilled to see the money mount up to £5!

Nowadays money put into a children's ISA could help pay for college or a down payment on a house. £5 goes a long way. Doesn't stop you giving a small gift as well but does stop us overloading the world with tat at worst or unappreciated gifts at best.

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP, some people have been unnecessarily harsh and I totally get the principle of what you're trying to do...but, as others have said, the gifts will probably become fewer as time goes on, right now the baby is the centre of attention.
Also, I'm sorry to say but most children aren't thrilled by sensible, wholesome gifts like days out with a relative, wooden toys, National Trust membership etc...these things have their time and place but as a child I would've been really disappointed to get that for Christmas or my birthday when what I wanted was a Barbie or a My Little Pony set or Tamagotchi. Then again I didn't get much throughout the year as we were poor so birthdays and Christmas were extra special because of the presents.
Could you limit the things you buy throughout the year? Ask people not to get more than one gift at Christmas? 12 presents isn't that excessive if you don't buy much at other times.
I hate clutter and over-consumption so I hardly ever buy things but I do allow for more indulgence at Christmas.

I get you OP. Kids don't appreciate or even enjoy mountains of toys.

Probably the best thing to do is not buy anything yourself. I haven't bought anything for my 2 year old and rarely do, that way if a gp wants to get a gift, there is something to buy. When he is older that will change.

The only thing I disagree with is when you said "this is her first Christmas, so I have no intention of limiting gifts". Surely this would have been the best year to do it. They barely understand toys at this age. Next year, 18 months - still good. Will like new toys generally but no idea of what Christmas is or expectations. 2.5 years plus might get a bit harder.

I do get where you’re coming from OP. Fortunately we don’t have a huge family, so no mountains of gifts, but still plenty.

I definitely try to steer the ones I can, like grandparents, into buying experiences, or specific toys or items I know they want or need. My mil is v good about this and this year has bought new duvet sets for the kids. Which I very much appreciate. My kids are quite little though so I doubt they’ll notice that they haven’t got an exciting toy from in-laws as they will definitely have plenty of toys to open. My SILs also specifically ask what the kids would need and usually buy clothes in the next size up.

I also find that I accept that they’ll get a lot of presents from family and I therefore try not to buy them too much myself. Many people do seem to like guidance as to what would be appreciated though.

I promise you, you will be ignored and people will still buy things for her because they "saw it and just had to get it for her!". Last year we asked for yearly membership to local attractions eg. Aquarium, museum, soft play etc. Which they did get for her, but they also got her toys because "well she can't just not have presents to open from us, she won't want just a plastic membership card!"

Yabu and ridiculous. Having a baby doesn’t mean you can dictate how others spend their money if they wish to bestow something in your child, let them. Don’t be a dick. Even they ask you is she needs anything asking for money is tacky and grabby.

I totally understand! We had loads of over gifters and it was actually a massive waste / pain / and kind of made the kids overwhelmed and not enjoy the days!

I asked them to buy less next time / stick to lists of stuff we needed / get useful bits like craft stuff and books etc. We still have some people going overboard but it’s better x

It is really annoying, I don’t think you have to accept loads of plastic toys etc just because you have a kid, it’s boundary crossing if people over purchase and very materialistic and annoying too.

Take the gifts or ask for money to put towards certain ones as she gets older. It gets more expensive. £480 this year for 3 gifts alone!

Part of the joy is giving, I think it would be ok to perhaps ask the grandparents but not the rest.

I never said any of things OP, that was other people so I don't see why you were having a go at me? All I said was toys are important and you'll see that in a few years and that she may appreciate more presents when she is older and I got a mouthful about your education and now I apparently called you scrooge and stuff? Whatever

OP I think you are being very sensible. Children get far too much these days, much more than they used to, and they don't even remember what they got from who. I think the idea of doing something with her is lovely, and that is far more likely to stick in her mind as a good memory. You do what you think is best for your child and ignore all the rubbish on here.

I really, really don’t get how asking people for money, experiences or charity gifts is tacky when at the same time giving unopened toys and unworn clothes to the charity shop is fine (and that is exactly what happens!). the only winners are big companies, charity shops get a fraction of the original price.
We have a strict gift limit in the family, and its working well (oldest is almost 7).
i made the mistake of doing a birthday party for my youngest at nursery last year - of the 12 gifts he got, 10 went to charity unopened this Christmas (10 months later). nice stuff, but either not interesting for him, or just more than he needs/wants.
luckily our school has a “no gifts please” rule for parties, so he won’t get a party before he starts school anymore!
As a giver, i would like to see the recipient happy - and mountains of toys don’t make kids happy, more the opposite

Good old MN double standards rears it's head again. How many threads do we read "it's your DC OP you decide what's best for them not GPs, wider family, etc", now it's " no OP you don't get to tell people what to do regarding YOUR DC".

Your child will not miss out because there will "only" be 12 presents to open not 20. Fwiw I had a limit on presents for my DD when she was young (lack of space was the main factor), and money was put into an account for her. When she turned 18 and went off to university she had close to £3000. Stick to your guns OP sometimes less is more.

That sounds like an overwhelming amount of stuff. We have a much smaller family but grandparents still don’t see the irony of “Oh they have so many toys to play with it’s a complete mess here” and “but I couldn’t resist”. And whereas once I’d get a book as a child, now you can get a series for £10 or £15 from the book people and that’s another six inches of bookshelf space to find...

We have had some limited luck this year with “we’d loved zoo membership/parking pass for nearby park” “oh well if you want something to go with it some wellies to wear there/a kite to fly there would be good”.

Good luck.

The good (?) news is with my third child the interest has waned lots.