To ask for no presents for DD

[OopsieDaisyB]

DD is 6 months old. She has a very large family (6 aunties/ uncles and 4 grandparents plus greats and cousins etc) I'm contemplating asking her family on both sides not to buy her gifts for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays etc. Instead I would like them to a) give that money to a children's charity b) give the money they would have spent to build up her savings for when she is older or c) do something with her instead e.g. a birthday picnic
I have several reasons for wanting to do this, reducing the amount of toys she will receive, save family money but mostly I want her to see these occasions as something other than all about presents. I want her to focus on the people not the gifts that will undoubtedly end up in a charity shop in a few years anyway. DP and I will of course still get hers a few gifts.
How would you feel if a member of you family asked you to do this?

I agree with you. We don't really do presents and it s for the best. She s only 4 though. We may change our minds later, who knows but at that stage there is no point really

As I said it is my opinion only, I know many won't agree with me and that is fine!
I think the problem with 'days out' is that you need a day that works for everyone, and you need to be willing to leave your daughter for the day or join them and then it turns into a normal family trip not a 'gift' and the giver will often end up paying way more money that they would have on say a small toy or outfit. If it is close family surely you will have regular days out like this anyway. 1 small present each (or money/voucher which would be the givers' choice) is just a way to show they care. Surely it won't be like a new baby where you get inundated with gifts.

I would imagine you've received and enjoyed all your birthday and Christmas gifts over the years but you want to take that away from your child. I'd think it was bizarre.

I very much doubt your child will thank you for it, especially growing up wondering why they the only one in there friendship group who doesn't receive gifts from family. Can't imagine it would go down well with family either.

Pick your battles, you'll have enough of them as a parent and this certainly isn't one of them

In all honesty it doesn’t work. People end up doing as you ask and then just getting ‘a little something to open’.

You’re better off just putting your energy into being ruthless with donating anything not played with.

I do see your problem with weekly gifts and this is something to address and ask them to keep to birthdays/Chrismas etc.

Children love gifts at Christmas and birthdays

Yes they do, but they also appreciate what they have if they aren’t inundated with tonnes of stuff.

My elderly grandmother is over 100 and she loved her early christmases and despairs over the indulgent overspending and greed around Christmas which has turned into mass consumerism. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a simple Christmas.

They enjoy seeing Santa, lit fires, movies and games at home. The gifts don’t add happiness.

This is a great idea, maybe not grandparents or very close family though.

I’ll add, I’m so glad the younger generation are prepared to reduce Christmas waste and give children the true meaning of Christmas as from where I stand it’s all too much.

I'd be secretly offended. Especially by the money idea.

@GreenTulips
I thoroughly agree. I loved my Christmas, there was no mountain of present competitions and what I remember most is visiting family and colourful lights everywhere.
It's been turned into a cheap circus now, really horrible.

I think it’s a great idea OP, especially the doing stuff instead of getting stuff option. And you’re right - so long as she has a reasonable amount having fewer gifts won’t make her less happy. But I don’t think it will be easy to persuade people, especially your mum. You’ll probably need to do plenty of reinforcing.

I can understand steering GPs etc in the direction of specific toys or asking people not to buy more than one gift (having recently read a thread where some GPs/Aunts though it was their prerogative to buy 20 gifts for a child at Christmas ). I’m also all for agreeing with friends/cousins that we won’t get into the practice of buying for each other’s dc as it can get out of hand as the years go by.

However I think what you’re suggesting goes too far and sounds quite joyless and I have to say a bit controlling. Receiving gifts won’t prevent her from being focused on people, it’s not an either/or situation - that’s about how you raise your child and two days a year where people give her presents won’t be the influencing factor there!

You might find it hard to believe right now but your dc will (hopefully) have people in her life other than her parents who “get” her and may, through their gifts, introduce her to an interest or a skill that wouldn’t have occurred to you.

Your child is only six months old and it’s not unusual (though quite misguided) for new parents to seriously believe they are going to manage all aspects of the dcs life, ensuring they turn out as parents imagine. You can’t. You’re forgetting that dc will develop their own personality and will be influenced by her peers and broader society. Are you quite sure at age 5 she’ll be all blasé about the fact her relatives don’t buy her gifts as she sees her cousins receiving presents from granny? Do you imagine she won’t wonder why she’s not special enough/second best?

I'd like to clarify again this is about LESS presents not NO presents in future instances not this Christmas (that was just an example occasion). And I would not demand money for myself or charity, they were just suggestions of what they could do instead. I saw a lovely expression on here the other day. Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read. That seems lovely to me.

For what it's worth, I got a lot of presents I didn't enjoy or play with as a child so no that doesn't make me feel as though I am stealing her childhood.
I would happily allow any of mine or DP family take her out without me and I don't think a day out has to cost more than a gift. I took my niece to the park opposite my house for a picnic then she came to mine for a sleepover. Cost about 10 pounds in total.

I think it would be ok now and while she is very young but I can't see a 6 year old for example being happy with a couple of presents to open then money going to charity or into an account for them to get when they're older. It doesn't have to be meaningless toys and FYI, toys are not meaningless, they help shape children and help them use their imagination which is essential and you'll soon learn that when your baby is a toddler. She could also get clothes, books, art stuff, tickets to events etc.

While spending time with family is the meaning of Christmas, children don't always quite get that and for them it's about santa, gifts and nice food. They're only young a short time so they have plenty of time as adults to deal with the real meaning of Christmas. Would you really want your daughter to grow up and say that she never got a single gift from any family because her mum insisted it all went to charity or in a bank account? I'm not sure if it would actually do any good

I'd like to clarify again this is about LESS presents not NO presents in future instances

But it is about no presents, both your title and original post state that you don't want people to buy gifts for your daughter. The only presents would be from you.

I think it's a great attitude towards wastefulness and spoiling kids with tat but I'd do it the opposite way round and let others buy whatever and reduce present giving yourself. She's a baby so people are excited but in a year or 2 it will be a selection box and a £5 craft set, I wouldn't ruin things for her in the future! You can always freecycle things she doesn't need or regift things.

@OopsieDaisyB Your thread is TITLED To ask for no presents for dd and your opening post makes it clear that it’s no presents. Apparently you’ve completely changed your mind since you started !

Have you asked that people stop with the weekly gifts? If so and they persist, how are you going to enforce your no/maybe one rule?

Your sentiments are really admirable OP. And it's hard to keep resolve when there's so much pressure to buy, buy, buy.

Can you make a request for family to contribute to one big present? As your little one gets older, stuff does get more expensive - toddler kitchen, water/sand table, balance bike, scooter... and you can still get these secondhand. Make the case that it will be for something long-lasting, played with everyday and loved, rather than something that is quickly outgrown.

Little children don’t really get money or delayed gratification. It is far more fun to see them opening a toy and getting excited. I don’t disagree with your sentiment but one of the things that I’ve seen brings grandparents joy is buying toys etc.

This is the first year my 3 year old sort of gets the idea of money. She does get some from relatives and we’ve always just put it in savings and she’s been none the wiser. This is the first year I think she’d be pleased with the idea of picking something herself. I think you could also get her a term of classes like ballet or a zoo trip and she’d get the idea but would probably prefer a toy. I think the older they are, the easier it is to suggest cash, experiences, vouchers etc.

I actually have a degree in education and have worked in early years and know exactly the importance if toys on their development. I also know that outdoor play and exploring with real world objects and meaningful connections with adults around her do far more for their development than endless piles of toys.
She has 4 aunties and 4 uncles. 4 grandparents, 2 great grandmothers and 2 great aunts that like to buy her gifts. And are all seen often enough to be close family. That's 12 gifts already.
I've said no physical gifts. The 3 options I mentioned are just ideas I was toying with not that they are all I would "demand". She could have handmade gifts, days out. Gift giving can be more inventive surely? I don't think she would think "Grandma doesn't love me" if she was told she was having a special afternoon out instead of a physical toy.
My fondest memories are my cousin/godfather who took me on days out for my birthday, beach trips, a lunch, soft play etc. Can't really say I remember more than a handful of toys I was given over my childhood.

I totally agree with you OP!
My dd is also 6 months old, when asked what they can buy dd I simply told them that she has her own bank account so they can either put money straight into there or buy her a gift if they wish.
Her gp's (4 lots) want to get her gifts but aunties and uncles are putting money in her bank

And I think suggesting a charity donation instead of a gift to a child is likely to go down like a lead balloon. It would be different if the child was older and it was their choice.

I also said in my OP this was a contemplation. People are taking this very much to heart calling me controlling and a Scrooge and of stealing joy from my daughter over an idea.
I am considering ways to protect the future of the planet I am giving my daughter. I just don't think life has to be so materialistic 🤷‍♀️ there are a million ways to spark joy in children. Gifts are one.

I have a 5 month old dd and 6 nieces...generally gift giving his limited to something we agree in advance, like pj's, clothes, books or days out. Most kids enjoy opening up the gift more than what it is, I remember one niece one Xmas ripping open a present and proudly announcing she's got 'school knickers!' Delighted with herself.

We avoid plastic crap completely.

Just lay some ground rules and think it advance - for Xmas I've suggested to my family for weaning stuff, books, and if they must buy clothes ask me first as to what she needs. I also suggested vouchers as I would like a decent blender for making her food. Generally people want to give, just give them some direction and don't be afraid to ask for things you/she needs.

We have a strict limit on gifts , and its working well (oldest is almost 7). much, much less stress as they get older