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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I warned him, and it's his own fault.

345 replies

DieHardISaChristmasFilm · 21/12/2019 12:34

DS is 2 weeks old. I'm BF and hungry constantly. I also had gestational diabetes for the last 10 weeks if pregnancy so very limited carbs.

Last night I wanted fish and chips. DH has unfortunately inherited a bit of competitive under eating from his mother (oh that's me done for the day if there's a big lunch- this is never actually true!) So I was very specific with my order, and being hungry.
He arrives home with a fish each, but one single chips (not even a large one) to go between me, him and DD. He also missed out the curry sauce Xmas Angry
I served up for myself and DD leaving almost no chips for him, then told him it wad his own bloody fault and he needed to go back to the shop if he wanted chips. He's been sulking since last night. WIBU? He knows how much I hate the meager little portions when we go to his parents, it shouldn't be too much to ask for a reasonable portion if chips, esp while breastfeeding!

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/12/2019 13:06

I'd love any of the people who voted YABU to come and give their reasons - unless it was a slip of the finger or mouse.

As has been said, you gave him your order, expected him as an adult to add his own order and then bring the combined order home. You ordered a portion of chips, there's a portion of chips, so obviously yours and presumably he didn't want any. If he had, he would surely have noticed and said "Hey, I ordered two bags of chips and they've only given me one!"

You handled this exactly in the right way. It's up to him as an adult to eat as much or as little as he wants, whether through genuine hunger level or trying to make some silly point that he doesn't even understand how to order food at a chip ship. He doesn't get to dictate your portion sizes to you.

It's definitely the best way to go about things by 'assuming' that he's forgetful or a bit dim (or couldn't decide what he wanted) rather than accepting it as passive aggression. Incidentally, I wonder if he did actually forget the curry sauce (what a shame pens and paper haven't been invented yet) or if he just thought you 'didn't need it' Hmm Well, if it is the latter, he obviously 'didn't need' the chips he wanted himself but somehow forgot to order.

This would be like the equivalent of him being alone at home all day and you taking the plug off the telly because 'you've had enough screen time for today and I don't watch much telly anyway'.

Scarily controlling - glad you're not letting him get away with it.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/12/2019 13:07

If he is still sulking I would be telling him to fuck off and not come back. His weird attitude towards food isn’t your issue. He had one thing to do and chose not to do it. I would be packing his bag for him. Just reading your post has given me the rage!

Lweji · 21/12/2019 13:07

I'd love any of the people who voted YABU to come and give their reasons - unless it was a slip of the finger or mouse.

Indeed.

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 21/12/2019 13:12

Of course they weren’t his chips. Hwvvu - does he ‘get’ you need to eat when breastfeeding?

ClashCityRocker · 21/12/2019 13:13

I can only imagine those voting yabu have only ever been to my local chippie where the portions of chips are humoungus and one would have probably been OK.

At every other chippie I've ever been to, yanbu.

WeGoHigh · 21/12/2019 13:14

Absolutely excellent work OP. The sulking is because he knows he hasn’t got a leg to stand on but just expected you to sigh and eat a tiny portion.

Newbie1981 · 21/12/2019 13:17

I would have been raging

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/12/2019 13:22

To be honest, BFing and having GD are a bit of a red herring in this scenario.

Even if you'd been in 100% perfect health and not having another person eating via you, it would still have been massively out of line for him to decide that "I would like to order XXX, please" = "I'm far too foolish to know what I actually want so I need you to decide for and overrule me however you see fit."

I'm still trying to get my head around him sulking because you gave him your order, he brought the whole order including his own back home and then you took the items that you'd ordered (well, the ones that he'd actually managed to get) and ate them, leaving him with his own ordered items. He didn't say that the chip shop had made a mistake with the order, so it's not like you ended up having to make the best of a partially-unfulfilled order.

I'd be very wary of his mother indeed. It wouldn't surprise me if she's been saying things to him like "Goodness, doesn't DieHard eat a lot - a huge amount, especially for a woman! She eats even more than you do!" and "DieHard has been getting a lot bigger recently, hasn't she?!" (maybe his mum is 2yo and doesn't yet understand the basic concept of pregnancy). I reckon he takes her word as gospel and is jumping to her tune - and part of that is making sure that his wife also steps into line, so that she doesn't disapprove of him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/12/2019 13:22

Oh god the competitive under eaters 🤦🏻‍♀️ The sort who think concentration camp rations are sufficient 🙄.

They all need shooting.

diddl · 21/12/2019 13:22

I was also thinking that you must have a chippie that serves mean portions!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/12/2019 13:24

YADNBU. He can control his own eating however he sees fit, but trying to control yours is really out of order.

WeirdPookah · 21/12/2019 13:25

Go you! well done standing your ground... hope they tasted great!

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2019 13:25

I'm wondering if his behaviour is down to him actually having an eating disorder, or whether it's about trying to restrict your food intake because women are supposed to undereat in order to remain slim and attractive, and it's their male owner's job to make sure they don't gain weight...

BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 13:26

Tell him in future t leave his passive aggressive under-eating at the door. It isn't his job to decide how much you eat when you are hungry and breast feeding.

B/f uses 800 calories a day, I think.

He's being controlling.

4amWitchingHour · 21/12/2019 13:27

I want chips now Grin

Hidingtonothing · 21/12/2019 13:29

Wow. He’s taking the piss. Your job is to feed the baby, his job it to feed you. His weird eating issues are his own problem and he has no right at all to put them on you or DD.

This (from AnneLovesGilbert upthread) needs saying directly to your DH OP, repeatedly if necessary until he gets it.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/12/2019 13:30

Well done you - for sticking up for yourself an not being 'nice' and smoothing over his mistake at cost to yourself.

I think many men are so accustomed to women doing this, that it's a case of experiencing equality as oppression.

You told him precisely what you wanted. There was no room for guessing. He made a deliberate decision to overrule you about what YOU wanted to eat. He though HE knew better than you what YOU wanted.

billy1966 · 21/12/2019 13:32

OP, he thought he knew better than you and was trying to control the food you eat.

Deeply fxxxing annoying and probably not the first example of it.

Let him sulk.

Trying to control the food a breast feeding woman is eating is really unpleasant and I would be fuming.

Take care of yourself OP.
It doesn't sound as if your husband is.
💐

GlamGiraffe · 21/12/2019 13:32

If only men could experience pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding...
He knows you are hungry. You TOLD HIM.
TELL HIM NON STOP NOW YOU ARE STARVING.
Hell get the message.

Ensure he sees this thread.

Does he want his baby to be well nourished?

ScrimshawTheSecond · 21/12/2019 13:34

Fond memories of my MIL 'helping out' when I was just back from hospital with my 2nd child. She made me up a plate of salad, but 'not too much'. Luckily my partner doesn't take that crap and took it back through, and pointedly heaped it up.

Imagine thinking a bfing mother recovering from surgery ought to be careful not to eat too much fcking salad ...

YANBU, OP, he can get his own chips.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 21/12/2019 13:34

YANBU.
I did laugh though as it reminded me of when I was bf DC1 and DP would cook every night. He gave me absolutely huge portions and every night I'd say 'I can't eat all that!' then trough my way through it and have afters. He's since admitted he started giving me more and more to see if I ate it. And I did!

Flamingolegs · 21/12/2019 13:43

YANBU

My DH would do exactly this! The only time we really get fish and chips is at my MIL's house... they will discuss the order (for 5 of us - 3 adults, 5 & 3yr old - and be "oh two portions of chips should be plenty" and the other will say "oh yes! More than ample..." whilst I am sitting darkly in the corner Hmm
DH also always insists that the DC can "just have some of ours" which is insane - they can easily eat an adult portion of fish between them.
I usually offer to go collect the order for this reason and add another portion of chips whilst I am there.

I also wanted to add, I am not even a massive eater myself but I hate not being given enough food.

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2019 13:47

I’ve just described this thread to my husband who is utterly horrified.

If you’re in SW London he’s offering to drop round a vat of the West Indian curry he’s currently making.

Drabarni · 21/12/2019 13:51

I'd be the size of an elephant if I ate a full bag of chips, but shared with dc, so one adult and 2 kids would be about right.
Maybe 2 bags would have been too much, but you could have the full bag and him share with the kids I suppose.

Lulualla · 21/12/2019 13:57

Did he really expect you to share them pit between the 3 of you? Was that his plan?

Or was he doing the performance "oh, I'm not hungry enough for chips so will just get them a small" and then just expected you to share. That whole 'it doesn't count if I dont order it for myself and someone else gives me it"?

Either way, he's an idiot. But what has he said to explain himself?

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