To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Erm Husband is home all week. What the fuck is he doing all day with a toddler that means he can't sort your bloody house out, or sort christmas out too. I'd be in divorce territory if my DH was like that (we are, but for different reasons right now).

He needs to pull his fucking finger out. He can get a babygate for toddlers bedroom, safety proof it, and crack the fuck on with the house for an hour at a time while toddler naps or plays.

I have voted you're not being unreasonable because I think you're you're stressed out
And need more help.

I don't think that you should get angry at the children and take away their Christmas presents.

I think you need to change your lifestyle and your husband needs to get a job in the week the toddler needs to go into childcare and you need to get a cleaner.

You are banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to be less lazy and incompetent.

Weekends should be for some time together it's fine to work all week long but you need some time together as a family.

The reason that your children are like this is because (this is not a judgement on you) you are not in the house all week and the responsible parent is not parenting them properly. He is letting them ride roughshod over parental authority and just play computer games and watch telly indefinitely. So much screen time is affecting their behaviour you need to stop screen time immediately and not reinstated until they start to show nice character traits again.

Do they do a lot of activities in the week? Or do they need a bit more discipline in their lives? Some Scouts or Brownies or dancing or music lessons. Judo etc.

There's just no excuse for living in a s* heap when you've got two children at school a toddler at home and an adult actually in the house all the time it's ridiculous. He should be getting on top of the housework over the course of the week because he is off most of the time. He only works two days of the week is silly that you are then having to spend the weekend tidying up. "Clingy toddler" is no excuse. He's being deliberately useless.

Here is another idea if he won't change then you have to I think that if you won't get a cleaner than you need to to take one of your days a week off so you start working 4 days a week and he works 3 days a week how about that that seems a bit fairer and then you get a day a week when you can sort things out.

you dont have to cancel christmas, but if you live in a mess the rest of the time, theres no need to get extra angry about it for christmas, athough I do understand wanting it sorted and festive looking.
Get a couple of binbags and recycling bags. Bag up most of their shit with your husband to some xmas music, and xmas day can be low key. Few presents and a roast. The house doesnt need to be immaculate

Sorry, it took me so long to type that on ancient tablet, didn't see that DC are helping now! Well done op! It is exhausting having to herd everyone though. Is your dh backing you up enough?

Please do NOT cancel Christmas. You're pushing adult problems onto children, expecting them to understand and in years to come they'll look back at parents who created chaos and cancelled Christmas. I feel for you, you're obviously overwhelmed - which is probably exactly how they feel when faced with the messy house and a mum shouting at them to tidy up (they wouldn't even know where to start at their age if it's as bad as you say and feel it's better to avoid you and the tears, hence going to your bedroom). Take a few deep breaths, make it age appropriate, give them a specific task, use manners, (can you pair the socks please) and break in into kid manageable time chunks. I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed, you need to address this as the bigger issue and I'm sorry to say that your husband needs to step up a bit more.

You have a DH problem.

Please don't take it out on your DC.

Unfortunately DH can't get a 9-5 in the week as the cost of nursery & wrap around care & holiday clubs for the older 2 would leave us financially worse off & probably more stressed (DH's job isn't standard office hours & can by up to 15hr days) We both worked full time when the older DC were of nursery age & it was horrendous with his hours.
DH does need to do more, no doubt about it or we need to change to working parent, DH can earn more than me, but my job is office based, regular hours with better benefits.

I think you shouldn't have just let it get so late to Christmas to get then to clean up and get the tree up.
Who's the parent here? You TELL them to do it and they do it don't just leave it up to them otherwise of course it won't get done!
And why send then up to their rooms? Send them to the living room and get in with it.

Sounds like you need to get tough!

It might help to remind your kids that Santa only brings gifts to good children. Put a lump of coal in their stocking this year, perhaps, rather than cancel Christmas for everyone

You could try bonding as a family - your awful hours and your lazy-sounding husband are cutting you out. The children are behaving like this because something isn’t right, not because they are bad people.

Unite to set home rules but with lots of united fun - we had a silly ten minutes of the ‘frogspawn family dance’ after doing some tasks together. Music up loud and celebrate having done the job together by dancing as a family. Board games - try and find time for them, making that time sacred but we have to quickly tidy the sitting room so we have a space to play - come on everyone!

It requires a Pollyanna amount of energy and good humour and more importantly than anything, for you and your husband to unite on this. The dysfunctional nature of what is happening in your home can be corrected quite quickly if you’re prepared to put in the work. It will be worth it, even though you’re tired.

And I completely agree with the other posters who said you need to change your lifestyle if possible - it’s not sustainable.

FFS would anyone actually do this?

Yep - my mum. I was about 10.

you and your dh need to sort this out - it is not fair on your children to talk about cancelling christmas - personally would suggest unless he has a handle on home life by easter he needs to get a job during the week - so you all work on chores at the weekend.

Maybe explicit lists so day by day - a toddler is no excuse for doing nothing around the house and if shes clingy she can help? is she old enough for pre-school ? maybe a half day a couple of days a week so he can get big stuff done like bathrooms/hoovering....

yes being the sahp is not cleaner etc job but these things all need doing- and you have all 3dc when he's at work so if he cant do it with 1 how are you supposed to do it with 3?

once some tidying has been done - go for a walk or something - maybe you dont need everything all done for 1 day - i would write your minimum must do list......work out what can be done today and tomorro and what he and teh kids are going to do mon/tues

Do you think that you and DH are setting boundaries and enforcing them equally? I do think he needs to step up and take in a more robust role. I have a DS like this, his dad sides with him and so I am basically shouting into the wind

A quick fix with regards to changing your lifestyle would be your dh stepping up.

I feel sorry for you but sorrier for your DC. You are making them the villains here when at only 6 and 8 yo they are the product of their environment. You say your DH is lazy and they are clearly learning from him. They also seem to have learned that when you ask nicely they can safely ignore it and they only need do what you say when you lose it and go ballistic. I wonder if they are copying their dad there too?

Forget about warnings and second chances and remaining calm until you eventually lose it and start punishing. Tell them very clearly and calmly ‘ I am telling you to do this NOW, you have a count of three’ and if you get to three, remove plugs/electronics. No screaming or crying, just calm action. And then in future I wouldn’t even give them the electronics until the tasks are completed. Then they can be a reward for good behaviour rather than a distraction.

You say you are setting boundaries and expectations but they obviously need to be clearer and more consistently enforced.

Your problem is your lazy dh doing fuck all ,all week ,why can’t he work when they are at school

I like the 'list' from Janus, I'm pinching that!

I don't think it's feasible to cancel Christmas OP because you know that the person who would be most affected would be yourself. You'd feel awful and you don't deserve that. Best thing to do as pp suggested, is have a family council about how to get things done in time for Christmas this year. Everybody have jobs and responsibilities to get it done - on time - so that all of you can have a relaxing and enjoyable time.

Going past Christmas, it's not acceptable for your husband to be so lazy. I don't believe that he's not lazy with parenting either because somebody who isn't lazy teaches their children useful life skills whilst they're with them - they don't elect to step off and away from their role. If he's inept then he needs to work and you can both pay for childcare, you wouldn't be worse off, would you? He either does the SAHP job properly - or goes out to work. Not this.

Laziness is only fair when everybody gets to do it.

Why are you blaming your kids when you clearly have a cocklodger

yes being the sahp is not cleaner etc job but these things all need doing- and you have all 3dc when he's at work so if he cant do it with 1 how are you supposed to do it with 3?

^ This is a very good point!

I'm a SAHM at the moment and I do all the cleaning, washing and most of the tidying. Yes child care is demanding and every child has days when they won't let you do anything because they aren't feeling well or whatever but it's not every day. Your husband should be doing more around the house. Why isn't he doing an hour a day while the toddler naps? If I were you, OP, I'd give him a list of jobs every day. Have you tried something like the TOMM app? You can both download it and get it set up on your phones. The idea is that you do a set of jobs daily (a load of laundry, wipe round the bathroom and make the beds), and then everyday you target one room, do half an hour of concentrated cleaning and tidying in that room and then you are done. If you do this over several weeks and keep doing the daily jobs your house will look better in no time. Combine that with giving the kids the chores of daily tidying the living room and their bedrooms. Like others have said, reward your kids for completing their chores and take privileges away if they don't. I use the timer on my washing machine a lot so the wash will just be finishing as I get up in the morning, that small thing made a big difference to me.

Your poor DC.

You need to pack DH off to work if he can't be a responsible adult and keep the home relatively tidy. No toddler is 24/7 work, sorry. He's making excuses, and pathetic ones at that. He is basically working 2 days a week, and leaving you to work 7, 5 at work and 2 days clearing up after his lazy week. You're a mug to do it.

I feel really sorry for you OP, but your anger here is completely directed in the wrong direction, sorry.

Give your kids a hug, stuff the housework for the day and do something nice all together. Let DH come home and have the consequences of his laziness, not you

I would cancel it.
Your husband is lazy and the kids are taking their cue from him.
Put the tree away.
Tell your husband that on Monday, you are returning all the presents.
Get some ready meals for yourself and toddler. ( presents only for her, ) stay in your pjs and watch telly in your room.
Your DH can sort out himself & older kids.

OK OP heres what I would do....get the kids get them wrapped up and find a park to let them run around and let off some steam..it will clear your head too....then you will all feel calmer and better. On returning home have lunch and sit down at the table and eat with them and ask them if they want to play a game...get a pen and paper and get the oldest kids to make up a game of jobs...the winner is the one who does the most in the quickest time. So child 1 the 8 yr old can empty the bin and all the other kids can fill a bag full of rubbish from where ever you can find it ...it has to be fun with smily faces and a reward at the end...could be anything 50p or a treat from the cupboard.lots of silly cheering and shouting is needed. Another game could be folding the washing ...it wont be folded it will be a mess but they are occupied and will try to out do each other..this works well with sock pairing ...cheer em on ..and work your way through the house..who can wash the sink or bath first,,who can put away shoes first..anything you want but it has to be loud and fun...it is the last thing you feel like Iknow but trust me it really works!! Everything has to be majorly positive and smiley and ohmy godness well done you thats brililant and amazing!!!!!! Have some music going have a dance with them in between and be daft....make it all fun and you will see a mega difference. Then all of you sit and put the tree up with some bickies and hot chocolate...lots of cuddles and lots of prraise about how brilliant they are and nothing negative....i know you feel like screaming and praising them is the very last thing you need strangling them would seem a better option Iknow I have been there but this really works....you have to laugh with them and things wont be perfect but they will try for you and that will be good enough....give it a try you might be totally surprised....I was .

They sound like normal kids their age

They really, really don’t. Assuming no SEN they sound like they’re a total pain in the arse.

We also have three children and both work different hours so the children are here a lot of the time. Things that help me keep sane -

No food to leave the kitchen. (this helps limit crumbs, cups, plates etc all around the house)

At least one load of washing a day, that way it never gets too much. (I'm still working on making sure everything is put away )

Download the Team Tomm app on to your phone and your husband's phone - same account on both so you know what needs doing everyday. If you can get a couple of days to get rid of clutter sticking to the Team Tomm routine will really help.

I also agree with others to take wifi / tablets etc away until things improve, but please don't cancel Christmas.

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.