To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

I would leave your husband and them to plan Christmas. Have a Christmas meal with your toddler. Your husband can sort the other two out. I also would probably stop doing things for them. They sound awful (sorry).

So having spent the last 40 minutes digging my heels in & telling the oldest DC in no uncertain terms that they are not to leave their bedroom unless it's to help, they are now actually helping & tidying up.
I know things need to change, drastically, as I can't carry on like this in the new year. DH & I do set boundaries & expectations, they just constantly test them & try to push them which is exhausting in itself.

Book yourself into a travel lodge for tonight and remove yourself from the house so they know you're serious about this.

Please don't do this. You want your children to behave because they respect you, not because they're frightened that if they don't Mummy will leave.

Agree with poster who said take everything away change WiFi, take out batteries get stuff out of house or cut plug off TV. Then you all follow a timetable of stuff to do when it is done and only when it is done so they win 1 item back. I think cancelling Christmas for real is too extreme and cruel but threatening to unless they help is fine. Yes it all sounds a nightmare but there are other sides to all stories so u can't just blame children for everything good luck I'm sure with some determination you will achieve what you need to.

Yabu. Your dc are young. Persevere at getting them tidying today with a clear goal of doing the tree.

I would suggest doing Christmas Day lunch out though.

Tell your dh to do more around the house. Put the toddler in front of the tv for 2 x 15 mins a day and he will get loads done. It is ridiculous that he is unable to maintain a decent level of tidiness when he is home every weekday with just one toddler.

Blimey. Sounds like you’re battling on a lot of different fronts, OP.

YWNBU to cancel Xmas, but wouldn’t that just make you feel even sadder and more overwhelmed? Little boys can be a handful, especially as it sounds like they’re close in age and have formed a bit of a bonded pack against you. Maybe you need to divide and conquer?

Personally I’d be switching off the WiFi and confiscating all electronics at this point. Get them each tidying a separate room. Make it a little competition, encourage them to do the best job they possibly can. Reward them with Xbox time or whatever motivates them. And reset expectations from now on - certain treats and privileges only when basic chores are done, bedrooms tidied etc. It’ll be a bit of a slog at first to stick to it, esp if you’re knackered from work, but things will only escalate if you don’t draw a line now.

And it’ll only work if DH supports and reinforces consistently during the week.

He obviously has his hands full with DD, but he also sounds totally useless tbh. Why is he unable to do even the most basic clean up? Why are there piles of dirty laundry everywhere? if he’s a self-confessed lazy arse, do you actually need to make him a list of jobs for while you’re at work like a bloody teenager?!

Sounds like you need to have a proper discussion about reasonable expectations/responsibilities on both sides. The only other options are to do all the donkey work yourself, or accept that you live in chaos. Neither of which seem fair or acceptable to me.

Rather than cancelling Christmas I’d be thinking about how you can rearrange your family life in the new year, so that you actually have some time as a family and some time for yourselves.

I agree with this. I think your children need you around more, OP. I think you would benefit from being around more too.

Fully agree with the family meeting
Make a list of jobs
Some for mum
Some for dad
Some for kids
Set timer or whatever for the kids to do each job. Make them little jobs but lots of them
Best of luck

You can’t blame your 7 and 8 yo for your dh not pulling his weight. I agree with the family meeting. Then book yourself into a hotel for the night. Tell them when you come back you expect x, y and z sorted. Make a list. I think your issue is you have 4 children, not 3 by the sound of it.

Tablets & power cables have been removed from electronics, & will remain so until they have helped tidy. They know how to tidy, they just don't like doing it.
DH does need to do more in the week, & this also frustrates me.

You need a daily rota for everyone you and DH included, everyone knows what gets done and when and the children have immediate consequences if its not done before school or not done by 4pm eg no TV etc until x is done each day. They need to learn by example and not doing it every day between you and DH and then losing your rag or mad panic tidying isn't teaching them anything helpful. Your DH is a sahp but does also work part time so he needs to do more than you but not everything. DH and I both work full time and have a one year old, we work different days with consolidated to cover childcare but do get some time off together. Could the toddler go to nursery even one day a week?

Not one person on here would really cancel christmas. Please don't.

Before sorting out your kids sort out your DH.

Write a list of jobs to be done. Those who don’t do their jobs Christmas is cancelled for everybody. If one person lets down the team everyone misses out.

Put the tree back in the loft so one less thing to worry about.

Jobs like: empty all bins, clean sides, pick up all rubbish, get all plates/mugs to put in the kitchen, someone does dishes, someone collects all laundry, someone sorts out colours/piles, someone goes around to collect things that don’t belong in the common areas to return to bedrooms. Tag team. One DC does collecting mugs, the other washes. Give them a choice of who is doing what.

Once a chore is completed you can allow a certain time to relax of doing XYZ.

Tell your DH if the kids can managed basic tasks so can he.

Take back control. Feel in control.

Op I feel your pain I truly do, I actually would leave all the kids with your oh and book into a hotel for a few days and leave them to it, I am in the same sort of position but other oh has agrophobia, I end up doing absolutely everything outside of the house and am always running around like a blue arrsed fly, so I never have time to do anything in the house. Like you I ahve the same problem but the children are on the spectrum which makes it harder.

I wouldn't cancel but would give them fair warning and tell them they will can have the christmas they work together to achieve. They can get one small present each that you wrap and that's it until they learn to appreciate what they have got. Don't buy or cook a proper Christmas dinner. Your husband can do it. They can have pasta. So it's not cancelled but it's all the family worked together to achieve.

Also tell your DH that him staying at home during the week isn’t working and should get a 9-5. Then at the weekend you can do things together.

I think cancelling Christmas just isn't totally the answer. You need to be firmer parents and stick to new rules. If they don't comply don't give them stuff. Limit times on x box ect. I said a about father. Christmas calling before. See if that works. You have a few days to stick to new rules. If still not helpful maybe cut down on presents but not none at all.
Just leave a note from Father Christmas to say I had more presents for you but you cannot have them as you are not listening to your parents. Obviously give them to them if they change from now until Christmas. If not just a few, then leave more out later in the year once they have been behaving with a note from FC. Telling them how good they have been.
Please make more boundaries be firm and stick to it and for your own sanity. Get a cleaner xxxx

I don't think this needs to be so dramatic. Young children are messy. How are they with sleeping? Could you do a mass clean up after they're asleep or before they wake up? Then there needs to be an incentive for them to keep it clean, perhaps a star chart type thing so they win stars for being tidy or lose if messy then a prize at the end for most stars? Kids are much better at doing chores if there's some fun to it!
YABU to have not decorated the tree in two weeks..

Get outside for a break, so everyone can reset. Try drawing up charts, so all kids have tasks to complete - when these are done (e.g. picking up everything from the floor and putting it in its correct place) then they can have x amount of time on their tablets.

Floralnomad Why so nasty, do you really think this helps?

X-post with your last update. Well done for sticking to your guns and insisting they clean up. Shower them with praise for tidying and make them feel good that they’ve helped you. I really feel for you, OP, you sound bloody worn out. Hope you have a good Christmas.

Sounds utterly hideous for you op . I find it hard work getting my one teen to help so you have my total sympathy. She does buck up when she sees everyone else bucking up though, and that's the key I think.

I don't think it's a good idea in general to link birthdays and holidays with punishments.

Could the problem be that your dh, as the parent who is at home during the week, isn't on top of things himself so the DC are following suit? Children tend to do as they see rather than what they are told.

In your shoes I would insist everyone goes out in the car together for a walk around the park or something to change the mood. On the way home stop for drinks and tell them you need their help to get Christmas on track. Write a list and then allocate specific tasks. I find DC tend to like having responsibility for something slightly beyond that which they think they can handle, as it makes it more interesting to them. Doesn't matter if results are not perfect. Get home, put music on (all tablets confiscated) and get cracking together. Muddle through Christmas this year. Make it as easy on you as you can on yourself. Buy oven ready food etc perhaps? Don't run yourself in to a frazzle. Do some things that YOU enjoy; you've earned it!

In the NY , get your dh on board and both of you follow Flylady or Organised Mum or similar and follow them consistently and seriously. Big declutter followed by consistent focus. Follow principles like swish and swipe bathroom and loo every day. One or two loads of washing every day. Meal planning. Getting clothes ready night before etc. Focus on one zone of your house per week. Family chore time Saturday. Family bed-making Sunday? If done consistently ( by your dh and yourself when you can) the DC will then hopefully see you are serious and follow your example. It's a constant battle though and it's not fair you have to lead the charge. Good luck

I think it’s been a mistake that you and your husband have let it get to this stage. If it’s been so stressful and unsustainable for so long you should have both addressed it well before now instead of going to the extreme of blaming your children for the situation.

You and your husband are the adults, your children are very young.

Why isn’t your husband keeping up with housework during the week? I’ve been in that situation with three kids around two years apart in age, it just has to get done.

The kids behaviour should have been addressed before now. I get that if you don’t have the time or energy this can be hard. But they are at the age where discipline is important and sets the foundation for teenage years and attitude when things will be much harder.

If your job is so stressful and demanding then rethink your situation. Change your job. Or work part time and take a pay cut. Downgrade your house.

I know it’s not that simple. But if your family is the most important people to you then you have to find a way to make it work for you all. Everything else is secondary.

Perhaps your kids are also unhappy with the situation too, when parents are running around like loons stressed and exhausted and not enough time to just enjoy being with them it’s not good for the kids too.

If you can’t say that you’re generally happy with your work and family life most of the time then it has to chance. You and your Husband are the adults and it’s up to you both.

This may well be the time you have to follow through; maybe not to cancel Christmas but have a pared-down version. They'll certainly remember it!
You're having a tough time OP. Once you get your husband fully on board - walking the walk, not just talking the talk - things should get easier. Unfortunately your children seem to have chosen the wrong parental role model.

Can your kids decorate the tree after they've tidied their rooms? It might be a fun activity for them to do & a good way to focus their minds off screens. Get your dh to supervise them.

Get your husband to deep clean the living room so the tree can be decorated late afternoon.

You can put a wash on & then deep clean the kitchen & bathrooms. Once one load is done, put another load of washing on. Does your washing machine have a timer? If so, put a load on before bed and programme a delayed wash on to come on at 7am tomorrow.

Please don't do this. You want your children to behave because they respect you, not because they're frightened that if they don't Mummy will leave.

I agree 100%. FFS would anyone actually do this? Try to scare their kids into thinking that their mother will leave if they don't tidy up more? Terrible, terrible suggestion.