To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

[AppleKatie]

I disagree your children are very young it’s not ok to put the ‘blame’ for Christmas not happening on their shoulders.

Pull yourself together send the kids to their rooms to think about life, put CBeebies on for the toddler and then you and your DH work together like adults to sort the house out and get Christmas happening.

[Selfsettling3]

The older kids are still children. They need to learn how to tidy and as parents it is both your jobs to instal consequences at the time not wait weeks.

How old is the toddler? Do they nap?

It sounds like both you and your DH need to step up and sort the kids out and get a system organised.

[AlaskaElfForGin]

They sound like normal kids their age

Totally disagree. I don't think it's normal at all for a 7 and 8 year old to be rude to their parents. Quite the opposite.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

What bollocks. His job is all of those things and he needs to step up or pay for a cleaner.

Yep, but try suggesting that a stay at home mother should be all those things and you get your arse handed to you on a plate.

[ChristmasSweet]

Switch off the WiFi and change the password.
Remove batteries from TV remote and hide all others.
Remove keyboard and mouse from any computers.
Hide all presents in attic, or just somewhere they can't get to.
Hide all junk food in the attic as well or above.
Tell children everything will be returned once they've tidied the house and they are grounded until it is done.
Go and have a bath.

In that order.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Your husband should get a job and then together you should get a cleaner.

[Youseethethingis]

I think you are an incredibly strong woman to have pulled this lifestyle off for so long. The exhausting relentlessness of it all, lack of quality time with your husband and as a family, the pressure of 3 young kids without childcare or a family support network... hats off to you!
No, you would not be unreasonable to cancel Christmas. It’s sounds like the kids don’t give a shit anyway and you could do without the extra clutter/work/spending. However, it is a shitty thing to have to contemplate, and not what anyone dreams of when they first look down at their gorgeous, squishy newborn.

[Gottalovesummer]

Oh OP, it all sounds exhausting and no wonder you're upset.

My best tip to you is for you and DH to have a big discussion alone and then provide a totally United front to tackle the oldest ones rude behaviour. They need consequences that you both must 100% carry out. DH has to be on board with this. Your toddler will soon start copying her siblings behaviour and then it'll more stressful.

If you can tackle and improve their behaviour, then you'll all be much happier and can work as a family on dividing up chores etc.

Good luck xx

[Rosie2000]

I have taken drastic action when dealing with my own rude children. However I am on my own so don’t have to parent a grown man as well.
Remove all their electronics, pack them away - even better get them
out the house, take out tv aerial. Tell them you want x,y,z doing or you will cancel Christmas. Tell you husband to start parenting, a large part of which is doing the washing, tidying etc. Then have a shower, get dressed and leave them the fuck to it. When you return tonight and the place is not as instructed put away decorations, and have no mention of Christmas. No electronics, tv etc.

[hopeishere]

Get a cleaner. Saved our sanity.

You need to parent your kids - no treats in wrappers until they learn to put them in the bin.

Chore list for the kids / stickers / rewards.

Get a babysitter. Ask around.

Everyone pitches in to clean the sitting room to get the tree up.

[ChristmasSweet]

Oh and ignore them until its done. You have unintentionally allowed them to become rude entitled brats. Time to start standing your ground. They get nothing, no food, no presents, no TV, no games, no attention in the slightest until they have cleaned. If you don't, you've lost.

[Rosie2000]

And yes you and your dh need to be in the same page, if not then it will never get better- speaking from experience

[NorthernLightsInWinter]

Your DH isn't pulling his weight during the week. 'Lazy' isn't an excuse for not getting on and sorting it out. Most people don't like housework, but it still has to be done, and he should be doing it.

He should also be pulling up the snotty 7 and 8 year olds for their shitty attitude.

I'd chuck the tree out the back door and tell them Christmas is cancelled. Since they don't look after their things or the house, they certainly don't need any more things to look after.

[Willow2017]

Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.

This is a joke right?

[TENDTOprocrastinate]

Your husband needs to take on more house responsibilities. Like sorting the washing whilst he is at home during the week (at the very least)

You say you earn good money- get a cleaner. We have one cone every 2 weeks and it’s a god send for keeping on top of things.

[TheOliphantintheRoom]

Your set up sounds tough, OP. Three kids, a full time job and no break at the weekend. The kids never see you and their dad displaying a united front. Can you go down to 4 days a week?

[BarbaraStrozzi]

Step one. Take the tree down and put it away. Tell the rest of your household you are not doing Christmas - if they want Christmas, it's up to them to tidy the house, do the tree, get the Christmas food shop done and cook the Christmas meal.

Step two. Book yourself into a travel lodge for tonight and remove yourself from the house so they know you're serious about this.

Step three. While in travel lodge research local pubs that do a Christmas dinner.

Step four. If you get home tomorrow and the house is still a shit heap and nothing has been done, book yourself, and yourself only, in for a Christmas meal in a local pub.

[HowlsMovingBungalow]

You are the adults - time to fucking adult! instead of weeping both of you need to crack on and clean. Involve the DC's - they can clean their rooms pick up their clothes etc.
You cannot punish children for lazy parenting/adult behaviour.

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

Those telling the OP to "cancel Christmas" are missing the point here. These kids are 7 and 8 so not unruly, ungrateful teenagers who are old enough to know better. Young children can only be expected to understand the importance of respect, adhering to rules and shared responsibilities if that's what they've been taught these things on a consistent basis over time. One big, extreme gesture designed to shock them into submission and born out of anger and desperation on the part of their parent isn't going to teach them respect overnight. It will most likely confuse the hell out of them and create more resentment. Surely it makes more sense to set rules and behaviour expectations that will work long term, on a day to day basis. Otherwise, what happens in a few months time when Christmas (or the lack of) has become a distant memory and that threat is no longer there to hold over them?

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

@Willow2017 - Yes it was. Sorry 😐.

[bridgetreilly]

Intervention now. Children need to be told by both parents that things are changing, starting right now. Removal of screens and other distracting toys. Everyone is working together to make the house nice for you all to be in. Children will be doing what they are told, when they are told. If everything can be done by the end of the weekend, then you will all be able to enjoy Christmas. If not, you will not. The tree will be put away, most of the presents returned, and it will just be a normal dinner. Probably you will be able to go out for a nice family walk.

I would probably divide and conquer - one child with each adult, toddler also included. It's going to be hard keeping them focussed, but it's more important to do that at this stage than get everything done as quickly as possible. Try to break up tasks into smaller sections e.g. hoover the sitting room rather than hoover the whole house, so that there's a constant sense of making progress and so that there's more changing between different activities. Everyone working together will make things much more fun (weirdly, even housework can be fun when you are all doing it).

When it's all done, tell them you are proud of the way they helped, but also make it clear that things are going to need to change permanently. There will be regular chores for everyone, there will be limits on screen time, there will be more whole-family activities, and there will be respect for parents. I think your DH ought also to explain to them that they need to apologise properly to you for the way they treated you this morning, and make it clear that such behaviour is never acceptable in your family.

I'm sorry you've hit this crisis point. I hope you can find a way to turn things around and have the happiest Christmas together.

[leeloo1]

Not much advice op, but you have my sympathy - both on the messy house and on the feeling of despair at bringing more 'stuff' in at Xmas to add to the chaos.

Actually I do have advice - get rid of the tablets and other devices as standard (they make behaviour worse) and put rules in place e.g. 1 hr of help - bringing all rubbish to you to put in a black sack/hoovering etc and through the help they can earn screen time.

I'd assume, if they aren't 'trained' in how to tidy, then they won't know what to do if you say 'tidy your room', but if you stay with them and say "right, every bit of lego in this box" or "who can find 5 bits of rubbish for the bin" and praise them as they are doing it ("oh wow, Jim you have 6, fantastic!" - play to their competitive nature's!) you will get them moving in the right direction. It's a bitpainful and slower than doing it yourself, but hopefully will help long term.

Dh definitely should be doing something with the toddler. She may be clingy, but give her a dustpan and brush, damp cloth to wipe doors, clean socks to match into pairs etc, while dh does bigger jobs. Again, praise her for her help.

I wouldn't cancel Xmas if I was you, but I would minimise it - choose eg 2 (non electronic /video games) each and stick to that. Then at least you'll have less stuff to tidy afterwards!

Good luck!

[lisag1969]

Get your husband to ring you. You pretend it is Father Christmas and talk to him about everything. Then say what you are not coming to our house, why. ?
Because you've been watching my children and you feel they don't deserve any presents as they are not being kind.
Make sure they can here. Tell them he isn't coming unless they help and stop being rude. Also you need to pay for a cleaner, a few days a week x maybe you could drop it to one once on top of things.
Also after Christmas until you Childrens attitude changes when they are for x box games, friends over, or to go to friends houses ect. Say no and stick to it. Not until you behave you need to give them firmer boundaries and don't give in. Also today I would take the fuses out of the plugs of tvs ect and tell them they can't have tv until they've helped tidy.
Also if they help. You can go somewhere nice park, or something they like. X

[Littleshortcake]

This is shocking and I wish I could give you a real life hug. I can't help but feel your dh needs to take real control during the week to tackle washing / wrappers. My advice today would be to tackle the washing and put it away but as soon as dh comes in I would have a hot bath and relax.

I would actually out away the tree and not cancel Christmas but go very low key.

[Stompythedinosaur]

You seem angry with your dc, who are still quite young and probably need support with tidying.

I think you should be angry with your dh, who is the one who should be doing a fair share of the work.