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Original poster

To literally cancel Christmas

438 replies

itsnotterrysitsmine · 21/12/2019 10:27

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

OP posts:
woodchuck99 · 23/12/2019 10:01

very although he

Turquoise123 · 23/12/2019 10:19

I think everyone here feels for you . Make it a small Christmas and loose the Xbox for a while- actions speak louder and all that..

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2019 10:22

Meh. I work part time. On my days "off" looking after my toddler, I still manage to keep the house reasonably tidy, fill/empty dishwasher and do a load of laundry. If there are jobs left over, DH and I will sort them in the evening. We don't do much cleaning because we have a cleaner but I'm sure we could manage a bit while also looking after DS.

woodchuck99 · 23/12/2019 10:32

Meh. I work part time. On my days "off" looking after my toddler, I still manage to keep the house reasonably tidy, fill/empty dishwasher and do a load of laundry.

Are you working while someone else looks after your toddler and do you have a weekend to rest though? You only mention toddler so does that mean you don't also have older children at school and have to do the pickups drop-offs and other activities? If so then I don't agree that you are similar to OPs DH.

woodchuck99 · 23/12/2019 10:33

We don't do much cleaning because we have a cleaner but I'm sure we could manage a bit while also looking after DS.

And you have a cleaner so definitely not similar to OP and her DH.

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2019 10:39

Didn't say my situation is the same or even similar. Just pointing out that it is perfectly possible to do a few small household tasks during the time when the older kids are at school. He has 5 days a week.

Tessabelle74 · 23/12/2019 10:59

I work 16 hours a week, I'm at college full time, I have the older kids at 2 different schools and a toddler yet I still manage to keep the house reasonably clean and keep in top of the mountains of laundry! By his own admissions your husband is lazy. Just stop doing anything for him, let him sort himself out and get him to pay for a cleaner if he doesn't want to do it. Good luck!

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/12/2019 11:03

Your DH isn’t a good SAHP. Force him back to work full time - he can pay for childcare / cleaning out of his salary since he’s so lazy. As for the kids - in your position I would just cancel Christmas this year and tell them exactly why.

LittleMissIvy · 23/12/2019 11:10

I wouldn't cancel Christmas but would say to the older 2 kids that presents will not appear unless they help. Have the resolve to stick to your word. Your DH needs to step up to the mark. What does he actually do as SAHP? A bit of tidying wont hurt, it can be made into a game, count the items picked up and put in a box ( you do have big plastic boxes to put toys, laundry, stuff into? ). Christmas is bad enough at the best of times for working mums, so don't feel bad about having a melt down. But if I were you, with the benefit of hindsight, I'd be sorting my older two out, because if they're rude and unhelpful at their ages, wait until they get to be teenagers....

woodchuck99 · 23/12/2019 11:11

Didn't say my situation is the same or even similar. Just pointing out that it is perfectly possible to do a few small household tasks during the time when the older kids are at school. He has 5 days a week.

It is possible but if he doesn't get a weekend off I don't really blame him for wanting a rest during some of the the time in the week when the toddler is asleep is this may be the only time he can do it. It sounds as if he does do some jobs but I don't think it a fair to expect him to do as much as a stay-at-home mum or someone who works while the child is in childcare and then gets a weekend off.

fishonabicycle · 23/12/2019 11:18

Your husband is a lazy git. There is no way that he couldn't keep in top of washing, cleaning etc during the week. Parenting does not take every minute of the day.

ThunderR0ad78 · 23/12/2019 11:18

Can you afford to get a cleaner in to do an over haul for 3-4hrs? Probably the best 50-60 quid you'll spend! Will make you feel a whole lot better then can tackle the kids' behaviour!

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2019 11:21

Parents don't get weekends off. We still have to do childcare and housework. Easier if there are 2 parents around, though, and if that's the case you can allow each other a bit of rest. Of course it's often the fathers doing the resting while the mothers carry on... (not in our house thankfully, we share).

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 23/12/2019 11:22

If your partner doesn’t work mid week and kids are at school why is the house a mess?

Kids are a separate issue, There would be no gadgets in the home or would there be junk food, solves that issue then the children would get rewarded if they done chores etc...

woodchuck99 · 23/12/2019 11:29

If your partner doesn’t work mid week and kids are at school why is the house a mess?

They aren't all at school. There was a toddler at home.

Jane2357 · 23/12/2019 11:45

Don't cancel Christmas. You expect too much from a 7 & 8 year old. If you and husband can't keep place clean together, get a cleaner.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/12/2019 12:03

I've had to skim read as much as I could so I hope I've not missed anything.
I just wanted to say , please don't cancel. It will be remembered long after all the build up of small things that made you feel like this and I don't think it will solve anything, rather it will just make heels get dug in as everyone justifies their resentment.
Its totally overwhelming having to work full time and cope with boisterous boys and a toddler all at once. It won't always be like this, you will get through it.
You don't have to be perfect. The house doesn't have to be perfect. you just have to get through the holidays and then regroup to make some areas of your life a bit easier for YOU and build on that.
Years of experience has taught me that angry nagging gets me nowhere (although it pops out at times). What works best is moving forward from their annoyingness and asking for what I want in a calm pleasant tone. "Could you all take your x y and z upstairs now please" and handing them a basket.. Its surprising how they just trot off with the basket. A picture of the mess with arrows on what needs doing also works for the more teen generation. And I don't even have to speak! The rudeness needs to be worked on. They are pushing boundaries and trying to get a reaction. Dont give them one. Tell them their behaviour is unacceptable and they need to apologise.

If you can book Xmas dinner out... and get some ready meals for Christmas eve and Boxing day. That's the cooking sorted.
For god's sake don't throw out the Christmas tree as suggested by the Punishment brigade. Get then next to tree. get them to pick one bauble each and hang it Oooh and ahhh (they will hang it wrong but ignore that). Thank them. Ask if they want to pick another one and so on. If you get co-operation with just one thing without an argument that is a win you can build on for the next time.. and it is less exhausting for you.
Take everyone out of the dog house (including yourself).
What is the point in exhausting yourself nagging about screen time rules as has been suggested? Shove them in the car to a park with a ball and let everyone have a good run around. (bring plenty of water and maybe small snacks preempt off the whining) Sometimes doing unexpected things without an argument or telling off, shakes everyone up in a good way. I found if things were overwhelming getting everyone outside in the open air made a real difference to how we all felt.
When they get back, each child gets a basked/carrier bag and has 15 mins to collect their junk from the main living area and put it in their bedrooms. OH has to help with this too. In fact, could his attitude be rubbing off on the children? Leave it for Christmas but after Christmas have a calm sit down talk about how to deal with the children in a positive manner going forward. There's no point rehashing who is at fault, you are time poor and the children's needs are changing rapidly so its a case of responding to that and working out in advance what you would like. Be specific and non accusatory.
But right now, Ask him to help make this getting out and each picking up the clutter a positive task and to back you up and help get it done. Then if they all do it a sweet and a hug.
Some Young children are not great at "tidying up" as a broad order, you have to list it out in small steps. " Please put all your shoes in this place." "Please put all your books in your bedroom, then come back and see me." and get it started that way.
Again none of this has to be perfect but positive encouragement to any sign of being willing.
After Boxing Day. check out Flylady as others have recommended, I found it life saving when we were at your stage.. and the most important thing is take it step by step. It is overwhelming otherwise. You will get there, but its not an overnight fix, just focus on keeping one area reasonable and the washing up and take it easy on yourself this Christmas.
Best of Luck xx

NellyBarney · 23/12/2019 12:06

I think you are quite harsh on your kids. They are quite little still and probably also very tired from school. I work in schools and the last weeks almost all of the kids got tired and exhausted. Try and do a bit of last minute clean up, put the decorations us, cook together a nice but simple and stress free Christmas dinner (no shame about getting frozen stuff in), try and relax in front of the TV, and after Christmas think about what big changes you could make, e.g. DH going back to weekly full time work and you getting a cleaner and toddler goes to nursery, or even toddler going 1 day to nursery and DH using that time to clean and do laundry. Some ground rules, some agreed chores. See it as a New Years Resulution task. But don't be too quick to resent your kids and DH, in the end you would probably feel most miserable if you were to cancel Christmas.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/12/2019 12:16

sorry I should have edited above...running back and forth to the computer and lost my place.

lynney88 · 23/12/2019 12:32

Sounds like you've let the kids rule the roost too long and they no longer have any respect for you or your house. You'll have a long, hard journey ahead of you if you don't stop this behaviour now.

Cancelling Christmas would be a huge shock to them and a shock is what they need. Take the tree, decorations, consoles and gifts away. Give them a colouring book each and that's it. They can earn their consoles back with good behaviour and tidying.

Keep the gifts for their birthdays instead.

As for your husband, yes he deserves a break but he also NEEDS to stay on top of most things as well.

I never go to bed without checking all rubbish and dishes are in the kitchen. Work out between you what you need done everyday and then split the test between the family throughout the week.

XXcstatic · 23/12/2019 12:42

You have had some good advice upthread. I would not cancel Christmas because it is unfair to blame kids who are still young for their father's parents' failure to enforce boundaries consistently.

I would however hold back a number of their presents and make them earn them one day at a time in return for chores completed.

strongteawith2sugars · 23/12/2019 13:04

Cancel it, I didn’t take one of my children on holiday cause they didn’t behave. Wasn’t a terrible child, like nothing physical, but consistently winding us up and answering back.

Do it. They’ll learn. It sounds like they have pushed you enough.

MrPickles73 · 23/12/2019 13:07

Your children sound very spoilt. Remove all electronic toys until they tidy up. The can clean up after meals etc. Tell them a new regime starts today. If you both earn good money employ a cleaner but the kids must pull their weight. I would be tempted to only give the toddler presents if the others are little shits.

myself2020 · 23/12/2019 13:59

@ woodchuck99 most parent's don’t get to rest more than 10 minutes. fact. if you do , you are incredibly lucky. keeping a house in order when at home 5 days a week with one not special needs toddler isn’t even a big job. Its only like 2-3 hours per day max, and the toddler can help.
so yes, husband is very, very lazy.
both older kids are well old enough todo jobs as well!

StylishMummy · 23/12/2019 14:03

Do you want to look back in the future on your family life and see arguments, stress and a total lack of family time?

Cut the kids activities until they pull their weight, is there ANY way you can make the finances work in the next couple of years with changing the way you work so you all have weekends together? When the DC are in secondary school, you won't need wraparound.

Overall you sound unhappy and life is a constant slog. Anything you can do to change it is worth its weight in gold. Happy Christmas OP, I genuinely hope you all have a happy one ThanksCrown Smile