To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

[Itcouldhappentoyou]

You are punishing your young children while your dh gets to use the excuse that he’s lazy. Your children aren’t the problem here!

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

I really love Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe's positive approach - might that work for you in future, itsnotterrysitsmine?
I have nothing helpful to add as am chronically messy and untidy myself and muddle through with the help of a cleaning lady.
Glad you're feeling a bit better and a Merry Christmas to you and your family, itsnotterrysitsmine

[QueenoftheBiscuitTin]

When did it become 'normal' to some people for kids to be rude and disrespectful? It's not at all. DH should be ashamed of himself for being so lazy and unhelpful. You both need to sit down and come up with a system.

[JayDot500]

Glad to see your DC are now on board. Question why they are helping now, where they weren't before. There is hope for you OP 😄

I have a 3 year old that I'm now having to get tough with regarding his toys, food, dirty clothes etc. Using his iPad as a bargaining tool is working nicely for me lol. I'm on maternity leave with a 2 week old, and it's essential my DH cooperates also, even though he works full time. My DH isn't lazy, but needs to be explicitly told how to help/ what to do. So

[JayDot500]

... So good luck!

(Sent too soon, typing with one hand while baby sleeps in other).

[ilovesushi]

Can you get a cleaning service round to do a mammoth clean up in time for Christmas? Sounds like it is too overwhelming and emotional for you and the family to tackle at the moment. For the new year, set up a rota of jobs for all the family and if you can afford it, get a regular cleaner.

[Wauden]

Parents should TELL children to do tasks, not ask them. Parents should stop saying "would you like to help me clear up?" "Can you help?"
It's a bloody order.
Also they need to be able to carry out instructions for when they are older.

[Annasgirl]

Well yesterday a woman who was doing way, way, way more than your DH was told that she was unreasonable to even expect her DH to wash a dish as he was the family PROVIDER.

Since you are the family PROVIDER you need to get your DH to shape up here - either he does it himself or you get a cleaner. Why are you doing anything on your day off? My DH works full time, I work part time and I do ALL the house items, he just does the nice stuff, garden (some) and sometimes takes DC to sports because he loves sport.

Your DH needs to become like me - and if he doesn't like housework, then tell him to get a full time job and employ a housekeeper (that is what the poor woman was told to do yesterday and as I said she was doing way, way more than your DH).

By the way, you have a DH problem

[Dowser]

Christmas in feb sounds a great idea

[AlaskaElfForGin]

When did it become 'normal' to some people for kids to be rude and disrespectful?

I was thinking exactly the same thing. It's in no way normal. Though, working in a school and seeing the way some children speak to their parents, staff and their peers, I fear that kind of behaviour is becoming more 'normal'.

[Techway]

Someone suggested a parenting course and that might be a positive step forward.

Your DH is lazy, probably just for housework however..you can either accept it and pay for someone to clean or try to change him. No way should a house get into such a state with one parent at home during the week. Too messy for Christmas tree?? It should be such a special time for your children.

I feel sorry for your children, whilst they are cheeky to you it shows they don't value you and I think that must come from seeing you and your DH interact. Are they poorly behaved at school?

[MsJaneAusten]

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe speaks sense. Her approach sounds brilliant for the future.

For today, well done! You’ve made excellent progress. Get Christmas done, then have a long chat with DH about how to ensure you stay on top of everything. Chores for the kids. Tick lists for everyone.

Googling ‘123 magic’ might help too. Since DH and I started using this consistently, home life has become much calmer!

[onlyoneoftheregimentinstep]

I really feel for you OP, but ultimately you and your DH have created this punitive regime. None of you is happy, least of all your children and cancelling Christmas is just going to make everyone more unhappy and resentful. You need to sit down together as a family and talk honestly about how you're turn this round. You'll need lots of praise and positivity.

[OhTheRoses]

I am sorry you are having a rubbish time OP.

BUT DC don't just put wrappers in the bin and dirties in the linen basket. It starts from birth. Mummy is going to wipe the kitchen. Mummy is going to put your toys away and the puzzle pieces back in the box, eat your snack at the table and help mummy put the plate in the dishwasher, before you put your pyjamas on, we are going to put your dirty things in the laundry basket, let's put the washing machine on and you can pour in the powder.

And re the manners and back chat. Hand weaning spoon "thank you mummy" Oh you'd like a sweetie - what do you say first. No you can't have x until y is done

It's unrelenting hard work to set biundaries and it starts from day one. DS is 24 and I still say "put your plate in the dishwasher".

Oh and love OP always withblove but it doesn't happen out of thin air or at a point when they are old enough.

I also thinkbthat whilst your dh may work 30 hours pw you are working more and with more travel and there isn't an equal spread of work and responsibility so he needs to step up too and join you on the proactive parenting page.

Can you get a cleaner as it seems you are saving on child care. Cd yr dh work a day during the week or two days during the week to fund nursery or an au-pair.

You both deserve equal quality of life.

[GreyGardens88]

Bloody hell, you need to go nuclear now or they will behave like this forever. Cancel xmas, no presents at all, tell them exactly why. Only Christmas thing you should keep is give them a plate full of sprouts for tea on xmas day

[Izzabellasasperella]

Annasgirl
Well yesterday a woman who was doing way, way, way more than your DH was told that she was unreasonable to even expect her DH to wash a dish as he was the family PROVIDER.
I thought of that thread when I read this one. I was quite shocked at some of the responses on it. Yes she had a dishwasher and a cleaner but some of the posters believed that her dh should do absolutely nothing!
Op I think you've been given some great advice on here. Your dh needs to do more and please don't cancel Christmas that's too harsh.

[JuneSpoon]

So you work 5 days a week and on your 2 at home days you have 3 children plus all the housework to do?

DH works 2 days a week and on his 5 at home days he has one child and does no housework?

Does he realize that is shit for you ?

[YahooGmail]

help mummy put the plate in the dishwasher etc.... but isn't it the Dad that's at home with the kids Mon-Fri? So surely as he's the one spending the majority of the time with them, he needs to be enforcing the rules/manners etc...

[FoamingAtTheUterus]

The person at home during the week is taking the piss.

I'd have a massive declutter. This helps hugely with housework which I struggle with too. I have a one in one out rule, if new clothes are bought the old item goes in the bin.

Junk food, just stop buying it. They don't need it. If there's an occasion to have it ie cinema night then buy enough for that and that only.

The devices. Take them away. This was a real, game changer for us. I really think some kids just can't handle them.

If you can afford a cleaner then get one. But ultimately I think Mr home in the week needs to pull his weight.

As for yourself get the youngest child wrapped up and take her out. Warning the others that you expect big changes when you get back........I wouldn't cancel Christmas. No. I would however scale it down and make this the year I change how things are done.

[OhioOhioOhio]

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep

Exactly right.

Op. Take the rest of the day off and go for a cry. Sit in a heap. And then get going with Christmas. A happy Christmas.

Is your husband kind, but lazy?

[cjpark]

Your DH needs to pull his finger out. Sure, he works long hours 2 days a week - he can take Monday off. Tues- Fri he can do washing, prep meals for the week and clean a room a day. Will take him less than 2 hours and he still has the afternoons off.

[lazylinguist]

Don't go nuclear, it doesn't help. They will be upset at the time but soon slide back into old ways. Praise them and reward them whenever they are helpful and polite. Not every time, and not as a pre-promised quid pro quo, but spontaneously and enthisiastically when they've done well. Because helping around the house shouldn't be something they do for personal gain, but something they do as part of normal life.

Still take away devices etc when they've been rude or refused to help, but generally carrot works better than stick. Let go of crossness about previous behaviour asap and remind them of how nice the house looks now because of their hard work. Might work with your dh too!

[123bananas]

Glad your dc are being more helpful.

We have three and it is messier here because I have been working 60 hour weeks and studying, DH has been unwell. Now I am unwell and trying to get it all sorted, I feel your pain.

This is a DH problem not a DC problem they are still very young.

My DH is a sahp (since dc3 was 1 yr old) and does most cleaning, cooking, laundry etc... even when he had three aged 5, 3 and 1 (as did I with them when they were younger). Dc1 and 2 are messy but will tidy when told to because DH makes them tidy a little each day and take wrappers to the bin (even toddlers can do this if taught). If your DH isn't demanding this from your dc during the week then it is not making the desired behaviour routine meaning you have to push against the tide more. Get him on board and the DC will follow.

[LemonGingerCakes]

They leave sweet wrappers around - don’t buy sweets.

Eating from now on is in the kitchen/ dining room only.

No tv/ phones/ games until their bedroom is tidy. Specific jobs: duvet straight, nothing on the floor, books on bookcase

No tv/ phones/ computer during the morning/ day. Force them to do other stuff.

They can scrape their plates into the bin and put in dishwasher.

I can guarantee they’d be made to tidy at school. Do it at home.

You need strict routines for everything.

[PlasticPatty]

Right.
Cry. Take deep breaths. Drink sugary tea.
Then get up and fight on. Keep Christmas.
I mean it.
I did something similar (not just one year, either) and now, thirty years later, I live in a state of bliss but I look back on the difficult times with respect and affection.
You'll see what needs to be changed, and you'll change it. It will be fine.