To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

I feel for you OP. I have toddler twins and a 3 year old...and it is hard work....tbh regardless of the kids age being a parent and working and looking after the house is hard work for anyone!
Your DH needs to stop making excuses for toddler saying it stops him from doing jobs...get her involved! If I need to do washing I put the clothes in a bag on the floor and get them to put in the washing machine while I do the dishwasher...(takes them a while to put a full load in bless) I give them a clean duster when I'm polishing and the like to wipe the fire place...makes them feel grown up. And also I'm getting to spend time with them whilst getting the chores done. Baby gates are a life saver for me for the twins...I have one on every door so if I need to hoover/mop I know they're safe in another room. You both need to sit down and write a rota of what's being done each day...its not impossible to get things done with kids it just takes longer. Routine is key and your DH needs to learn this as not fair on you. Hope it eases for you! And hope you have a lovely xmas x

Your DH needs to start doing the laundry and housework etc during the week. It sounds as though your DC are getting away with being brats because your DH is not making them behave in the week and giving them a routine, he really needs to step up. If this continues maybe you should consider both going full time and sending one or two of the kids to boarding school or split from DH and have 50/50 custody - that way you get some respite.

Your children are lazy and disrespectful because your husband is lazy and disrespectful.

And I find it very hard to believe that with the various schemes for help with childcare costs, you would not be better off with him doing more work.

Your problem is your husband not your children. Nannies do more than childcare, they do all the children’s washing, make them food but also teach them to clean up, tidy, create routine And generally run the household. For sure they do not ‘clean’ but they tidy the kids stuf and manage their clothes / laundry and bedrooms. Your husband is not stepping up to the job...

I can’t believe how little your dh seems to be doing. I work 3 days and in my 2 days at home I manage to get most of the online food shopping, cleaning, washing and ironing done. (Not all, but lots of it). I also usually manage to get a bit of marking done too. Dd is at nursery from 8:45-11:45 otherwise she’s at home with me on those 2 days. It’s hard work, but is possible. Your dh absolutely needs to stop making excuses and needs to start doing more.

I can't believe anyone saying they would cancel Christmas actually would.
Sort your husband out and your children will follow his example.

Minimal Christmas. Don't decorate the tree. Do a simple turkey meal. Wrap some presents from santa.

Do the bare minimum. You're exhausted.

Take to your bed if you're desperate.
A lot of what you're saying would have resonated with me a few years ago before dh stepped up. Now my job is all consuming he has had to do more.

Having said that, the house is a mess, and I recognise a lot of what you are saying.

I wouldn’t cancel Christmas but you need more support and respect.
I’d be putting up a chore list including your husband and the kids. Have a discussion with your husband to get him on board in advance. If the kids don’t do the chores make sure you impose consequences..no IPad, no spends, no TV. Then follow through, every time. Don’t give an inch! x

Your DH absolutely needs to step up. It sounds like you’re working all week and then dealing with all 3 kids plus a lazy husband every weekend. No wonder you’re chasing your tail.

I do get that it can be hard to keep on top of stuff with a demanding toddler, and for a parent at home that will often come first. I have a 4 year old and there have been many, many times I feel like I’ve spent the whole day tidying and got nowhere. And just as many days where I haven’t done anything in the house. It’s just how it is sometimes. Ultimately I had to learn to let it go a lot. There are basics like putting the washing on, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom that are prioritised, but that doesn’t mean washing always gets put away (also living out of baskets at the moment) and the bathroom hardly ever has a mat on the floor 😅

I don’t know what the best solution for you is but you sound at the end of your tether, totally exhausted and need a break from the grind. You’re absolutely NBU.

Sorry its so tough. Could you manage on less money? If so, reduce your work hours and kick your husbands arse. You'd feel terrible if you cancel christmas. It's not the kids job to manage your stress., 'Tidy up' is too general a term for that age... specific, simple tasks - one at a time. And maybe go off for a couple of hours by yourself to ground yourself. Are you sure there isn't anyone that could help you get a bit straighter, even for a couple of hours? Sometimes we just don't ask. You must know someone that could've babysat for a couple of hours in the last 7 years, that's crazy. Even if no family neighbor, local teenager, agency etc. Sounds like you need to put yourself on the list... I'm sorry, but it's not the kids job to rescue the situation... that's got out of hand. Good luck... and i hope you can enjoy a simple, quality time together, cosy, if messy Christmas, when the day is here.

Sorry but yabu. This sounds like your problem... you've accepted this behaviour in the past for an easy like and now your reading your rewards. Put your foot down cancel the whole thing and you may see an improvement but realistically its going to take hard work for all of you to change habits

You are exhausted and crying cos your DH is useless. Your children don't respect you cos you tolerate a lazy husband. Your house should not be messy if he is there full time Monday to Friday.

Why not take away the electronics indefinitely and make them earn them back (same with tv - only an hour a day)? Cut out the junk food and candy. Have Christmas but on a scaled back version - don’t give as many pressies as you normally do and not many treats. Your DC need to learn respect and maybe removing their electronics “forever” will teach them. Quite honestly, your DH needs to stop being lazy and do more than his bit as you need help. Look after yourself, Op.

Glad to hear you've made a bit of progress with your elder children re tidying stuff away. Well done!

But I was wondering, what support did your DH give you over this, and has he now agreed to step up regarding household chores himself?

Have to say it sounds like it's your DH's behaviour that's the real issue; whilst the children's behaviour is clearly bad, they are only 7 and 8 whereas he is an adult, who frankly should know better! What example is HE giving them during the week about tidying, putting things in the bin, organising their things for school? If they don't see him doing housework it's no wonder that they follow suit - and worse, get the idea that housework is purely a 'woman's job' whatever the circumstances!!

And there are, sadly, still quite a few men who are more than happy to shout at their kids to do more chores without doing anything more themselves...!

You need, urgently, to have a serious talk to your DH about him pulling his weight over this , and get him on board with doing a lot more. I think it's right to say that you aren't prepared to do Christmas as things are as part of this discussion with him.
Once he's on board, the two of you should establish a new regime for the whole family about how housework and chores get done - following some of the suggestions made by other posters I'm sure would be very useful.

Good luck!

And

Sorry, ignore the 'And' at end of my previous post!!

Please people, a little kindness.

The OP hasn't a notion of cancelling Christmas, she's just wrecked from juggling it all.

Please a little compassion.

Lots of positive suggestions that I bet she will try.

I bet she gets it.

She wouldn't be the first woman to think of cancelling Christmas because she's getting so little support from everyone who expect too much from her.

Have a little empathy for an exhausted woman!

She's NOT cancelling Christmas 🙄.

OP, please mind yourself 💐

You have so many messages. I'm sure you're beyond reading anymore.

I agree with everyone on here regarding your DH... It's not great.

But there are a number of things you've mentioned that don't sound great either. Why are you working full time? And in a stressful career... :( It doesn't have to be like this and you have many options available to change that. I think exploring the alternatives is something you should consider.

There are some methods you could try with the kids to shape more responsible and self aware behaviour into them (enabling the current behaviour won't do them any favours in their adult life) ...This is difficult because it sounds like DH may have the biggest influence here so any alternative methods you try with the kids will hold no weight unless DH totally adopts these methods too. This is solvable though.

Please hire a cleaner. I live alone, single, with one child. I cancelled my Netflix subscription, switched broadband provider and stopped buying sugary food (I suggest you also stop buying junk food, it's a total waste of money and you have no idea how much you are spending on it until you stop doing it) I now have a cleaner who comes in regularly. Consider getting some paid help, it's worth compromising a couple of the unnecessary outgoings you may have.

Lastly, do not cancel Christmas.. This could easily result in the reverse of the effect you want it to have. This is a bad idea, however one that I can easily empathise with and understand how you came to it through the emotions and current situation.

You need to work out a new way of doing things, explore your options regarding all of these issues and start putting the changes into place after Christmas. What do you want your life to look like, realistically? What are the real issues currently? Ask yourself some big questions, narrow it down, look at the solutions.

Life doesn't have to be this hard.

This is happening, because you are allowing it to happen. Being assertive involves taking responsibility, I think. This happens because you are not being assertive. Being assertive means that you can reject the request, not the person. Please, take charge of you, your children. Be strong, and be firm. Be consistent xx

💐
Poor you OP speaking as a mum of one toddler I can only imagine your hell!! Your husband and you need to work out the rules and both stick to them they must be getting away with it with him to do it around you. Cancelling Christmas would certainly make them think and save you a lot of hassle too, you sound like you need a break do you ever get one aside from going to work? Sending best wishes to you x

I wouldn’t cancel it, but I wouldn’t be there for it either. I’d book myself into a lovely hotel, drink wine and eat chocolate before going back on Boxing Day!

Yes. Cancel it. Thatll show the ungrateful bastards.

Assuming you have Xmas day and boxing day off give them an ultimatum. If the house isn't tidy by Christmas Eve Xmas is cancelled as you will be spending the day clearing and cleaning. AND MEAN IT. If they realise that you aren't joking they may help. If not, at least on Boxing day you will have a tidy house and a day where you can do what you want.

What does your husband do during the day. TV? Phone?

I'd be taking his phone charger and the remotes to work. He'll have to find something to do

this sounds like my Dd family utter nightmare but shes allowed it to happen and wonders why her dc are scruffy buggers and cheeky, you cant cancel xmas though because you reep what you sew at the end of the day

Seriously?? This sounds insane,you have one parent at home 5 days a week and he JUST does childcare?? He needs to get off his ass and get some chores done. Im a stay at home mum and I do everything around the house while looking after my 3 year old