To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

I agree dh needs to do more in the week, but it is laughable how this is the complete opposite of how a sahm saying she is struggling at home with clingy toddler etc is told to sort things out on mumsnet!!! There it is usually ‘as soon as dh comes in he can chip in, it’s his house and you are not a cleaner and maid’ the double standards...

Right now you need to take some time to get your anger & frustration out of your system... don’t cancel Christmas, you will regret it.
Start by working out what you can live with & what you really can’t ...
Does it actually matter today/this week if the laundry is in baskets or the living room hasn’t been hoovered?
Let go of the perfection or pressure to produce a “perfect Christmas” and have the Christmas that you can manage this year. Be honest with the whole family that there is a list of jobs to be done and everyone needs to pull together. Cut out the unnecessary & spend some quality time together

'Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.'

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks
What planet do you live on???
Did you post that bc you're an attention seeker or bc you were hoping for someone to hand your arse to you on a plate!?? 🤣🙄

I think it’s absolutely disgusting that you husband & kids treat you this way!! Yes I would take the tree down! Ok I’d Give them the gifts that you’ve got them even though my heart says not to but don’t make a massive thing out of the day, but as soon as it’s over it’s time to sit them all down for a talk & explain that this is a family & everyone is supposed to help in the house especially the person who is home all day!! He needs to get a grip & step up to help & encourage the kids to help too... I find it demoralising that they laughed in your face!! That needs addressing ASAP. Time for change, Good luck with it all.

Apologies for not reading to the end of the thread here, stopped at p6 but OP you are Snowed Under.
First point of Call is DH, needs to do more (as you said).
Not the DC’s fault. If you really want them to do something:
TAKE DEVICES AWAY.
Get a one off cleaning service to clear the decks before Christmas if it’s in any way possible so you can start on a new page in the new year.

Good luck

We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).

Not everyone has a "support network" and you presumably both made the choice to have children so yes it is 'on you' to bring them up.

Your DH is incredibly lazy and your children have not been taught manners or to respect their parents or their home. Children can do chores and they certainly should not be allowed to leave wrappers lying around. I agree with a PP who suggested a parenting course for both of you ASAP.

So you have 2 jobs and Christmas on top of it. Partner needs to step up and quick.

Aaah hugs

It’s hard once things get out of control.

I’m a stay at home mum of 2 young girls, I don’t do everything but I do educate them, all laundry washed and hung up (not always put away), half the shopping, all gifts etc, all tidying, kids groups / play dates, all dishwasher, vacuum and mop usually me, basic cleaning I do as well as I can, it’s ok not perfect. Things aren’t super tidy but they are never out of control.

Maybe give hubby a list? I do lists for myself and it helps, so first thing a wash goes on and I tidy bedrooms etc before we start day. Little things like that.

Happy Xmas and good luck

How do you feel now?
Poor you, you are doing the most work and the most housework. Sorry but your dh needs to pull his weight. Is he on the games or internet when you are working?
I would go see your dr as you seem stressed and totally exhausted. Perhaps your hv could help.
Tell the kids that you are ill and they must help ( get a chart) and when they do what they are told they get xbox or as you see fit.
Have a chat with your dh and make things clear. But go to gp first and get checked out.
Hoping you all have a lovely Christmas.

Pack the tree away. Cancel Christmas. Book a babysitter and go out with tour husband. If they dont learn from that harsh lesson they never will. Good luck. You are doing a good jo they are taking the p*. xx

Don’t be so ridiculous Mikki. What do you imagine a 7 or 8 year old would learn from that?

And I’m sure you’d find a willing babysitter for Christmas Day 😂😂

Honestly where do these posters pop up from?

Dear OP ☕️💐
Do not make threats that you are not prepared to carry out (cancelling Christmas).
Children are feral, so it's our job to ensure they are not dragged up (polite, well-mannered, respectful, etc).
7 & 8 is young and it's not their fault that they've been allowed to behave this way for too long. Being rude once is enough. Children and even some adults need boundaries or they'll take the P.
You've said your DH has admitted he's lazy. He's a massive part of the problem then. It sounds as though you're running yourself ragged, whilst he does nothing around the house! Sounds like you have 4 kids (4th being your lazy DH) in addition to being a single parent with a FT stressful job with DH & kids who need whipping into shape sharpest (boundaries and consequences)!
Have 'words' with your DH ASAP. Write out a chores list for him (daily Mon -Fri) and for the kids (ongoing - rubbish in bin, make beds, put dirty clothing in laundry basket, unload dishwasher, decorate Xmas tree, etc).
Get a cleaner if you can afford it, otherwise you and your DH will have to suck it up and manage it between the 'two' of you.
Can't your DH work FT during the week and you work PT hours during eves/weekends if it's financially necessary.
Your DH should be cleaning house, shopping, doing laundry, cooking, school runs and looking after children whilst you are at work FT during the week. Being lazy is not an option, esp. when you become a parent.

Wow, you sound shattered
Agree with PP that a big household overhaul is needed. Children need picture lists to spell out the basic expectations. It sounds like your DH might need a step by step list as well to get into a routine! You could agree that together. It’s less a case of cancelling Christmas and more a case of finding a new way forward. Alexa helps us with all this as she reminds the kids to do various things at various times, and ages good to set a timer for things like ‘we are all tidying up/unpacking shopping/whatever for 20 mins. Also use a 5 minute egg timer for getting undressed and into bath as well as getting out the door to school. If they are not where they should be in 5 mins, screen time is lost. I am not a laid back parent but this is an efficient household that we all contribute to as a team.
Also agree that fresh air and exercise should be part of the new household regime/routine. I can only speak for my own DC but this has a HUGE impact on behaviour and attitude.

Without meaning to sound condescending maybe watch some episodes of super nanny as she has some very good tactics (you can find some episodes on you tube). I say this to try and be helpful as I've got a ds with adhd (who was a huge handful.....part of the reason I've not had another tbh) and I needed all the help I could get. So I'm not trying to point the finger, but try and be helpful. Also found 123 magic a good way to discipline (there are books on Amazon,).

Ps the poster above mine is really good advice too xx good luck hun... u got this girlie ... hugs

Lots of good advice on here already.

But please for the love of God get rid of the devices. They make behaviour far far worse. Lock the Xbox and ipads in a filing cabinet at work, or lend them to a friend so you (or DH) aren’t tempted to weaken and give in. The first few days will be hell but the children will come to value the family time you spend together instead.

I would also recommend Anita Cleare’s blog and newsletter which has loads of good advice and tips for working parents.

OP, I am so pleased to read in your latest updates that things are better today. I hope that this continues.
A PP mentioned the Organised Mum Method and I also highly recommend this. It suggests a routine and takes around 45 mins a day, five days a week. This helps me keep my sanity (an untidy home winds me up!)
Good luck OP. I wish you and your family a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and New Year!

OP you are stressing out and threatening to cancel Christmas which is quite a dramatic thing to do and you say your DC are OTT rude. They have inherited your strong will and tendency to be a bit dramatic. I would say dial things back and work on being calm and this will help the kids behaviour. I'm not saying let them off bad behaviour, but keep things in proportion.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.

You're kidding right? If you're not, does that mean at the weekend the OP can do sweet FA apart from parenting then as after all, she has all three DC to deal with rather than just the toddler? Or maybe her lazy ass husband (his words) could start pulling his weight a bit, both in housework and dealing with the kids behaviour. They're his bloody kids and his mess too and after all!

Sorry but if your husband is home all day in the week why is the house in a state , toddler must sleep for a few hours surely he could do at least an hour cleaning a day , he sounds very lazy
Does you budget extend to a cleaner ?

That's ridiculous. Sahp is not just for childcare. You can clean your house whilst toddler naps or put them in travel cot/playpen while u get shit done. 20-30 mins a day of housework makes a big difference in the long run. Kids don't need to be watched 24/7 that's not real life.

Definitely cancel it. Inform all you have no time for all that Christmas involves as you will be tidying up mess. You are going to have a long hard task ahead to get the older kids to change their attitude. With their father's behaviour I guess they see his couldn't care approach to you and that won't help. You need to have a serious talk with him.

I’ve had this with a former nightmare son and a useless ex. In the end, I just did my best for younger child. We did tree. Gave each other presents. The former two have now seen the light. And are on for Christmas. Only took them 25:years!

Don’t cancel Xmas. Will be ok. Stop being so hard on yourself we you’re doing amazingly

I have read some of the posts. I understand how exhausted you must feel as I feel the same. Constantly chasing my tail. If your husband is at home all week, as others have said, he needs to step up and do what a woman would be doing in that position.

You cannot blame your young children for the state of the house or their attitude, unfortunately this is a as a result of your parenting. Their messiness sounds completely normal but you can’t really expect children that young to help tidy the house up. Only you and Dh should be doing that. Your children are far too young to throw cancelling Christmas at them. You need a talk with you DH to make sure he is pulling his weight. Something needs to change but putting this on your kids is not right. Do not cancel Christmas that’s not fair on the kids. If they were teenagers you might have a point but they’re not.