To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Are those agreeing with cancelling Christmas parents? I can’t imagine they are. I can’t imagine any parent doing this to young children.

Go for it!, no way would I put up with this, your not a slave which is how they are treating you! pull up your big girl pants take all phones I pods games consoles what ever off them, put in boot of your car, tell them jobs to be done to earn time on them, if you stick to it, eventually they will come round. Sorry but sounds like hubby needs kick up butt too, you work full time him part time, he does majority of work/house work too.

@barney60? You do realise you are talking about a 7 and 8 year old who will learn nothing from what you have just said but just be upset at Christmas. Teenagers may take something from this threat but why should young children have to do all these jobs in the house? The Dh should get off his lazy arse to do it?

I haven't read all the posts so may be repeating sorry.
Try a reward system instead of punishment. They start with 10mins screen time a day and then earn extra screen time by doing their chores/helping. Make a laminated chart of everything you want them to do (age appropriate) and for each thing they do they get 10 (however many) more mins screen time that day.
Mine are on school holidays now so I've made personalised check lists of what they need to do everyday before they can have screens and put them in a plastic sleeve. Once everything is checked off they can watch/play without asking. I've included things like get dressed, brush teeth, read something, tidy/help tidy something, practice writing name (middle child), write in holiday journal (7yo) and practice taekwondo. We had a family meeting about this last night and outlined expectations and only day 1 but so far so good.
Hope this helps.
You can get free printables for the holiday check list and other ideas to get them busy/helpful online. I got mine from fun, cheap or free.com

sb74 yes I do realise these children are 7 and 8. I dont think thats too young to be told when finished playing to put toys into a toy box. or similar, my kids pick up after themselves after I broke a toe on lego, they literally throw it into a toy box in corner of the room.I did not mean cancel Christmas I meant "go for it" in sort it out. Agree hubby needs to get off bum thats why I said that in my post. He needs to lead by example.

My view is that the care share is not working because of lack of any structure or discipline during the week. Your husband should get a full time job, and then you should employ a home help or a childminder and cleaner. Then you can enjoy both enjoy your weekends, and have TIME to discipline and play with your children. You might spend more on childcare but you need it for your own mental health.

Childcare is very expensive, so I understand why you're ships passing in the night. 30 hours is nearly a full-time job, which your spouse is cramming into 2 days - with very little over for eating, sleeping, commuting, etc. I think what would help (until your toddler qualifies for more affordable childcare) is making it easier for the kids to tidy up and your spouse aiming to do chores circa Wed-Fri when he's less tired. I'd suggest the simple albeit not particularly pretty method of large buckets/baskets. In the kids' bedrooms, all the toys go straight into one basket before bedtime, etc. Plus, if your spouse writes off Mon-Tues as being realistic downtime from work, he should feel more energised for the latter half of the week and you won't have as many top-up chores for the weekend. Hope you have a pleasant Xmas; remember, adults notice the mess but kids notice the hugs. Your home doesn't have to be showroom-spotless. x

Oh OP -

First off HUGS

I have 3 DC - DS:10 DS:5 DS:10months. The eldest is lazy as hell and the middle is more often than not a total shit. Stubborn, hard headed and has recently learnt a few swear words from a friend from school. DH works full time, long hours and I'm a SAHP mostly on my own. I totally feel you on this post.
I tend to make tidy up time a competition or a race with a reward for the one who tidies the most. That includes me. We all run around the house putting things away and fighting over the hoover.
Is there any chance your LO's will respond positively to that?
There are also some very good Father Christmas apps that are free to download. A "call" to Father Christmas usually stops my two in their tracks. Even just the threat of it.

Keep your chin up - your doing a great job!

Xxxx

Cancel Christmas? That is evil. No mother should ever do that. No matter what.

Don't do it. You'll get over how you're feeling and then realise what an awful mother you were in doing this. They will remember FOREVER.

They are children. If they are misbehaving to this level it is due to parenting mistakes. Talk with your partner, ask for advice, do some parenting education and fix the problem.

I feel you're feeling desperate. Help is out there. And your DH needs ro step up to the plate and take his share! There are so many ways to positively encourage rhe children to be more respectful. Look up positive behaviour management pedagogical research and make it fun and interesting for the children to get involved. Competitons against each other or against themselves (best time etc) are a good start xx

OFGS

Please people, RTFT!

This is happening because you allow it. If you threat that the tree won't be decorated unless .... happens, don't decorate the tree! Be firm. Be consistent. Set your rules - sensible ones - and stick to them. You are the grown up. If you don't get the hang of it, nor will your children. And actually, nor will your partner, who was brought up by a female who did everything. Be strong. YOU are the weakest link in their chain. If you didn't do what you do, they couldn't do what they do. Sadly, you are becoming unnecessary to their requirements. Do what they like, when they like. Get a grip. xx

Your children miss you and they need you.
Children need a mother present mostly for their emotional needs. Their behaviour is not surprising when you explain your work routine and lack of quality family time being spent.
It's not the same having a father take on a mother figure. You need to prioritise things in life. Is it really necessary to have all the good things through slaving away in your life? What does it all come to? What is it all for? Wouldn't you rather work less, earn less, live simpler with a few sacrifices in material things and prioritise what actually matters? And by this I'm talking about your family, your husband, your children.
Parents are robots these days and the new generation of children are suffering so much.
All the while I do sympathise with you.
I'm not going to write a lecture on your husband regarding what he should be doing because this is a msg for you to read.

Because you've been watching my children and you feel they don't deserve any presents as they are not being kind

Urgh, Santa as an evil dictator. What a great idea. Poor kids of that parent. Not you btw op.

Very clearly, your H (not so ‘D’) is the issue here. Don’t let yourself demonise small kids, though I totally get that urge at times too! But they are not to blame for their environment. Good luck setting boundaries with your husband which can hopefully filter down to the kids. Shame that you have a man child.

I highly recommend The Organised Mum Method for housework, it's changed our lives. It's 15 minutes of chores plus 30 mins cleaning a different room each day.
We were stuck in a rut of my OH and DS(8) making a mess while I tidied up after them and cried! We were miserable and feeding off each other's negativity. I've stuck the schedule on the fridge and OH does housework on his days off now without being asked. My son has automatically become tidier and cleans up after himself.

Ultimatum to DH. You’re in this together. Does he care about the mess/ their attitude/ the general chaos/ YOUR mental health?
I’ve been in a similar position and issued an ultimatum. He now does all the cooking so I can do other house stuff when I get home from work.
Divide and conquer.
And the children can earn screen time as said in other posts. Definitely get them to help tidy up.
It must be doing your head in!

When i was a stay at home mum to two, I did washing and cleaning during the day as well as childcare.,you’re husband needs a chore list to follow. Painful, awkward, whatever, you can’t be expected to do it all. I would go with sanctions and rewards for the kids but that’s how we do it. I’m sorry you’re children are rude . That’s tough to face but you have been given an opportunity to repair and get a better system in place before they become teenagers and skulk around and ignore you totally or just walk out. Screen time is a privilege not a right. Mine earn 5 minutes a day for what I deem as good behaviour they are allowed to enjoy that on a Sunday. We have a calendar and at the end of the day I do a smile on the calendar and write their name. You could stick to just two expectations during holidays and build up. 1.tidy room, 2. Set table for dinner. Give praise and wait out the pain and looks, discomfort and whinny grumps that put daggers in hearts. Your husband needs guidance as one child at home and not helping to organise/clean home is pants. However I get that, and have experienced the mini tornado when I come home but he needs to learn, it’s not fair on you. For the kids I would build up chores to putting clothes away and when back at school setting morning clothes and bags out. In regards to Christmas, don’t cancel but tone it down. Give less and do less. Work on getting a better functioning family and household and have a talk to your husband. That’s my two pence.

Ah OP, I feel for you - I’ve been there. YANBU at all. I’d cancel it. And get a cleaner - I did and it literally changed my life.

@Sb74 you sound like a walk over !
Of course 7 and 8 year olds know how to tidy up !!
My children have always been taught to put their rubbish in bins and tidy away toys since atleast 3 ,like any child .
The problem here is that they don’t want to and their feckless dad isn’t helping matters either .
7 and 8 is not too young to know it’s wrong to leave wrappers every where !
These kids sound like they need a shock and their dad needs to step up .
Yanbu,op

I’m with joystir59. I’d write a list of what needs doing today and tomorrow and if it’s not done cancel it. I’m so sorry it’s tough for you at the mo. I would also think about the new year as a fresh start and what you can do to change things (eg what is expcected if each child in house and what are consequences of not doing it eg early bed/no screen) and also what husband now needs to start doing at the very minimum x

@fizzyice I’m not a walkover at all. Of course the kids should tidy up after themselves but but a few wrappers on the floor isn’t the issue and kids that age shouldn’t be given jobs to do. The parents need to sort themselves. You can’t blame young kids for not keeping on top of chores. It’s not Annie!,

You are being unreasonable. Your expectations of a 7 and 8 year old and what they should be doing at home are far to high. It's you and your husband's responsibility to deal with the house work. You have no boundaries and are now planning on punishing your children at Christmas for your inability to manage. Your husband should be dealing with the house while you are at work and the same for you on your days at home. Every parent does some house work while dealing with kids every day you cant just let it build up then blame the children. You should have decorated the tree ages ago with your children and be looking forward to Christmas together. As a health Visitor I am appalled at peoples response to this. You need boundaries and routine for your children no wonder they have no respect. There must feel very insecure and that is why they are acting like that.

I see that people are still talking about what they did as SAHP but the point is that your DH isn't one. He is working a 30 hour week and is not getting much rest either. You are obviously very busy too. The children are just typical seven or eight-year-olds i.e. messy and only tidy when forced to. I think you need to be realistic and employ a cleaner to help you both until your youngest goes to nursery.
I'm glad things are tidier for now.

A 30 hour week?? He works part time at weekends? Did the OP say that he works 15 hours each day?

Omg your life sounds like a nightmare, I think you need to re-evaluate everything an if your husband isn’t up to the job of looking after the house he needs to get a full time job, and you need a housekeeper nanny

A 30 hour week?? He works part time at weekends? Did the OP say that he works 15 hours each day?

She said it isn't standard office hours can be up to 15 hours each day. That would be equivalent to 4 days if it was standard office hours. Therefore very doesn't work full-time you've not a SAHP either. Considering he also looks after a toddler, does the school runs and take the children to activities weekdays, and he does some stuff around the house ,he probably does quite a lot.