To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Your kids sound normal for their age tbh. My 7yo can barely remember to get dressed! Your DH is the problem here. You need to draw up a list of chores and divide it appropriately by how much time each parent is at home. He should be doing most of it. If he doesn’t like this, put the toddler in childcare and tell him to get a decent jobs then get a cleaner for 5-6hours a week who does cleaning and some laundry/changing beds etc. Write down on your list every task you can think of - including school admin and buying gifts/doing haircuts. Then tell DH to sort himself out

"Why are you working full time?"

Why are you asking this ridiculous question?
Would you ask a father the same question?
I sincerely doubt it.
I expect she is working full time for the same reason(s) most people do: to support herself and her family financially and/or because she enjoys working.

I do actually think that part-time working is the ideal (maybe both parents working 4 days a week, using childcare 3 days a week and still having weeks together) but it's not possible in every career and it's not how everyone chooses to do it.

still having weekends together

Working all week in paid employment, then all weekend in unpaid employment? Where is the quality family time? I know it's not easy but you need to rethink the way you live your lives. It sounds like your kids are missing you. You are there in person at weekends, but unable to give them attention. If they're acting like this now, just wait till they're teenagers. You and DH need a long, serious chat. Christmas is the least of your worries, it seems.

It’s not the children you need to lose it with for not pulling their weight and tidying, it’s your lazy husband! What sort of an example is he setting them? He should be doing the bulk of the housework if he’s home 5 days a week.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, OP. It sounds like you have been making a superhuman effort to do all the physical and emotional work of parenting and housekeeping while also working a demanding full time job. This is admirable, but clearly unsustainable - it's amazing you have survived this long. I have two thoughts on this: 1) as others have said your OH is a big part of this problem. Clingy toddler or not, he ought to be able to manage the laundry, tidying and food shopping while you are at work. As a SAHM for 18 years I can tell you it's doable, and he needs to step it up. You will still probably be carrying the emotional load of managing everything, but he could at least pick up the slack by keeping the house tidy and the clothes clean.

Secondly, I think you are going to have to invest some of your remaining energy in setting and enforcing rules for your older kids. It's hard when you are run ragged, because it's always easier to just do something yourself than to nag a child into doing it, but I think you will have to take the time to make your rules absolutely crystal clear and hold the line on enforcement of no screens until chores are done even if they go weeks without a screen and complain bitterly. There is no substitute for relentless consistency in rule enforcement. It will be a massive pain when you just want to give them the screen back to get yourself some peace and quiet. But try to hold on and insist and eventually they will comply. It's not like you are asking them to do something unreasonable. The big change here, though, is that your OH has to do the same. All the time. Even when you aren't there. And for tht you will have to have a serious talk with him and get through to him the importance of this effort.

Good luck!

Basically your husband is lazy but instead of sorting the issue with him you are taking it out on a 7 and 8 year old?

I've read through a few pages and people are giving you really really good advice!!! As a part-time single mum (husband works away 39 weeks of the year) could I really stress that whatever action you put in place will be hard work, but EVEN HARDER will be keeping those actions in place! Please remember that! Kids are meant to push boundaries and they do! I have 4 DCs and its a non-stop fight to get them to do their chores. They only start to understand when they leave home! On top of that 3 of them are on the spectrum - high functioning - I only say that because its like having an argument with Spock off of Star Trek (yes I'm old) but it has taught me that in the end no matter how hard you discuss/reason/cajole/beg - the best way of getting it done are the words "because I said so". Which I swore I'd never say - but I'd rather get chores done than not. DH is having a hissy fit with the TV otherwise I'd tell you the chores that my kids have from the age of 5 - if I get time I'll come back.

I agree very strongly with @Shooturlocalmethdealer and @Katzia , the social experiment in outlawing it has not worked. Glad more people are standing up for what is right despite the PC backlash.

Glad things are a bit calmer for you today. I would be definitely drawing up a rota and giving the 2 older children jobs. At that age they are quite capable of tidying their toys, putting dirty/clean laundry away, washing up.

Limit screen time and electronics ALL time not just as a punishment
Allow a set amount a day and only after they have done what you have asked them

I would be so tempted to cancel it. Perhaps this would give them all (including the DH) the shock they need to realise that being a family means all pulling together and helping each other.

Maybe treat Christmas Day like any other. No presents wrapped and ready for them to open. No nice Christmas dinner, etc. It's not like you're going to be disappointing relatives who will be turning up.

You'll have tears and it's likely DH will go into a strop …. but you can then sit down and have a family conference and tell them this is how it's going to be in future unless they all invest in the family.

Draw up some house rules. Draw up rules for each child according to their age. Draw up a weekly schedule for husband - I know he works weekends but then you work all week and don't expect to have the weekends off just cos you're looking after the DC.

You can always have "Christmas" another weekend - but I think you need to take the stress off yourself but not trying to get ready for it and also send them all a strong message.

So you have two days “off” a week, husband has five days “off” a week and you still have to do all the chores?

Fuck that.

This ^

Why is he allowed to make you do his share of the chores? Lazy isn't a reason you should accept.

Your DC have watched and learned. Mum is responsible for the house. Housework is optional for Dad if Dad feels lazy today. Mum does Dad's share if Dad has not felt like doing it himself. I expect the DC feel lazy too, probably don't feel like doing housework. They follow their role model, pander to their own laziness and leave it for Mum.

I agree your DH can do stuff in the week. So you do all the housework at the weekend with three kids around and he does not with only toddler around.

Can you just not do any washing for a few days so he realises he has no pants etc.
You need to get the kids to pull their weight and your DH.

Family meeting and split the tasks. No screes/pocket money unless the chores are done.

How will you cancel Christmas if the DC believe in FC still?

Maybe just one present from him but everything else just normal?

You are an adult. Get organised - get someone in to do ironing ( it seems as if you can afford it ?) . Call me sexist but most men do not see housework the same way that most women see it . You get the children you have reared . Time to toughen up.

Here’s an idea.......
Since you two are working non stop and trying to manage everything else at the same time and the kids don’t care, leave all the crap where they dump it, don’t cook clean or buy xmas presents for them.
Put the tree up in your bedroom, make sure you have clean bed linen and room is suitably clean and decorated for xmas. DONT NAG or even mention their behaviour, just let them get on with it! You and hubby have a suitable lazy day, stay in room breakfast (posh one) in bed, watch old movies snooze........you get the picture!
Make a nice meal in the evening for yourselves, let the kids get on with it! Let xmas day pass, on your terms, not theirs.
Boxing Day they will have understood! Give them each a black bag and tell them that unless they pull their weight, the rest of their xmas is cancelled, be prepared to go thru with it and stand together!
If they pull their socks up have xmas in full another day...New Years day? I guarantee this will be the last time they don’t listen!
I had similar with mine once, and only once!
Merry Christmas and good luck!

At the risk of being criticized, if a man was coming home from work to a tip, we'd all be telling him not to be such an arse. I'm a sahm and would love to say that my house is always organised and tidy, but it's just not. I also spend much of my weekends cleaning and tidying up, despite having done so most of the week. My 9 year old son creates the most mess. He is just so lazy! Clothes dumped on the floor constantly, drawers/wardrobe always left open, Lego scattered far and wide. He is useless as tidying up. He puts in the bare minimum of effort. I've not been on the ball with really addressing it due to other distractions (husband was in a coma, house move and major house renovation). However, I find that us doing his room together helps. We do it as quickly as possible and keep up the pace. If I need him to tidy anything up really quickly, I put the mission impossible theme tune on. Short blasts work. Try and make it fun (ner). I've been meaning to put up a rota/list of basic chores for him with a reward chart. It won't always be like this. Once your youngest is in school, things will change again and your DH will be able to work during the week, then you can both co parent on the weekend (one entertain the kids whilst the other does a quick tidy). It's just such hard work at times isn't it. Esp at Christmas!

I would get help from a super nanny type "third party". Set up a family agreement with rewards and sanctions. Actions have consequences. Ask hubby to timetable his day and tasks reasonably. Children stop being clingy when they observe adults are genuinely busy.

Agree with PP, as a SAHP I tidy up every day, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, your DP needs to step up. Get a babysitter for two- three hours a week and do the cleaning / chores or get a cleaner in. You DC shouldn’t be punished because he is a useless shit

I cancelled Christmas 2 years ago. Because I came home from Gran Canaria to find my home flooded and everything myself and my DD had ever owned was lost forever.
My reason for cancelling Christmas to my expectant greedy extended family was and still is 'I can't be fuckded to cook for you, because I've done it for years and you don't give a shit'
To be fair, it's worked. (Still amazes me that the selfish treats wonder why)

It’s the DH you need to really sort - and as for the kids. All tablets/screen time is now banned and needs to be earned. They need to pick up after themselves, and more but your DH is setting a bad example.
Here’s what my 7 and 9 year old do - set and clear tables at meals, tidy rooms and beds, dirty clothes in laundry, clean clothes in drawers and generally are tidy/ useful round hse. Coats are hung up, shoes on the rack, school bags in place etc.
We’re not strict this is just the basics of helping out and being part of a family. They get no video games during week - fri-sun only. And maybe an hour telly on a week day if there’s time after footie/ swimming and the rest. Homework also has to be done
Your DH and kids are taking the Mickey, but it’s down to you and DH to set the standards.
It’s not easy OP, we do have to constantly be reminding kids to help out and yes it might be easier to do it ourselves or ignore it but long term I don’t want to be running around after them or living in a tip.
Don’t cancel Xmas. Sit down with DP and talk about how there are going to be changes and as he is the main week day parent he needs to be on it more.
And get a cleaner if you can afford. But paying a cleaner to tidy is a waste of money I think, you still need to tidy first...
And as for the people saying their DC are ‘lazy’ - what child wants to clear up after themselves all the time?? But this is how they learn, from adults making them be responsible.

Now I'm back working full time, DH who also works full time, has had to really step up to help get the house Christmas ready, even though he's knackered. I will be working until 3pm on Xmas Eve, guests arrive at 5pm. Today my ten year old has tidied the lounge and her room, and my difficult/autistic 7 year old dusted everywhere (getting through two cans of pledge but you can't win everything). Nobody got spared the hell of the Saturday before Christmas food shop, if they want fancy food they can come and help. I had help as a kid! Give them all a good kick up the arse, especially your husband, but don't let your boys grow up to be useless and waited upon.

I would sit down and have a meditation session with your DH and kids and set a rota for everyone to do something each day, give them a reward maybe, limit time on devices. Get the house sorted for Christmas but the rota starts in the New Year on ifs or buts.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks Well I manage to do it all during the week!!!!! Whilst looking after a toddler too! I'm disabled as well