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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:

misspiggy19 · 21/12/2019 16:06

YANBU- just carry on as normal with your plans.

Nanamilly · 21/12/2019 16:09

MrsGrindah, your daughter must be feeling awful and whilst I would be trying to make light of it for her sake I have to say Im in agreement with Molteni.

Is there any way you could have a chat with your daughter that leads to her giving her relationship a bit of a spring clean because I think think this bloke is going to hurt her and it will all end in heartbreak.

JennyWoodentop · 21/12/2019 17:01

He's being rude & selfish. Plans were made & agreed according to everyone's availability. If he didn't want to come he should have said so when arrangements were being made.
I would not delay the meal so he could have it, I would serve it at the planned original time.
I would not leave anything plated uo for him. He has chosen to miss the meal so I would assume he is sorting his own food out if he is not arriving till 9pm. He can have toast or make a sandwich if he needs it.
I wouldn't be keen on someone arriving 9pm or later personally if I had work the next day as I'm an "early to bed early to rise" on a work day person. Someone visiting a specific person is fine but someone arriving fo a group thing, sorry, that's too late for me but I realize I may be an exception there.

As with others, it's your daughter I am concerned about. They are not teenagers likely to break up by Easter. They are in their 30s, together a few years, living together. This is a longterm serious relationship, potentially having kids soon maybe. If he is this inconsiderate now, what is he going to be like as a parent? Is the daughter always going to be the default child care while he carries on with his hobbies regardless. One missed meal is neither here nor there, but this could be the pattern for their life together & if she has kids with him it's a whole lot harder to get out of. That's what I'd be thinking about.

Ginfordinner · 21/12/2019 17:20

I'm disappointed that a number of posters think it is ok to renege on a previous commitment because something better has come along.

Whatagoodidea · 21/12/2019 17:39

I am not saying that it is ok to change plans becUsevsomething better comes along. However he has made his decision and all the posters who are saying don't make any effort and leave dinner in microwave, are not foing to make him feel welcome . Therefore when future invitations come along he wont want to. This will only lead to difficulties for your daughter.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2019 17:47

However he has made his decision and all the posters who are saying don't make any effort and leave dinner in microwave, are not foing to make him feel welcome

I think that’s fine. Why should the OP miss out on time celebrating with her family to run around after someone who has decided he’d rather do something else.

Saying “come when you’re done, your food will be waiting for you to re-heat” is perfectly reasonable.

tillytrotter1 · 21/12/2019 23:16

Carry on wIth your plans and tell him to call at McD on the way back.

73Sunglasslover · 22/12/2019 00:36

However he has made his decision and all the posters who are saying don't make any effort and leave dinner in microwave, are not foing to make him feel welcome .##

Why would he assume he would be made welcome if he wants to arrive 8 hours later than the time previously agreed with him? It's a little arrogant to expect to be made welcome after this kind of rudeness. If he can't see the reason he's unwelcome and he generalizes that to future invites then he has a bigger problem than just lack of consideration to others.

73Sunglasslover · 22/12/2019 00:41

Youbdonrealise by making a fuss you risk upsetting your dd and maybe not joining in the future.

You can politely say that you'd rather he didn't arrive at 9 as that could be disruptive. If he has a problem with that it would actually be him making the fuss. OP does not have to accommodate whatever he wants and should not be blamed for any tension which the DD's daughter has created. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions rather than immaturely making it someone else's problems.

PicsInRed · 22/12/2019 03:26

Oh DD, please don't get pregnant.

OP, send your daughter on here, it's likely she needs some robust relationship advice.

wheretonow123 · 22/12/2019 03:56

I feel for you OP.
You try your best to organise something and then something comes along to thyroid it at the last minute.

We had plans to do something with the younger ones of our family at the grandparents town and it looked like it was on the 28th and I just heard one is not available so think I have been able to move it out to the 29th.

I wonder would the reverse be possible for you at late notice - I.e. move from the 29th back to the 28th for your family meal. After all it is less likely that people will need to have to get up early after that.

However, I realise people have so many competing plans that it probably toro late to do that but it might be worthy it to ask the question to see if you can have everyone there at the same time - ands on a better night to meet.

Best of luck and enjoy the evening anyway.

wheretonow123 · 22/12/2019 03:58

The word change should be there instead of thyroid in the first line.

Mamsnetter2020 · 22/12/2019 04:03

Is there even any point in him coming if they are leaving the next morning?

Beautiful3 · 22/12/2019 04:07

9pm? Is there any point him coming over? He probably wont get to yours til 10pm! I wouldn't plate up dinner as he would have already eaten. He can have a sandwich when he gets to yours. Is he drinking? If he is then I'd probably tell him to go home instead. Hate entertaining drunk people. We had 2 drunk visitors drop in on christmas (night time) on their way back home. They were a nightmare and embarrassing in front of the little ones.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/12/2019 04:22

Don’t leave him any food, let alone trifle! Let him get a bag of chips on the way back and look puzzled if he expects anything!

Teateaandmoretea · 22/12/2019 07:55

I'm disappointed that a number of posters think it is ok to renege on a previous commitment because something better has come along.

They don't really it's just that there are always some posters that like to have a go regardless of how sensible/reasonable the OP is being.

I don't think you've made it worse at all OP but the quietness is about issues between dd and dp. What you said is totally reasonable, he can't honestly expect everyone to wait for their dinner until he turns up at 9 'ish'. The plans stand and he helps himself to what he wants when he arrives. I would let him come round though if that's what dd wants.

Iloveacurry · 22/12/2019 08:06

He’s being rude. Keep to your plans and timings, and just plate him up some food for later.

Aroundnabout1 · 22/12/2019 08:39

Not really worth falling out over.

DinosApple · 22/12/2019 09:34

I'd be annoyed too.

I wouldn't gloss over though, as I think that DD needs reassurance that this is poor behaviour. Especially as she's annoyed about it already. Glossing over it would just make her doubt her own valid feelings.

If you speak to him yourself, let him know you're disappointed that he has changed his plans last minute.

IdiotInDisguise · 24/12/2019 12:11

He sounds like my BIL... last Christmas we were invited for dinner at their house 4 hours away, we arrived at 1 to find my sister and DNs at home cooking dinner, my parents, myself and DS joined in to help with preparing dinner, his parents arrived with more food at 6, his sister and niece a few minutes later with a desert, BIL nowhere to be seen. He arrived just before 9 and proceeded to serve himself his own plate of food, no explanations, no nothing. After he served himself we started to serve dinner.

I think my parents and my sister are idiots for putting up and enabling this shit behaviour for years so good on you on not sacrificing EVERYONE for a self-centred twat. My parents keep quiet not to upset DSis but this has led my sister to believe, over the years, that such behaviour is perfectly fine (she would rip your head off if you dare to insinuate he needs to be more considerate...)

LittleDragonGirl · 24/12/2019 12:33

If you chose to follow advice and suggest there is no point him arriving at 9pm, please speak to your DD first and find out if shes okay with it, what she thinks and what she would rather do about it, as you dont want to hurt her while putting your foot down with her dp. Personally at my mothers it would be a case of no point turning up as everyone will be in bed a hour after (if we did turn up 9pm on the dot) and to turn up while everuones in bed wakes everyone up (light sleepers) so incredibly unreasonable. Also if they live a few hours away and hes drinking, I'm not sure how hes planning to arrive, and how much is that realistically going to cost for him and DD as a unit for him to turn up and potentially go straight to bed?

MeetmeinParis · 24/12/2019 17:12

Rude!

Nanamilly · 26/12/2019 15:32

How did the day go Op?

PhoenixReincarnated · 26/12/2019 17:03

@Nanamilly the day is on the 29th.

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