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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:50

The rugby match? I don’t know

OP posts:
Ash39 · 21/12/2019 09:50

His loss. Very rude especially as meal
Already planned weeks ago, but not worth losing sleep over. He is showing himself up. No one else

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:52

I’m not trying to get him to do what we want to do Betty It’s the fact that these plans were all agreed and he wants to change it at the last minute just to suit him.

OP posts:
Ragglesnaggle · 21/12/2019 09:55

But it doesn't change everyone else's plans does it? He's decided to miss out by turning up late, his loss. Nothing else changes surely?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:55

Also I suppose I’m cross because of the way it was done..not “I’m really sorry but I’ve just found out about the match” but just presented as a “ I’ll be there about 9”

OP posts:
FrankRattlesnake · 21/12/2019 09:55

Yes he is rude as he agreed plans with you weeks ago, but I think saying he doesn’t care about you and you or anyone else is slightly OTT - he is rude.

Let him get on with it, don’t do anything special, don’t leave him a plate and don’t change your plans. The fact he will be staying for such a short time is also telling, so fuss over your dd and Have a lovely time with her.

I know we are in an age where no one likes confrontation, but you are an adult so you can always express your disappointment to him directly about the relatively last minute change of plans.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 09:57

He is changing his plans yes it is rude and selfish but your day will go ahead don't give him anymore headspace.

LovePoppy · 21/12/2019 09:57

I’d likely be a bit out out if I were you.

Does your daughter know you’re upset? I’d be mortified if my mother was so upset, and worried about how she’d act.

Really, if I were you I’d just move past it.

We are all supposed to enjoy Christmas. Maybe he thought you’d be grateful to have your daughter to yourself?

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/12/2019 09:58

But he’s not changing anything? You can go ahead and do what you want to do and he can go ahead and do what he wants to do without affecting your plans at all. You still get to see DD. Your family Christmas is important to you, his rugby match is important to him. More booze for you and more leftovers for Boxing Day.

Unclench. Christmas is meant to be fun.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 10:00

Wellthere is always the option of saying something to him as a pp suggested you can let him know you are upset.

RuggerHug · 21/12/2019 10:00

Your poor DD too, I'd be mortified if DH did this. Unless you're planning a late night I'd be tempted as your DD to tell him not to bother just to join the next day.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:01

No I definitely won’t let DD know. But it does change the dynamic of the day..I’m sure some of you elnjoy having everyone around the table, all getting together to swap presents etc. No it’s not the end of the world but I do think it’s affected the day. Our other DD will be there too with her partner. They are all leaving early because they have to work...I don’t think he dislikes us it’s just he’s being a bit selfish

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2019 10:01

Very rude of him. Is your dd spending Christmas with his family or something? Just wondering why you’re doing Xmas later.

midep · 21/12/2019 10:01

I would rather not spend time with someone who would rather be somewhere else, so I would just enjoy the meal with the people who really want to be there.

Don't sweat the small stuff OP, his loss.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:01

Any way I think you are right...shrug and ignore!

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 21/12/2019 10:01

I feel sorry for your daughter really.

diddl · 21/12/2019 10:01

It's rude to have not said anything sooner, assuming he has known for a while that he would be going.

I wouldn't bother with food for him though.

He's not going to be there as he has chosen another event.

Perhaps it not being on CD makes it seem less important to him?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:02

Yes DD with his family on Xmas day

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 21/12/2019 10:04

How lovely to have DD to yourself for the day Thanks

ZenNudist · 21/12/2019 10:05

More info needed. How old are dd and bf, how long have they been together?

Im 40 been with dh 20 years and have 2 children. It wouldn't bother me if he missed a my family late Christmas meal to go to a seasonal event with friends.

It doesn't stop you celebrating with dd.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:06

And he’s not having any of my awesome trifle!

OP posts:
Namelessinseattle · 21/12/2019 10:06

Wait. Hang on.

Dd is with his family Xmas day.

So this is your sides Xmas day, (the 27th or something) with your whole family and he's not coming till 9pm? I'd be raging. That's completely different.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:07

They are early 30s..I’m not bothered about him missing the day..it s not compulsory. I’m bothered about him agreeing something and then changing it

OP posts:
Namelessinseattle · 21/12/2019 10:07

As in the day has been picked to accommodate everyone and now he's not coming till late when he could quite easily have said at planning stage that doesn't suit I've a right match can we do the next day?

Earlgreybee · 21/12/2019 10:08

Just say, ‘oh gosh right, well have a nice time. 9 sounds a bit late though to arrive, all the food etc will be put away by then. Sure why don’t you just leave it then and we’ll see you another time.’

So you are not causing a row or being rude but implying that if you can’t be arsed to turn up at the right time then don’t bother coming that day at all.

Be nice but firm!