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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:36

I think later than Xmas day is obvious! Yes he was asked.. I had the conversation with him and we have all been discussing plans

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 21/12/2019 10:38

It's the lack of realisation and acknowledgement of how much work someone has put into a meal/arrangements that's so galling really. But as a 30 yo man, has he ever had to buy for, cook and serve a dinner for lots of people? Probably not, especially if they go to his parents for Christmas.

To him it's 'just dinner'. Equivalent to a snack on a tray. Until they've actually tried to co ordinate a big meal for lots of people, they really don't get it.

Let him pick at cold meat when (if) he turns up. Don't keep food or make special arrangements for him, he likely won't appreciate it. Make sure your DD doesn't feel his absence around the table, poor lass.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:38

Yes I’ve decided just to leave him to it. He can rummage for leftovers and pick his presents up from the tree. He won’t be drunk though because he’ll be driving and he’s not a drinker really

OP posts:
Karenisbaren · 21/12/2019 10:39

I would do everything as planned and just leave him a plate.

BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 10:39

Massive over reaction.
Sorry, but a Christmas gathering with wider family a few days later... his relationship is primarily with your Dd, are the two of them having Christmas together?
And my guess is he has given you a week ‘s notice? ‘Only a local rugby match’ but presumably a big get together with friends that are also important to him?
This wouldn’t worry me at all.
It is for your Dd to be disappointed.
Shrug, smile, and be really pleased to see him once he arrives.

Steady on with the “I have spent time...”. You invited people. They are not under a contract of obligation. Don’t be That MIL.

Ginfordinner · 21/12/2019 10:41

BettysLeftTentacle you seem to have missed the point. The boyfriend agreed to the plans and has now changed his mind because a better offer has come along. That, IMO, is plain bad manners. I also feel sympathy for the daughter who was probably looking forward to a family get together that includes her boyfriend. I expect the OP is upset on her behalf.

Just say, ‘oh gosh right, well have a nice time. 9 sounds a bit late though to arrive, all the food etc will be put away by then. Sure why don’t you just leave it then and we’ll see you another time.’

I like this response Grin

Mascarponeandwine · 21/12/2019 10:41

—Make sure your DD doesn't feel his absence around the table, poor lass—

Not sure about this either. Not your responsibility to minimise his rudeness or say it’s all ok. Shes in her 30’s, not 16.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:44

Sorry BlouseandSkirtbut you haven’t got it quite right.

He and DD are spending Xmas day with his family.
We agreed to do our family Xmas day a few days later. It will be me DH our two girls and their partners.
They all have to work the next day so we only have this time.
We agreed plans a long time ago but then last night found out he isn’t coming till 9pm

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 10:45

OP; save him a nice plate of food and don’t be so prickly as some PPs are suggesting.
Don’t create a passive aggressive chill in the air, that won’t be kind to your Dd, apart from anything else.

Families need to be relaxed and flexible with each other to be happy. Not getting up in a heap and being spiky at the first sign of something that changed your vision of a timetabled event , everyone playing their correct role.

Radardodgingninga · 21/12/2019 10:48

If the match is his genuine preference try not to resent it. People should celebrate the way they want. I think most people would prefer to spend time at a match/gig/hobby of choice to having a belated turkey dinner at their partner’s parents. Much as I love my MIL if my post Christmas choices choices were another family dinner at her house or a night out at the local sports club with my hobby mates I know which I’d choose. I think I’d say the same thing even if it was my own DC making that choice. I’d miss them and I’d be disappointed but I want them to be free to make the choices that make them happy not come to our events out of obligation or guilt.

I wouldn’t bother plating up a meal for him. Leave his gifts to one side and If he turns up hungry, pour him a drink and let him help himself to leftovers.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:48

I think you are being a bit unkind BlouseandSkirtWhere have I said anything about expecting people to play their correct role?

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 10:48

X posted again.

Hmmm, so your Dd is spending Christmas with him and you had this do that you could have a Christmas dinner with your Dds together?

Will you do this every year your adds do the other family?

I can see you are annoyed as you set it up specially for them. But exasperating. I would still leave it to your Dd to react to him. You are still having s celebration with your Ds.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 10:49

Urgh what a twat he is doing christmas with his own parents but thinks it is fine to drop his girlfriend and parents for mates and Rugby !

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:52

Yes that’s right BlouseAnd if we couldn’t have managed it then that’s fine . But it’s the fact that we had it all arranged, people had juggled plans etc. and he’s just changed it

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 10:53

“But it does change the dynamic of the day..I’m sure some of you elnjoy having everyone around the table, all getting together to swap presents etc. No it’s not the end of the world but I do think it’s affected the day”

Your vision of the day.

It isn’t great that he has done this but be careful, that’s all I’m saying.

And don’t escalate things as per some Pp suggestions. But you had already said you would not, do that’s fine.

Have his family done an alternative Christmas dinner afterwards when he has had Christmas with you?

Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 10:56

If his gf is upset that’s their business, and for her to deal with

MitziK · 21/12/2019 10:56

Poor DD. I wouldn't be annoyed for myself - but I would be for her.

I'd still have a plate for him (shoved in the microwave), but I wouldn't make anybody else go without seconds to make sure he had enough - couple of roasties on the plate, maybe there will be some leftovers he could add - and he can reheat it himself and make his own gravy. Wouldn't be surprised if he'd already eaten by the time he gets there, though, so doesn't even eat it.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:57

Yes ..poor kids are still in that phase of going to each other’s parents so two Xmas days! But they want to do it we don’t expect them to, which is why this has surprised me.

A PP suggested it might be a sign he’s relaxed with us and that might be true I suppose.

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 10:59

Don't leave a plate out for him. He's effectively cancelled on you so the lease he can do is sort his own food out. Has he somewhere else to stay? If so I'd be tempted to ask him not to join you as it might disrupt the things the celebrators are doing. Give him his gift ahead of the time for him to open on Xmas day. But as someone else said, don't criticise him directly. Really it's for DD to decide whether she wants to be with someone who behaves like this and family pressure will make it harder for her to see how rude he is.

Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 11:00

Oh dear, I'd be worried his heart wasn't in it with DD

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:01

We won’t see him before Xmas Day . He’ll be staying with us. Everyone is staying overnight but going back to work the next day.

OP posts:
MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 21/12/2019 11:02

My (now) Dh would occasionally pull something like this, and I found it very upsetting and embarrassing.

I did marry him, but actually it was a bit of a red flag that I wish I hadn't ignored and minimised.

We're still together, but only because I have drawn very firm boundaries and stuck to them, at great emotional cost. He has (largely) manned up and stopped being so selfish.

Your DD's bf is being an arse, and I feel sorry for you and your DD Thanks

ShirleyPhallus · 21/12/2019 11:02

In my family Christmas isn’t a huge deal so I really couldn’t ever get worked up about this. A huge over reaction.

Is this how people get so wound up and stressed about Christmas? It’s just another day with a dinner. No need for such over reactions and frothing.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:03

To be honest I feel a bit better now fir venting on here! Thanks. Definitely won’t be making a scene.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 21/12/2019 11:04

How
Rude!!!!!

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