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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:08

Yes Nameless

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/12/2019 10:08

I agree with most posters ..very rude and inconsiderate of him. Manners and respect are so important to me I would be very cross too.

CherryPavlova · 21/12/2019 10:09

I think it’s a bit rude if he had accepted your plans, but forgivable .

I think start seeing it as a real compliment - he is sufficiently comfortable and integrated into your family that he is able to be honest and not put on a show of politeness. That’s testimony to your relationships.
Let him go without fuss. Tell him you hope it’s a good match. Ask whether he wants supper saved. Say you’ll miss him. Be honest but kind. It will pay off in the long run.

ThursdayLastWeek · 21/12/2019 10:09

I wonder if they’ll still be together next year.
Because that basically sounds as though he’s decided to take up a better offer. I would be embarrassed as your DD too, because it’s a bold statement to make on his part.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 10:09

Sorry but it’s a complete non event, he’s a boyfriend, he doesn’t need to be there if he doesn’t want to, it doesn’t change your day at all, except more of everything for everyone else

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:12

Correct again!

OP posts:
TechnicalSergeantGarp · 21/12/2019 10:17

Unclench, it's no big deal.

I'd rather someone came at 9am than not at all but if they didn't want to visit, I'd rather they didn't bother.

If I made plans I'd stick to them. If I made plans with my family for Xmas day, I'd put time aside if ILs wanted to host. This wouldn't bother me, especially if dd was sticking to the original plan.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:18

I’m not saying he has to be there...I’m not insisting he joins us at all. The bit I’m annoyed about is that he has changed things at short notice without regard to others.

OP posts:
MumW · 21/12/2019 10:20

I'd be pissed off too - especially the going to the pub bit as that is what is making him so late. Tell him to get something to eat at the pub as he will have missed dinner at yours - he's not putting himself out for you so don't reciprocate.

redcarbluecar · 21/12/2019 10:21

Yeah that is annoying, especially as your DD is put out. I also think him going for a drink afterwards is a bit off. But as others have said, just proceed without him and keep some food aside for when he joins you.

Christmaspug · 21/12/2019 10:22

I had a meal planned last Christmas Eve ..serving at 6 ...dd bf kept us all waiting till way past 7 ,food was dried up ,and when he got here he went and sat in the lounge and said he wasn’t hungry ,ffs....won’t make that mistake again ,I now serve food when it’s ready ,if people aren’t here tough

Vulpine · 21/12/2019 10:24

Sports fans can be very obsessive. V annoying

umberellaonesie · 21/12/2019 10:25

I would just point out he will be missing all the festivities, as other DD will probably have left by the time he arrives. Such a shame you will miss our family Christmas day.

fedup21 · 21/12/2019 10:26

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day.

Later than Christmas Day or later on Christmas Day?

Who plays rugby on Christmas Day?!

yellowallpaper · 21/12/2019 10:27

Ask him if he wants a meal left in the microwave, or just some cold meats, pudding, etc. I'm sure he won't want you to be upset by his decision or go out of your way for him.

Eat your meal at the normal time, and don't stress over it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2019 10:27

I wonder how he’d react if your dd decided she wanted to spend Christmas Day with you. He is very ill mannered and doesn’t even have the excuse of being young. Does he normally show such little respect?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 10:28

Later than Xmas Day...ie on a different day

OP posts:
Witsend101 · 21/12/2019 10:28

I would tell him just not to bother coming, what's the point of him turning up at that time?

notacooldad · 21/12/2019 10:30

I'd just carry on with my day.
I dont understand why your hurt and upset though.
I'd enjoy the day with the ones that are there and welcome him in when he turns up.
I don't see why it's a big deal.
I've had this with my brother. Either he comes or he doesn't. The day can still be nice.

Honeyroar · 21/12/2019 10:31

I think he’s very rude, but people don’t always realise how much work and expense goes into a Xmas dinner. How people think being stood up is a compliment is beyond me! He might feel relaxed in your company but he’s still being disrespectful. And he hasn’t even got the manners to rush off after the match, he’s going for a drink afterwards!! He would have massively gone down in my estimations. You don’t drop a family Xmas at the last minute for a sport event.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/12/2019 10:31

Sorry but it’s a complete non event, he’s a boyfriend, he doesn’t need to be there if he doesn’t want to, it doesn’t change your day at all, except more of everything for everyone else

It changes things for OP's DD, who she had already said is upset that her partner won't be there and embarrassed by his rudeness in changing plans at short notice. I think it's a bit dismissive to say "he's a boyfriend" so it doesn't matter if he's there or not. They're in their 30's, have been together for years and OP has said she considers him part of the family, it's not some casual teenage relationship. Of course he doesn't "need" to be there, the issue is that he said he would be and has then ditched his DP and her family for a better offer. It's not the end of the world, but it's definitely rude and bound to put a dampener on the day for OP's DD.

Betterbegoing · 21/12/2019 10:32

I bloody love rugby, never miss an opportunity to see a match, especially with my local team, but he’s just being bloody rude!! It’s not about him being a sports fan, it’s about him having no manners and not respecting dd. It’s rude to change plans especially when they’ve been made to work around the fact they’re with his family on the day itself.
Mind you, as a positive, you get dd on her own all day, and that can be rare with grown up children in long term relationships. Just don’t mention him to her at all, as she is already embarrassed. Poor thing, he’s a bloody man child.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2019 10:33

I'm curious to know whether he was ever asked or whether your DD just agreed to it.

gamerchick · 21/12/2019 10:34

Later than Xmas Day...ie on a different day

This is what's confused people (well me anyway) just say on a different day.

Hes just being thoughtless. He's doing Christmas Day with his family, he's obviously not arsed about the family around the table thing exchanging gifts with his girlfriend's family. But it's up to your daughter to navigate.

Mascarponeandwine · 21/12/2019 10:36

I think it might not be beyond the bounds of possibility that the pub will run, and he won’t turn up at all.

Either he hasn’t thought it through, or doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Or, he know he’s unlikely to come at all, but rather than come out with that first off (in which case he’s know he looks rude) he’s softening the blow with a sweetener so you can’t be too cross in advance. Because he’s still “making the effort”. And if you’re cross on the day you’re the one in the wrong as “you knew he’d be late and it’s hardly his fault he got stuck in traffic and didn’t make it blah blah blah”

I would carry on the day as if he didn’t exist. And certainly wouldn’t be plating up a meal. Dinner is at 6pm (or whenever), take it or leave it. You’re not an American restaurant providing doggy bags for a customer. If he shows his face he can make some toast.

I would also put a time limit on his arrival, last thing you want is him arriving in a taxi at 11pm stinking of booze.