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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 21/12/2019 11:58

I agree it’s rude, as an organised person I would’ve liked him to at least have mentioned this before (do DD and her DP not talk? How come she only knows about it last minute?). But also, it’s not worth all the drama of being ‘embarrassed’ and fretting over the ‘dynamics of the day’ and other OTT stuff. It’s just not that bigger deal to upset yourself over and possibly ruin your day with your family over because your stewing about what is an essentially, non event.

The AIBU is: ‘To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?’. His plans have changed, the OPs haven’t. Sometimes you’ve just got to realise that it doesn’t really matter and carry on.

krustykittens · 21/12/2019 12:00

He is very rude and I wouldn't be bothered about making sure he was fed whenever he decided to grace you with his presence. If I were your DD I would be having some serious words.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 12:00

Yes he didn’t tell DD till Wed and us last night! Agree it’s their business and I don’t intend to get involved in that.

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 21/12/2019 12:02

Out of curiosity OP (I’m not looking for a dig, just wondering), if he’s said he’d rather like to go to the rugby to you 2 weeks or even a month ago, what would you have said?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 12:06

That would have been fine honestly. In fact I’d have been fine if he’d just said he couldn’t come at all. It’s the relative short notice, the time of arrival and the fact that he’s made Dd upset.

OP posts:
Fr0g · 21/12/2019 12:07

I get that catering for a large number is hard work - have at whatever time you'd originally planned, save a plate or not.
Yes, he is being rude - but maybe long day with lots of other peoples family isn't really his thing?

You don't say how many people you are cooking for - but is catering for 9 rather than 10 really that much of a difference? - Or with a roast meal (I presume) even for 3 rather than 4 that much of a difference?

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/12/2019 12:10

Reading between the lines I think there’s probably bigger issues at play between him and your DD here and you’re picking up on that.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/12/2019 12:10

maybe long day with lots of other peoples family isn't really his thing?

A long day with the in laws isn't a lot of people's 'thing' but sucking it up for the sake of your partner is part of adult life.

Panpastels · 21/12/2019 12:11

I get that you might feel sad for dd but other than that I can't see how it changes much. I know I'm not an integral part of my dp's family celebrations and if I missed one they wouldn't be that bothered Grin

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 21/12/2019 12:11

I can imagine the core issue here is how disrespectful he is being to your DD.

He sounds like a selfish turd. I would be annoyed.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 12:12

I have said that there are six of us.

The “effort” if that’s the right word is I have made sure there’s food and drink everyone likes, bought presents for everyone including a silly tradition we have, sorted out a game ( we all love a good game) etc. I am not saying any of this can’t happen without him I’m saying I wanted to include him as I see both partners as members of our little family . Wanting to include someone isn’t a bad thing. I’ve never put any pressure on him, he’s been for Xmas before etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 12:14

Yes and DD is spending the day with his family ( and has done before) so it’s hardly an unusual thing for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 12:15

They have a house together so it’s not a casual relationship. I am upset for DD it’s true but I don’t want her to pick up on that.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/12/2019 12:20

Its pretty rude. Does he generally forget to be considerate of dd in other ways?

Buyitinbamboo · 21/12/2019 12:22

So rude but the sort of stupid shit my DP would do, doesn't mean it maliciously just doesn't think. Difference is I'm probably more bossy than your DD and would say no we already have commitments we are sticking with them. He wouldn't be going.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 21/12/2019 12:24

I am upset for DD it’s true but I don’t want her to pick up on that I wouldn't hide your feelings too much - if he's happy to do this to her at Christmas, how often does he do it the rest of the year? What if you saying it's ok, no bother is normalising his shitty behaviour?

My best friend had a useless husband. We all knew it, no one would say it though - until her mother finally blew up. BF had a very busy week on at work and had to ask her mother to help with school runs and childcare... her husband was at home as well but wouldn't feed, cloth or take his child to school. After a week of doing everything he wouldn't do, her mother stood up and said no. And it was very hard to her to say and hard for my friend to take but it was eye opening as before it had been all 'oh he cant help it, it's just his way'.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 21/12/2019 12:25

I think it's rude to agree to go somewhere for dinner (even family), regardless of what day it is, then just decide at the last minute decide you're going to show up hours later.

Like I think you've already said OP, I wouldn't plate anything up for him, he's opted out of not coming to the meal. You can always point him in the direction of leftovers if he's hungry later. Get on with enjoying your day and put it out of your mind. It's a shame for your DD, I would have been very cross in her shoes back in the day and DH would have been equally Cross if I'd done that to the PIL's back when we still did that kind of 2 Christmas things!

Aridane · 21/12/2019 12:25

Come on, some posters are really over the top telling OP to unclench, that she is having a massive overreaction and frothing. Of course OP Is entitled to be upset . At best her daughter's DP is being thoughtless, at worse really quite rude. Irrespective of it being the 'Christmas' family meal, it's a pretty poor show to be invited to something, accept and then move the goalposts (groan) because something better / more interesting has come up.

I would let your DD drive what happens now.

Glad you feel a bit better for venting

ShirleyPhallus · 21/12/2019 12:28

Come on, some posters are really over the top telling OP to unclench, that she is having a massive overreaction and frothing.

I used the words overreaction and frothing and they weren’t really aimed at OP. They were aimed at the people calling him a cunt and other names. That, to me, is an over reaction.

LondonNovice · 21/12/2019 12:34

I wonder what the reaction would be if your DD told him that she had changed her Christmas Day plans, and that she would now not be turning up at his parents until 9.00pm .

Dollywilde · 21/12/2019 12:38

I’ve been with DH for 7 years and done 6 of those seeing parents (early 30s too) we alternate every year so one set of parents has us Xmas day and the other set Boxing Day.

We’re with DH’s lot on Xmas day this year. If he pulled this shit on Boxing Day when we’re due to see my parents I would be seriously unimpressed. No problem with taking time out to watch his team on TV in the Boxing Day football match, but not turning up til 9? Unacceptable.

I’d let your DD handle it and just not bother with making too much of an effort for him but I feel your annoyance OP!

Dollywilde · 21/12/2019 12:39

Yes @LondonNovice!

Charliecatpaws · 21/12/2019 12:49

I’d tell him not to bother coming, it’s hardly worth it if they are leaving early the next day

TrickyD · 21/12/2019 12:52

He is rude and selfish and you are entitled to be annoyed and to rant on here.

Ginfordinner · 21/12/2019 13:01

Of course OP Is entitled to be upset. At best her daughter's DP is being thoughtless, at worse really quite rude. Irrespective of it being the 'Christmas' family meal, it's a pretty poor show to be invited to something, accept and then move the goalposts (groan) because something better / more interesting has come up.

Well said Aridane