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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 21/12/2019 13:08

I would sympathise with your daughter rather than not saying anything to her- it will be reassuring for her annoyance to be validated by you too.

It's poor form and I bet she wouldn't do it if the roles were switched.

BlouseAndSkirt · 21/12/2019 13:16

To be honest I feel a bit better now fir venting on here! Thanks. Definitely won’t be making a scene.

Good for you, OP.

It isn't ideal, it isn't best behaviour.

But as for I suspect all the people saying it's not a problem and 'unclench' are very rude inconsiderate people themselves - nope - as far as I am concerned I would not do this: I would honour an invite from my ILs.
If my DH did this I would be very annoyed with him. But in the OP's position, I would not engage in any of these reactions (send him to McDs, / tell him not to come / let him eat toast etc). It just escalates family tensions and feuds. In OP's position, it wouldn't make me feel better to start an 'atmosphere' and purse my lips at SonIL. It is Dd's business - let her react and deal with it.

'Nuff tension around Christmas occasions and family - no point stoking it.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 13:21

Thanks all. I will subtly check with DD on the day that she’s okay.

But he’s still not getting any trifle! Grin

OP posts:
Molteni · 21/12/2019 13:48

They are early 30s..I’m not bothered about him missing the day..it s not compulsory. I’m bothered about him agreeing something and then changing it.

I understand, I dislike unreliable people. When you agree to something you follow through. Rude and disrespectful. Whatever the event/plan. It would be different if he had just said: “No”, I can respect that. Not this.

LittleDragonGirl · 21/12/2019 13:56

I don't think this is unreasonable. With my family you DO NOT MISS christmas dinner. Miss anything else but not christmas dinner. My husband knows it would be a huge strike against him if he did, and he respects that's how my family rolls. Attendance can be missed for anything else if things cant be helped and they fully understand and are accepting of that. But christmas dinner is the one meal we meet as a family to eat and its disrespectful to miss or make plans during that time.

Tbh I would be pissed, even more so that these plans where made weeks ago so theres no excuse for missing it. But be glad you get to spend quality time with just your daughter, which may put a positive on it

FinallyHere · 21/12/2019 14:01

On the whole, though, for the person dealing with a partner who pulls this sort of stunt, the kindest thing to do is to rant here and make it as easy as possible for them.

And stand by incase they need your support in future

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 21/12/2019 14:01

Yeah he’s being a massive flake and that would hack me off too.

whyayepetal · 21/12/2019 14:20

OP, YANBU. I’m sure the BF’s dm would feel the same as you if your DD were to announce that she would be arriving at theirs at 9pm on Christmas Day!

AlpacaGoodnight · 21/12/2019 14:53

Rude and selfish! Your poor daughter!

emilybrontescorsett · 21/12/2019 15:16

He is rude and thoughtless.
I would make sure your dd is ok.
Next year get in first and bag Christmas day.

namechange4052 · 21/12/2019 15:28

So rude and so selfish! I bet he is selfish generally as a partner throughout the year if he can cancel on his partner and her family so casually for the family Christmas Day for a local rugby match and pub with 'the lads'.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 15:32

I’ve just spoken to her. She said she’s still trying to persuade him to come as planned. I,replied that we will have a nice day whatever, it’s a shame if he won’t be there but she doesn’t need to worry about it. However I did say we won’t be changing our plans and I won’t be running around after him when he arrives, but he’s welcome to help himself to anything. She went a bit quiet so I hope that’s not made things worse! Aargh I could throttle him!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 15:40

Why is she trying to persuade him? He’s made his plans clear. Do you think they’re relationship is healthy?

Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 15:40

Their!

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 15:43

I think she’s trying to persuade him simply because she wanted to enjoy the day together.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 15:46

But he doesn’t

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 15:47

Yes I agree

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 21/12/2019 15:49

If it wasn’t for the late notice, I’d have said I can see both sides here but, to do this to you at the 11th hour is off

Molteni · 21/12/2019 15:52

On the whole, though, for the person dealing with a partner who pulls this sort of stunt, the kindest thing to do is to and make it as easy as possible for them.

Why though? If everybody would call out/at least acknowledge other people’s behaviour the world would be a better place. He’s getting away with it, and he’ll probably keep getting away with in the future. He committed, got a better offer (from his pov), and changed his plans without taking into account other people. On top of that her daughter is still spending the entire day with his family. He can’t even be bothered to honour his previous engagements, even with extra “persuasion”. So then you’re supposed to keep up appearances; at best leave him passive aggressive cold food or whatever. I couldn't do that.

MerryDeath · 21/12/2019 15:54

i would just let him turn up if he so chooses and he may pick at any leftovers.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 21/12/2019 15:56

I'd tell him it's not worth coming at that time and you'll see him at another time, it's bloody rude especially as your DD is spending Christmas Day with his bloody family - perhaps she should find a sporting event to attend which makes her late for his family's Christmas meal and see what they think of that. If I was your daughter I'd be reconsidering having Christmas Day with him and his family.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 16:00

It's positive in a way, MrsGrindah as your daughter will have seen how easily he can back-slide out of an arrangement. What she does with that information is up to her but she can't be ignorant of that fact now.

I wouldn't allow him to turn up after 9pm either, so if he stays out drinking then he can go elsewhere. There's no way he'd be disrupting our evening that he reneged on himself.

Whatagoodidea · 21/12/2019 16:01

Youbdonrealise by making a fuss you risk upsetting your dd and maybe not joining in the future. I know you say you haven't said anything to her but you can be sure that she is well aware of what you think. Just go ahead with your original plan, he is the one that is missing out. Let him help himself once he arrives

Drum2018 · 21/12/2019 16:03

I'd be telling him he can go to the local chipper after the match.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 16:03

I am not making a fuss. Not sure where you got that from. I’m just asking for opinions on here.

OP posts: