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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DDs partner for changing Xmas plans?

199 replies

MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 09:29

We are having our close family meal later than Xmas Day. All arrangements agreed weeks ago. I’ve put a lot of effort into meal planning , gift buying but I enjoy that so not a problem. The problem is last night we found out that DDs boyfriend now won’t be joining us till about nine o’clock because he’s going to a rugby match! So either we delay everything of just leave him a plate and his gift fir when he comes in.
I know it’s not a major problem but I think it’s bloody rude. Seems like he’s no concept of the spending of time together etc. They will leave first thing the next day too. I won’t let it spoil Christmas but I am cross.Especially since it’s only a bloody local match!

OP posts:
LadyAllegraImelda · 21/12/2019 11:06

Definitely not leave him food, tell him to feed himself if he can't make any effort, he may well be planning to be actually.

Melanin5 · 21/12/2019 11:08

Jeez. It’s not ideal but I agree with a PP. You getting so upset about it is the exact reason why Xmas can become so stressful for some families. Your family will still be together. It’s really not a big deal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 11:10

He sounds very rude. Not 'close family' either. How does your daughter feel about her boyfriend's crass behaviour? I'd be mortified and ashamed of him. How long have they been together?

I wouldn't leave a plate out for him, he get his own leftovers or eat out - McDonalds is open I expect.

He's rude.

Butterymuffin · 21/12/2019 11:12

'OK, we'll put yours in the microwave when you get here'

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:14

They’ve been together 5 years or so. He’s not normally rude, just gets an idea to do something and doesn’t think it will be a problem. DD is upset I know so I don’t want to make things worse.

OP posts:
Tempname92 · 21/12/2019 11:18

If I was your DD I would be really annoyed if my DP was changing Christmas plans at the last minute. I think she should have told him as soon as he mentioned it “but we already have plans with my family etc, I was hoping you’d be there” etc. I think that pre-arranged plans for Christmas should come before a rugby game Shock Especially if they are only staying that night!

My boyfriend is a massive football fan with a season ticket but if we have plans already he will miss the match and lend his ticket to someone else.

I would just focus on your family, he can pick from some leftovers if there are any. Arriving at 9 is too late to really enjoy a big dinner. At 30, he would be aware of how rude this is. I can fully understand why you are annoyed OP.

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 11:23

I think you are over reacting, sorry. I wouldn't give a toss about this.

Just carry on with your plans. He can fit in whenever.

diddl · 21/12/2019 11:25

" just gets an idea to do something and doesn’t think it will be a problem."

Perhaps he needs telling that it is then!

Thoughtless git!

diddl · 21/12/2019 11:25

Why is he still turning up at 9ish?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 11:29

MrsGrindah, Does the boyfriend have to stay? He's obviously mobile to get to the football so he could just pick up your daughter in the morning - and she can spend time with her family. I don't know if that would upset her more?

I wouldn't gloss over it, would make the best of it - but i wouldn't be shy about letting him know that it's not on to accept invitations and then renege on them. Because it isn't.

He's just being a bit of a selfish, thoughtless oaf on this occasion, isn't he?

OlaEliza · 21/12/2019 11:30

Is the reason you are having your Christmas day later because your DD is spending Christmas day with his family?

He's more than a CF imo, and I wouldn't be keeping him a plate or letting him at the leftovers. You want to eat my food? You turn up when it's served. Cheeky cunt.

katy1213 · 21/12/2019 11:34

Let him have a sandwich and a cup of tea. Are you that bothered about seeing him? He's her boyfriend, not yours! And he probably doesn't want to have it set it stone that he spends his day with you. Most men would prefer a match and a pint.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:38

katy123 That’s not what I’m saying at all.

He doesn’t have to stay with us of course but they live a couple of hours drive away. So the options are

Arrive at 9ish, stay over and go back the next day
Go to match and don’t come to us at all
Stick to the original plan.

OP posts:
Sammi38 · 21/12/2019 11:39

Is your family meal on Boxing Day by any chance? I know a few people that play rugby on Boxing Day as it’s tradition.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:39

The reason we are having Xmas day on a different day is to accommodate people work and family commitments. I’m perfectly fine with that..it doesn’t actually have to be on the day itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:39

No it’s 29th

OP posts:
ConstanceL · 21/12/2019 11:42

It's annoying for you for sure, but I feel sorry for your DD - that's a pretty negative gesture for him to make and very disrespectful towards her, especially as they are spending actual Christmas with his family. Agree with pp - it's not your place to say anything to him though, just be supportive to your daughter as fundamentally he is snubbing her by refusing to attend her family's event.

Putting myself in her shoes, I would be mortified if my DH suddenly refused to attend a long standing family arrangement because of a better offer.

KurriKurri · 21/12/2019 11:45

I suspect all the people saying it's not a problem and 'unclench' are very rude inconsiderate people themselves ( the fact that they tell people to 'unclench' is a clue as well)

He made an arrangement with you, he's had a bettter (in his eyes) offer and ditched you. That is incredibly bad manners whatever the occasion. You have gone to trouble and bought food, your DD will be without her partner for you celebration. It is just rude - any normal person would say to rugby chums 'sorry can't come, I'm going to my girlfriends family for the day'.

I'd be seriously unimpressed, but as you say don't let your DD know that and carry on and enjoy your day without him. He may well be old news before next Christmas if he can't put anyone else before himself.

BreatheAndFocus · 21/12/2019 11:46

YANBU. It’s not the fact he’s not coming till late, it’s that he accepted and is now messing you and your DD around.

Depending on how your DD feels, I’d say it was best if he just stayed home then as they’re leaving the next day anyway. Your DD might be less embarrassed without him there as she realises how rude he’s being.

If he does come, I most definitely would not leave a plate of dinner out for him. He can eat when he’s out and just have a snack when he gets to you.

I’d assumed he was much younger. Can’t believe he’s so unaware of how rude this is. Or perhaps he doesn’t really want to come anyway? Either way, I feel sorry for your DD.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2019 11:48

Of course it’s rude.

It’s rude to make plans and then change them for a “better offer”.

It’s not like the rugby fixtures won’t have been available for weeks. Surely it would have been sensible to check first?

Frozenfan2019 · 21/12/2019 11:49

I suspect all the people saying it's not a problem and 'unclench' are very rude inconsiderate people themselves

Agree with this. It's rude and I would be annoyed.

MindyStClaire · 21/12/2019 11:53

I think it depends on who's going to the rugby. If it's a group of friends who don't often manage to get back together, I think it's fair enough to prioritise that. I have one group of friends like that - they're like family to me but we don't manage to meet up very often these days. I would definitely prioritise a day out with them over family I see often. Plus I think for a lot of people, especially at their stage of life, the days around Christmas itself are for family and the 28th onwards for friends.

Junie70 · 21/12/2019 11:55

I'd enjoy your DDs company, and plate up any leftover food from the end of the meal for him to pick at if he wants to. I wouldn't make any more effort than that.

I think it's really rude OP, to be honest. It would make me feel that's he's avoiding a day with you all. Your poor DD.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/12/2019 11:57

He's just being a bit of a selfish, thoughtless oaf on this occasion, isn't he?

People are generally selfish, thoughtless oafs or not. If he was 21 then perhaps we could excuse it as having growing up to do. In my early 30s this would be a warning sign to move on.

But OP I think the issue is dd's not yours. She obviously isn't happy so she needs to deal with it. I wouldn't bother saving him food he can have a sandwich if/ when he finally graces you all with his presence.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 21/12/2019 11:57

days around Christmas itself are for family and the 28th onwards for friends

Well I would love to have seen them earlier but we couldn’t all make it fit..Hence why we’ve had conversations and it’s taken a bit of planning. That’s why I think it’s particularly rude.

OP posts: