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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:
Episcomama · 22/12/2019 00:51

You're right, obviously.

DonutMan · 22/12/2019 00:56

Well, I honestly believe that it would pretty much be signing thsircown death warrant for most husbands to tell their wife she was getting a bit too porky, but ultimately I agree it's selfish to put on that much weight and expect your partner just to 'deal with it'. You'd quite possibly not have fancied him on the first place if he'd been this much fatter (harsh but true).

Rachelfromfriends1 · 22/12/2019 01:14

I flipped a switch in him.

You certainly hurt his feelings but that’s a bit dramatic. Hopefully he could use this as motivation to improve his health, not necessarily to lose the weight if he doesn’t want to, but at least he can inwardly assess and take steps in the right direction

Have either of you seen any progress since joining the gym? Perhaps you need a new PT?

Catsandchardonnay · 22/12/2019 01:22

You were just being honest. It was brave of you to say what you did. How can you help it if you don’t fancy him anymore? You can’t. He asked you a question, you answered honestly. What else are you supposed to do, fake it forever more? I couldn’t do that so I don’t see why you should. 100lb is a hell of a lot. He’s brought it on himself tbh.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 22/12/2019 12:12

Thing is, once past a point of obesity, weight gain often accelerates - the stomach gets bigger, hunger gets more acute and obese people eat more. This is even more of a thing if an obese person loses limbs and mobility.

Thing is, being that fat is dangerous - even Tess Holliday seems to be coming slowly to the realization that Big isn't Beautiful when you are getting your feet cut off in your 40's...

DickDewy · 22/12/2019 12:15

So he's put on 7 stone? That calls for shock tactics.

I am not surprised you find him unattractive.

beautifulstranger101 · 22/12/2019 13:52

I notice of all the people telling OP she is a heartless cruel monster, not one has actually been able to answer my question: What would YOU say to the H when he asks why you haven't had sex then?

I'm also a bit disturbed by this idea that we are obliged to have sex with someone for the rest of our lives no matter what they do to their own bodies. No. We aren't.
The options available to the OP in this scenario are:

  1. Lie
  2. Have sex anyway, even though she has no desire for him and doesnt want to (lie back and think of england!)
  3. Leave him
  4. Talk to him about his weight and her concerns.

Apparently, alot of people in this thread would pick 2. Doesnt sound like a very "healthy" relationship to me.....

Sparkle567 · 23/12/2019 08:04

You haven’t done anything wrong.

7stone is a huge amount of weight and he wouldn’t look anything Like the man you met.

I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone either that out on 7 stone.

homeishere · 23/12/2019 08:07

100 lbs is an awful lot.

YANBU to tell him that you’re sexually not attracted to him at that weight.

If it makes him realise he needs to change then good. If not then at least you won’t have a beached whale flopping around on top of you.

homeishere · 23/12/2019 08:09

Also, to expand, it seems like you’ve tried the softly softly approach, and been supportive in recognising that you have weight issues too.

It might be that he needs a short sharp shock to get himself in the right place.

Otherwise, lose the weight yourself and go and find a new bloke.

Softskin88 · 23/12/2019 08:26

It’s probably been said but if this was OP saying that DH said she was no longer attractive due to weight gain there would be a flood of LTB’s and body-positive messages.

Double standards, MN?

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 08:44

How's it double standards? There is a flood of ltbs, people calling er heartless and cruel and saying she should shag him anyway.

WorriedMum6868 · 23/12/2019 08:59

I dont understand the criticism the OP is getting. No one should shag anyone they dont want to. Her dh is unattractive to her due to his colossal weight gsin (we are nit talking a few pounds or a bit of baby weight)
What was she meant to do? Lie to him and say she has a constant headache? Have sex anyway when she doesnt eant to.. (there's a word for that) or be honest and truthful with him?

nornironrock · 23/12/2019 09:19

I'm astounded by how many people are supporting the OP here.

There is absolutely no way a man would have received the same level of support for saying the same to a woman.

Don't even think about arguing with me, you know I am right.

Ultimately the OP is under no obligation whatsoever to find her husband attractive, but there are better ways of dealing with it, than spitting out insults in the heat of an argument.

BlueRussianCat · 23/12/2019 09:24

Honestly, if I put on 100lbs I wouldn't expect my partner to still find me attractive. There's nothing attractive about it.

BlueRussianCat · 23/12/2019 09:27

This reply has been deleted

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ikeakia · 23/12/2019 09:45

Jesus, what a nest of vipers! Poor OP.

I agree with everything Bluntness has said. OP has done nothing wrong. I get how her DH’s feelings have been hurt but fundamentally there is a huge problem that only he can address. At what point would other posters give up on the ‘softly softly’ approach? At the 200lb gain mark? 300lb? Exactly when would it be ok to mention the actual effect his weight gain has had rather than tiptoe around it?

OP, I totally understand why it came out in anger, you said the thing you had been too scared to say in the heat of the moment as we all have done on occasion. You do not deserve the shit show that has been thrown at you here.

I can only hope you DH finds the strength to overcome his hurt at your words and understand the place they really came from. Then hopefully you can work together to support each other as you go forward.

Best of luck to you both.

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2019 09:58

"Don't even think about arguing with me, you know I am right."

Grin

Someone has spectacularly missed the point of AIBU 😂

M3lon · 23/12/2019 10:03

This is why its better to marry the whole person and not just the silhouette....

BlueRussianCat · 23/12/2019 10:10

This is why its better to marry the whole person and not just the silhouette.... I might love the person but my love would dwindle if they were they were that fat. There's a reason I only date slim people.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 10:17

This is why its better to marry the whole person and not just the silhouette

But sexual attraction is what makes a partnership more than just friendship. I adore my friends but i'm not sexually attracted to them which is exactly why they are just friends and nothing else.

Thats the difference. I'm sorry but its simply not true to say that attraction isn't important in a marriage or relationship.

puds11 · 23/12/2019 10:23

So can I take it that people would rather watch the person they love potentially die from weight related illness than try and help them? Jesus Christ!

I would 100% tell my DH if he was putting on weight and expect him to do the same for me. We are health conscious as OP sounds to be. I don’t think you did anything wrong. Why on earth people think it would be kinder to say nothing and force yourself to have sex with him I don’t know!

M3lon · 23/12/2019 10:26

blue

Newsflash: Sexual attraction can also extend past the meer physical!

If you marry someone when the sexual attraction is only physical, then you are in for a rocky ride, because EVERYONE changes with time.

It says 'in sickness and in health' in the marriage vows for a reason....they are letting you in on the not-at-all-secret that if you want this to work you should have something more concrete than 'I fancy you when you are thin' backing your decision.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 10:33

Everything changing with time is normal and we all know that.

7 stone is not a "normal" change with time. Its 7 stone. Thats morbidly obese, not simply grey hair and a few wrinkles. When you are morbidly obese it will affect your sex life. You are likely to not be able to manoeuvre yourself, you'll be out of breath, your joints will hurt, you might get chest pains, your weight might hurt a partner when its on top of them, weight gain can also cause errection issues due to heightened oestrogen (found in fat). But I guess OP should just shut her eyes and carry on eh? Because its her "duty".

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 11:35

Odd thread, I'm somewhat surprised people are arguining so vehemently that the op should still fancy her husband and have sex with him, even though he is now likely morbidly obese, and irrelevant of her own body issues,

It seems they feel she looses the right to say no if the fact she doesn't wish sex is either about her or his appearance.

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