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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/12/2019 11:42

right.

Ultimately the OP is under no obligation whatsoever to find her husband attractive, but there are better ways of dealing with it, than spitting out insults in the heat of an argument.

How is there a nice way to tell him this truth? What should she have said to him?

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 12:04

@queenofmyprinces Ive already asked this and noone will answer. I said, so what should OP say then when he asks why she doesnt want to have sex with him and it was .....tumbleweed........

The ones attacking OP know damn well there is no way to sugarcoat this so they're just going with sticking your head in the sand, pretending everything is ok and forcing yourself to have sex with someone you dont want to.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 12:06

I really can't see how "we are both getting fatter and I don't feel like sex" is "spitting out am insult"

Definitely some projecting going on here.

Evilspiritgin · 23/12/2019 12:06

I dare say we are probably getting the condensed version of what op has said to her h (I won’t call him dh as he obviously isn’t)

Op can never take back what’s she’s said, even if they came back from this and he lost the 7 st , every time they made love it would be on his mind

As for pp I would tell my husband that sex was becoming uncomfortable, not that I didn’t find him attractive

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 12:09

As for pp I would tell my husband that sex was becoming uncomfortable, not that I didn’t find him attractive

That still means its due to his weight though. If someone told me this I'd still feel incredibly self conscious and mortified about it. I'd have visions of squashing him or whatever.

There is no way to phrase this that isn't going to hurt his feelings. Sometimes in relationships you have to deal with uncomfortable truths. If you can't be truthful (in a kind way) then the relationship is just based on lies and pretence.

sofato5miles · 23/12/2019 12:49

45kg! That is a huge weight gain. I am no sylph myself but I lost 12kg to get out of just obese to just in healthy and that was a radical loss, in terms of shape change.

I don't think you spat out an insult and those who think that that kind of fat gain would not change how you see someone sexually are projecting some weird ass shit.

Btw, my current boyfriend is definitely quite overweight (and very sexy) but if either of is put on the numbers talked about here, it would be a game changer.

TheOldGreenElf · 23/12/2019 13:01

Yanbu.

There is no excuse for excessive weight gain, unless you are pregnant, postnatal or have a medical condition/on medication that causes weight gain.

I'm prepared to get flamed for saying this.

As soon as I notice a person is noticeably overweight, my first thought is "healthy mind, healthy body" ie. They don't take proper care of themselves like they ought to.

TriangularRatbag · 23/12/2019 13:04

As for pp I would tell my husband that sex was becoming uncomfortable, not that I didn’t find him attractive

But this is why lies really don't help. He might find that hurtful anyway, and it's going to lead to a whole other range of questions which you're going to have to dodge somehow.

If it's uncomfortable because you're being crushed by his weight then there are ways round that, which you could explore. There are plenty of different positions that might solve that problem. There's non-penetrative sex, mutual masturbation, plenty of others. You are either going to have to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with or come up with increasingly contrived and unconvincing explanations from which he will draw his own conclusions.

Softskin88 · 23/12/2019 13:08

I completely accept that no one should have sex with anyone, including DH, unless both parties want it.

I accept OP’s right not to have sex with her DH for any reason.

I would just be very surprised if a man who didn’t want sex with his wife and told her it was because she had put on weight and no longer found her attractive would get any sympathy in the same way as OP.

sofato5miles · 23/12/2019 13:41

It is a 7 stone weight gain. I know a 6'4 man who put on 3.5stone and that was incredibly obvious. Enough to take him from large to massive.

itsahiiiipoop · 23/12/2019 13:59

YANBU. I'd want DH to tell me because frankly if you gain that much and don't have a medical condition, pregnancy/post partum, disability, injury or take medication that causes weight gain you aren't looking after yourself.

It's more worrying the damage it's doing to his insides.

Cruel to be kind and all. Don't know why it's such a "hurtful" thing to say in all honesty.

CecilyP · 23/12/2019 14:13

^It’s probably been said but if this was OP saying that DH said she was no longer attractive due to weight gain there would be a flood of LTB’s and body-positive messages.

Double standards, MN?^

No, not at all. If it were just a couple of stone of chub, maybe so, but 7 stone in 5 years? That's the weight of an extra person. And if OP had brought up lack of sex in an argument that had nothing at all to do with sex, I think she would have been criticised too

However, what do you actually think she should have said when she was confronted in this way about the lack of sex?

CecilyP · 23/12/2019 14:17

Ultimately the OP is under no obligation whatsoever to find her husband attractive, but there are better ways of dealing with it, than spitting out insults in the heat of an argument.

So what was she supposed to have said when she was confronted with the lack of sex? Perhaps you think permanent headache was the way to go!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/12/2019 15:21

I don't think what op said was that bad at all, she didn't make it all about his weight gain she said both of them

If he didn't like it maybe he shouldn't have bought up their lack of sex in an argument.

7 stone is an awful lot of weight

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2019 15:38

Bluntness100

Definitely some projecting going on here.

And some are completely overlooking his feelings.

Why don't you just tell the OP to tell him to 'man up' and 'get over it'?

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 23/12/2019 15:46

YANBU. Doesn't matter which way around it was, 7 stone heavier is a lot of weight and the partner is perfectly entitled to find this unattractive. ExH put on quite a bit of weight and I'd occasionally bring it up from a health point of view, which was valid. He did nothing. He made a half arsed attempt when it was very apparent I was on the verge of leaving but it didn't last.

M3lon · 23/12/2019 17:17

beauty I absolutely did not say the OP should have sex with anyone she doesn't want to.

What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier.

ie. better to find the person they are sexy, rather than finding what they look like sexy.

CecilyP · 23/12/2019 17:26

What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier.

How can anyone possibly know? Most of us will pile on a few pounds as we get older, but either ourselves or our partner gaining 7 stone is not something most of us will ever have to think about

andyjusthangingaround · 23/12/2019 17:41

@PlatinumDog
...and? Has it worked? What have you / him done about it since?

you mentioned that both of you are overweight, so I hope you start working on it and the next update is going to be around some lovely romantic strolls in the name of Christmas spirit and getting fitter Smile

fikel · 23/12/2019 17:46

I am not surprised you don’t find him physically attractive, I would be exactly the same!
I also expect my DH would feel exactly the same about me, if I put that amount of weight on.
And I would 100% understand why!

YouJustDoYou · 23/12/2019 17:52

7 stone?? Wow, that's quite a lot for him/anyone to put on. I see attraction differently so I can't really comment (don't feel lust), but id personally be very worried about his health is he's put on that much weight, that's huge amount

BlueRussianCat · 23/12/2019 18:00

M3lon

I might still love the personality, but why would I want to stay with someone who isn't sexually attractive to me any more? Sorry but obese men have always repulsed me

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 18:14

What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier

I'm sorry, but I dont find anyone who is morbidly obese sexually attractive. I'm not judging anyone who is that weight, thats entirely their business, buts its just not personally attractive to me. Obviously, others might feel differently. I would not want to have sex with someone who was morbidly obese no matter what their personality was like. I would still love and care about them, but I think our relationship would end up more like friends than lovers which for me, would make continuing the relationship pointless.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 23/12/2019 18:24

This is why its better to marry the whole person and not just the silhouette....

Christ, what drivel.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 18:31

What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier

🤣