Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


DH’s this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Selfsettling3 · 21/12/2019 00:20

He has been out with the kids and had 5 pints? Is this bit normal to?


BillHadersNewWife · 21/12/2019 00:21

YABU, something happened at his work....he's invested in his job so takes an interest. You can't control him like that.


Star81 · 21/12/2019 00:23

Honestly, a lot of jobs do need more input that contacted hours. Sounds like it doesn't happen all the time and is a one of case case so I’d just accept this and move on. It doesn’t take 2 people to put a child to bed and sleeping in the spare room seems like and overreaction to me.


Nishky · 21/12/2019 00:24

Sleeping in the spare room does seem a tad dramatic tbh


BrieAndChilli · 21/12/2019 00:26

I’m a bit confused? All he’s done is send and receive messages I assume from other members of staff about an incident. What were the messages - work asking him officially what to do or just workmates gossiping? If the latter then I don’t see what was wrong with that? Surely you do the same if anyone - work/friends/family text you about something that’s happened and is out of the ordinary??


aroundtheworldyet · 21/12/2019 00:26

Really! That’s all you get out of this!!

Lots of people deal with work emails/texts all of the time. But they do it because they’re senior and get paid for it. I wouldn’t expect my staff to answer emails/texts late at night. I would happily do so.

So if he is senior I can understand it. If he isn’t then he needs to turn his work phone off.


Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 00:27

Wow. Give the guy a break
Fun sponge Hmm


SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2019 00:27

Well how many kids and how useful is he for bedtime after 5 points?


aroundtheworldyet · 21/12/2019 00:28

Bur I also agree. If it’s just chit chat then that’s pretty normal
If it’s work chit chat to avoid doing any bedtime etc then that’s another thing


AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:28

At what point do you switch off though? Should we be ‘owned’ by our employers and provide a 24/7 service whilst being contracted to work (and indeed be paid) a set number of hours per week?

OP posts:

Qcng · 21/12/2019 00:28

I feel your pain.
I have a DH who basically"disappears" during family time, Sundays, evenings, to do "work" even though it's not work he's paid to do and I can understand you may be at the end of your tether.

Can't he get a separate phone for work? Then he can switch it off during family time and days off?


SinglePringle · 21/12/2019 00:28

Blimey OP, chill out! You sure it’s not you who had 5 pints?!

Incident happens at place of work. Employee is informed but not required to do anything. However, employee likes job / colleagues and messages co-workers to get the gist and offer moral support. Is distracted whilst getting the low down.

Wife loses plot.

Wife is a tad bonkers.


Qcng · 21/12/2019 00:29

Could he be a workaholic?


Qcng · 21/12/2019 00:30

I don't think OP is bonkers.
Unless you've been in her shoes, you can't really comment.


AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:30

Nope this is ‘head office’ calling him, messaging him and requesting a response, apparently 😞

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/12/2019 00:30

YABU, seems like a real over reaction based on the information, he just read and replied to a few texts? He should have left if until after bedtime routine was done (though if you only have one DC then it doesn't really need two of you - not clear on how many from your post).

Feels like you have a really strong issue with his work - to say that you feel your 'right to a life outside of his work' is being denied by him reading and responding to a text? That's way OTT.


TooleyVanDooley · 21/12/2019 00:31

He read and responded to some messages, so you are sleeping in the spare room? I think that’s an overreaction tbh


Qcng · 21/12/2019 00:31

Sorry, obviously you can comment this is obviously a free forum, I meant you can't judge.


Selfsettling3 · 21/12/2019 00:31

aroundtheworldyet not all I get out of it but is part of a conversation about an incident.


AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:31

Just to clarify, no co-workers involved in emails/calls tonight

OP posts:

Nishky · 21/12/2019 00:32

If someone had become unwell perhaps he is concerned for colleagues who may be distressed and is offering support. We have a work Whatsapp group and often use it outside working hours


Expressedways · 21/12/2019 00:32

Taking yourself to the spare room seems like an excessive overreaction to looking at his work phone. You are right that 2 hours after the incident and also because he’s been drinking, there is nothing he can do to practically help. But was that even the point? Was he not just chatting with colleagues about the incident? Wouldn’t most people do that if something unusual happened? At worst it sounds like he’s invested in his job and it’s not like he looked at his phone through dinner so I don’t really get the problem tbh.


bridgetreilly · 21/12/2019 00:33

If he's the manager, then yes, I'd expect him to be responding to an incident in the way you describe. If he's just a junior member of staff, then no, of course not.


Nishky · 21/12/2019 00:33

Oh sorry, cross posted- not that!


SinglePringle · 21/12/2019 00:33

I don't think OP is bonkers.
Unless you've been in her shoes, you can't really comment

I get emails / texts from work all hours of the day and night. So does my partner. It is what it is. Doesn’t bother either of us in the slightest. My work phone never goes off and is always answered. Ditto my blokes phone.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?