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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
HugoSpritz · 21/12/2019 06:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VivaLeBeaver · 21/12/2019 06:46

If he doesn’t have a problem with it I’m not sure why you do. Wouldn’t have taken long to respond to a few messages. If he has a problem he either ignores such messages or tells his bosses that he doesn’t want to be contacted after he’s finished.

First thing I do when I wake up at 6am is check work emails and will often respond to some while in bed. Often the last thing I do in the evening and I check them at weekends as well. I enjoy my job and don’t have an issue with doing so....but my contracted hours are 9-5.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 06:51

Honestly I don't think he ruined the evening, I think you did by your reaction. Most people would have responded as he did. Clearly you wouldn't, and that's fine, but your reaction is very controlling.

Do you often kick off when he doesn't behave as you'd like?

WatchingTheMoon · 21/12/2019 06:56

"OP has said several times that the gym was unmanned when the incident happened. He might "just work in a gym" but if he's a manager or a keyholder he is probably required to be contactable outside of work in case of emergency."

If it was that much of an emergency, then surely he should have just gone in.

I'm not sure why anyone needed to be texting and calling. One person goes in, sorts out whatever has happened, job done.

k1233 · 21/12/2019 06:57

Work have handed me a work phone. They are learning that if they try to contact me of a morning before I get in to the office, I don't answer the phone. Why not? I'm outdoors, with my horse and dogs and do not have a phone on me. I have 20 mins max to get dressed, do hair and makeup and 10 mins to get to work. I get up at 4.30 and start work at 9 am. I learnt long ago that I can control when I start work, but I can't control when I finish. Friday I didn't get out till 8pm.

Unless your DP is the manager of the gym, it's pretty crap them expecting him to be on call without paying him an on call allowance.

Peppapeppapeppapeppa · 21/12/2019 07:02

Crikey OP you completely over-reacted.

Both DH and I work outside standard hours regularly if the work needs done, if there is some sort of emergency or unexpected situation, or if a colleague needs us for some reason. DH is always 'on' re work and never, ever switches off. If I threw a strop about it we'd have been over years ago.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 07:05

If it was that much of an emergency, then surely he should have just gone in.I'm not sure why anyone needed to be texting and calling. One person goes in, sorts out whatever has happened, job done

Gosh, what an unusual response, intimating that you know now to deal with this better than he does from the info posted. Hmm

adaline · 21/12/2019 07:07

If it was that much of an emergency, then surely he should have just gone in.

Him going into work would have been even more disruptive, surely?

Not all emergencies require you to be present either. He dealt with it just fine - OP is the one who got stroppy!

WobblyAllOver · 21/12/2019 07:10

It's sounded like a one off and an unusual incident.

You over reacted. I always think in these situations would you prefer he had spent a few hours sorting it out or to potentially lose his job if he threw a strop like you did to him. It also sounds a bit like you think your job is so much better than his as you talk about 'your senior role, boundaries etc', and his 'nowhere near a 24/7 wage'.

You ruined the evening tbh in this situation. It isn't like he does this every night.

Palaver1 · 21/12/2019 07:10

Be mindful of your over reactions you had had a great time why spoil it .Yes it’s a pain his being dedicated but sometimes these things do happen.

WatchingTheMoon · 21/12/2019 07:12

"Gosh, what an unusual response, intimating that you know now to deal with this better than he does from the info posted. "

What did people do 20 years ago before we all had phones?

They dealt with the situation.

They didn't sit for two hours staring into their phone.

Go and deal with it or don't deal with it, but I fail to see why we all need to be contactable at all times.

Something is enough of an emergency that someone actually needs to go and deal with it or it isn't.

In many countries, there are laws preventing exactly this kind of bullshit because companies rely far too much on people being available at all times.

If you're on call and need to deal with stuff, that's one thing. From what the OP has said, it doesn't sound like this was the case.

And the husband could have dealt with it better. If it was an emergency he needed to deal with, then he should have gone somewhere to deal with it. I cannot stand this lack of separation of private and work life. It means you can never fully relax because you don't know when you'll be called on to deal with stuff. I couldn't live like that and it sounds like the OP can't either.

thickwoollytights · 21/12/2019 07:12

It sounds like this is actually part of his role - he's the contact should anything happen whilst the gym is on CCTV only. If that's the case it should be in his contract and I suppose he should be paid for it, although I find that doesn't happen in my industry

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 21/12/2019 07:17

I can sort of see where the OP is coming from. It's easy to slip into a role that's 'bigger' than your pay grade if you are a caring person. Op is asking for her DH to be at home when he's actually at home.
My DDad used to be like this in his job. He was always going in to sort stuff out that, had he not known about it (by not answering the phone), things would have got sorted by the people being paid to sort it. They didn't think any more of him when push came to shove either.

thelonggame · 21/12/2019 07:20

another vote here for over reacting.
You had a lovely family night out, once you are home hubby answered some work emails while you put the kids to bed.
I really can't see how anything is ruined other than by the OP stropping.

Tetran · 21/12/2019 07:24

@Notaregularmomacoolmom it was 2330, aside from taking them to bed, what do you envisage him missing out on? It was head office contacting him, not just a colleague having a gossip. If the gym is unmanned overnight and he is in any sort of position of authority, of course they might contact him, or is it just other people they'll phone because his wife doesn't like it Hmm. It would be interesting if his contract states that he may be contactable outside of working hours, it's not the same as working a 9-5 office job and co workers keep pestering you.

369thegoosedrankwine · 21/12/2019 07:25

YABU. I often react to work calls at home and once during an entire New Year break when there was a crisis. I am senior management now but I got here by acting just as your DH does even when it was above my pay grade and we live a pretty good life off that now.

Your dh is a grown man with a responsibility to his job and his family and you can have both. You are completely overreacting IMO.

adaline · 21/12/2019 07:32

@watchingthemoon that's fine - you don't have to like it, and neither does OP, but that doesn't mean she has the right to tell him how to do his job.

I'm rarely contacted outside of work but if I was, it would be an emergency and I would deal with it. If DH threw a strop about it "ruining the day" I'd be pretty pissed off. Likewise he's self-employed and is occasionally contacted in the evenings and on bank holidays - I wouldn't even consider kicking off about it. It's his job and I trust him to deal with things in the best way possible.

Twenty years ago when my mum was called into work with an emergency as she was on call, she was even more restricted than people are now! No mobiles really, so she had to stay within a certain radius of work so her bleep/pager would pick up, then she would call into work and deal with whatever the problem was. No, she didn't sit and stare at her phone but she still needed to be available.

We live in a 24/7 society. Not all jobs are just 9-5, clock out and that's it.

ForalltheSaints · 21/12/2019 07:33

Anyone needs to set reasonable boundaries with their workplace for their own health, but also to stop others just being lazy or never making decisions that are part of their job.

We have out of hours issues sometimes at work. So we have a rota of all the relevant managers, and are paid for the inconvenience of being on call (one week in six). Had it been on my one week in six I would not have had so much to drink, and on the others the phone would have stayed at home.

NameChangeNugget · 21/12/2019 07:33

You cannot control people like this OP

stuffedpeppers · 21/12/2019 07:34

Thank god you /he do not work for the NHS!

I do not get paid to be 24/7 on call but in reality I am and if a colleague phoned me for advice - I would give it. Rgardless of the time .

Jellybeansincognito · 21/12/2019 07:35

At what point do we switch off? When we choose to.
He chose to participate with interest to his work phone.

I don’t see the issue here- my first questions would be oh jeez- I hope whoever it is is ok.

Not raging that he’s on his phone, that’s controlling.

SymbollocksInteractionism · 21/12/2019 07:41

I can see where the op is coming from.
If the gym is unmanned every night there should be some sort of on call system in place with people taking turns of being available for emergencies.
There is no way you should be dealing with work emergencies when you are 5 pints down!!

I got a call from work last Saturday night at 11pm. I was on a night out, I'd had a few drinks (not on call) so I didn't answer.
It would have been unprofessional of me to deal with work issues after several drinks.

Ragwort · 21/12/2019 07:44

You actually sound quite immature, lots of jobs, particularly in the ‘service’ sector are not strict 9-5 with a ‘switch off point’. I manage a shop, we had a flood last week, should I just say ‘I am not contracted to work more than a certain amount of hours’ and leave Head Office to sort it out? Hmm. If someone was ill or had an accident of course people will want to know what happened and try to help sort things out.

Employees who have very ‘traditional’ jobs with set start and finish times, official ‘rest periods’, clearly defined duties etc etc often have a problem understanding that a lot of jobs just aren’t like that.

gamerwidow · 21/12/2019 07:44

You've set the boundaries with your work that work for you. It;s up to your DH to set the boundaries with his work that work for him.
It's ridiculous to say it ruined your night. You'd had your night out together already before he even checked his phone. I'm not paid to be on call at work but if something happened and a colleague needed help and advice then I'd help them if I could because I'm part of a team.

rwalker · 21/12/2019 07:48

You ruined the night not him by your reaction. These firms are notorious for this my friend works for snap fitness they are the same .