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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
NoneButOurselves · 21/12/2019 05:31

OP I am surprised by the responses on this thread - I completely understand where you're coming from. You wanted to put the work world and it's cares aside for a night to have fun, be a family unit, enjoy together. To put your kids to sleep together. That doesn't seem to me to be unreasonable. And I understand why the phone intruded on your sense of family time. You've accepted working times but you want the time outside of that. It's awful to feel you can never be free of the phone and its demands no matter the hour or the occasion. I agree - we have to ring fence our time or risk losing a lot. Sorry your lovely night out didn't have a great ending

Scarsthelot · 21/12/2019 05:32

I'm just concerned about him working after he's been drinking - surely that's a huge liability issue?

Liability? Is it there a 'drunk in charge of email' rule?

OP something unusual has happened at work. He is responding to requests for urgent information from his head office. It's an unusual situation.

You seem reluctant to say, but it appears he runs the gym. Not works at it. Is either the mist senior person or a senior member of staff. Of course when an incident happens they are expected to respond.

Scarsthelot · 21/12/2019 05:37

I respond to emails outside work especially if someone has been injured or an incident has happened.

Ita just what you do. An Incident happens, we need to figure our what happened and understand the issue and potential fallout asap.

If dp moaned about having to put ds to bed or that I was logging on I would tell him to piss off. It's an expected part of my job role as a senior member of staff.

Luckily both me and do are understanding that our careers are I protant and pick up the slack from eachother and donr get arsey cause the other has to send a couple of emails.

myself2020 · 21/12/2019 05:38

Perfectly normal i would say. its a serious incident, not something minor. a couple of email responses are fairly minor involvement for something like that for any employee who gives a shit. I would be very unimpressed with a partner who wouldn’t respond!

Aridane · 21/12/2019 05:38

@Notaregularmomacoolmom

Read the threD - OP has said on multiple occasions that it's nothing to do with a co-worker!

Juliette20 · 21/12/2019 05:39

A well-run gym would have people "on-call" to deal with these occasions so that those staff know not to have a drink just in case.

YANBU - people need to know when they can properly switch off. Especially in jobs when.they are not paid particularly well.

OrangeSlices998 · 21/12/2019 05:40

I think this may be a good time for him to raise the issue of needing to manage and resolve incidents out of hours when he isn’t working. Perhaps there should be an on call system, split between him and his team, so he’d know in advance X night and X night he’d have his phone on and be expected to respond to an incident, and be paid for that time. I do agree boundaries are good and this might be a catalyst to sort them with his employer. I’d be annoyed if my DP has to do work stuff of an evening but not livid! Confused what they expect him to need to do 2 hours post an incident that I assume has been handled?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 05:48

I’d find this very controlling if DH was cross I had dared to reply to work outside of paid hours and would be very Hmm if he complained he had to put the children to bed all by himself.

He’s an adult and should be free to make his own choices regarding his job.

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 05:56

@Icecreamandcandyfloss
Why should he put his job ahead of his child? He is not being paid to.

And I forget the name but @ whoever said to read the thread, I did read it, and I find it difficult to believe he was texting an automated system. He was texting a human, who he works for/with...whomever it was (I actually don’t think it was anyone from his work at all) he could talk to them after putting the kid to bed.

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 05:58

@BillHadersNewWife 😂 he’s invested in his job so he has an interest in that
Laughable that you don’t seem to realize he should be equally and obviously MORE INVESTED in his CHIlD!!!

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 05:59

OP look at the phone number of the supposed higher up from work....not just the contact name

Scarsthelot · 21/12/2019 06:00

Why should he put his job ahead of his child? He is not being paid to.

Exactly how did the child suffer?

Aridane · 21/12/2019 06:07

However, your H has shown you where his priorities lie

Not really. If he'd dealt with all of this whilst he was out with OP so that their great evening out had to come to an end, that could show a skewed sense of priorities. But the reality is that he didn't even look at his phone till the evening was over and they were at home, when it didn't impact on anyone else. So it's a case of prioritising dealing with this over, well, bumbling around and going to bed. Not a biggie, really

Spot on - very much agree with this

PorridgeAgainAbney · 21/12/2019 06:12

I find it depressing how most seem to think that the OP is wrong/bonkers/OTT. My DH is similar, low management but regularly dealing with calls/messages at weekends because higher management aren't available. If this happens regularly it does have a massive impact on family life because you know that once the first message has come in then there will be lots of contact until the issue is resolved so that person is mentally not really with you for the next couple of hours. In his case, it's linked in with him having been badly bullied by his manager for the last 2 years: doesn't have the confidence to say no, others know he will always reply and help and he doesn't have the confidence to look for another job.

It's not naive to want people to switch off from work (obviously there are exceptions but I'm talking generally). Sometimes I feel like it's just another symptom of the attitude that some people need to feel wanted/needed/important these days: the only person in my team who has their work email synced to the phone is someone who is always very dramatic about how busy they are but doesn't seem to produce much, talks like a polititian in meetings (says loads but doesn't really make any sense) and as soon as they walk in shouts about emails that came through overnight that didn't need any action and weren't even relevant to their role in the team.

StoneColdSaidSo · 21/12/2019 06:17

I had a similar issue with dh when we first met. He’s been with the same company for almost 16 years and had been long-term single before he met me. We also, at the time, lived 5 mins from the site. They just got used to him being the go-to after hours guy. If the alarm went off, dh would be called. Any store issues, shutters getting stuck, window smashed etc it was always dh. I put up with it until we had dd and then I asked him to have a word and said it wasn’t fair and it was always him being called. He had a family now and he needed to prioritise us.

I get it op but for tonight, there isn’t much you can do.

Newbie1981 · 21/12/2019 06:18

@Selfsettling3 Your comment is pathetic! It's Christmas, get a life!

SallyWD · 21/12/2019 06:23

You wouldn't like to be to married to my husband. He never switches off and checks work emails every evening/weekend/holiday. I don't see what the big deal is to be honest. Sounds like a bit of an emergency at work and he's responding. Why are you so upset? I'm more concerned that he had 5 pints. I wouldn't like my husband drinking that much on a family night out.

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2019 06:23

It's hardly taken over your evening when it didn't impact you at all until 11:30. If it's taken over your evening it's because of your strop not him replying to a few messages.

Snowflake9 · 21/12/2019 06:24

When I worked for a gym. As an assistant manager, my phone was constantly going off when I wasn't in work. Especially if there was an incident. It's the nature of the beast. I was paid a little over minimum wage too, contracted for 39 hours a week. Some weeks was doing 50+. Needless to say I no longer work for them

WatchingTheMoon · 21/12/2019 06:26

I can't believe how invested some people are in their jobs that they would accept this. You are replaceable and the fact that you accept this makes work shittier for everyone else.

After work hours, I ignore any contact about work. Fuck that. I don't live to work and I'm there enough that they can talk to me about anything while I am in the building.

In some jobs, of course it might be necessary. But he works in a gym. I'm sure someone else there can deal with it.

Dontdisturbmenow · 21/12/2019 06:31

How did he ruin the evening? You went out as a family, he clearly ignored his phone despite all the calls, so why are you so upset about it? Is it because you were hoping he'd be on putting the kids to bed duty whilst you crashed on the sofa? Is it because you'd hope to put your child to bed and then jump on the bed and have adult celebration?

I think it is wonderful that he shows such care for his job. Too many people see it as just a mean to earning money, he clearly cares that someone has got hurt.

Fair enough that you'd be a bit annoyed at the bad timing of the circumstances, but to get so angry at your OH that late in the night, I do feel sorry for him.

minesagin37 · 21/12/2019 06:31

Most jobs impact upon life at other times unless you work in Tescos stacking shelves. If it's an out of the ordinary emergency then it's a one off situation but he shouldn't be managing that in a drunk state. Perhaps he needs to talk to his company about on call arrangements. Can gym managers not split the on call and do one weekend in 6 and that weekend he doesn't drink?

Fr0g · 21/12/2019 06:35

The issue, for me, is that this has now taken over our evening. - well only because you made such a drama out of it.

Most orgs have an emargency contact list as part of their business continuity plan, sound like your partner is on it. Without your inbut could well have been a 5/10 minute text reply.

adaline · 21/12/2019 06:35

Sorry OP, but I'm another who thinks you've massively overreacted here.

Some people have jobs where they sometimes need to be contacted outside of their standard hours - your DP is clearly one of them. It doesn't sound like it happens often and he didn't get in touch with work until after you got home - yet you stropped off to bed and sulked about it!

I'm sometimes contacted on my days off by junior staff - rarely - but it happens. It doesn't bother me. If me taking five minutes out of my day helps them out, then I'm more than happy to do that.

adaline · 21/12/2019 06:39

In some jobs, of course it might be necessary. But he works in a gym. I'm sure someone else there can deal with it.

OP has said several times that the gym was unmanned when the incident happened. He might "just work in a gym" but if he's a manager or a keyholder he is probably required to be contactable outside of work in case of emergency.

Where I work, for example, is just a small shop, but if the alarm goes off in the night, one of the managers or key holders has to go in and deal with it. Due to geography this tends to be our keyholder as he only lives five minutes away. It's happened maybe once in four years but it's still part of his job to do it should it happen again.

Not all jobs can be forgotten about when you walk out of the door.