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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/12/2019 01:32

My DP's always on call with work no matter what time of day. He isn't paid extra for it, it's just seen as part of the job.

Yes I find it frustrating sometimes but it's just the way his job is.

Oh and he never switches off - he's had issues before when we've been on holiday and he isn't a high earner.

YouNeedToCalmDown · 21/12/2019 01:39

So you're sulking because his job is different to yours?

You could have taken yourself off for a shower or had a cup of tea while he responded and then continued to have a nice night. Instead you have gone to the spare room and are effectively punishing/controlling him.

Biscuit
VimFuego101 · 21/12/2019 01:56

Surely there's a duty manager who is actually working, and a documented procedure that they should follow when something like this happens at the gym?

BillHadersNewWife · 21/12/2019 02:07

i never switch off from work. I'm very invested in it...I care about it. Others are not like me....but that doesn't mean they're 'right'.

Loopyloopy · 21/12/2019 02:41

I'm just concerned about him working after he's been drinking - surely that's a huge liability issue?

DonutMan · 21/12/2019 03:03

Perhaps there is a potential liability element here which requires a swift response - e.g. was the incident picked up quickly enough on the cameras? Was there a defibrillator nearby? Etc, etc.

Perhaps a few messages now might have saved him and his workmates a lot of grief in the coming weeks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2019 03:15

Good for you that you can switch off from work completely. My dh is a senior manager. He wasn’t always. He’s always been contacted out of hours or during holidays from time to time. His whole career spanning over 25 years. It really would not occur to me to be pissed off about a one off like this. Every weekend? Yes, sure.

steff13 · 21/12/2019 03:19

Unless you've been in her shoes, you can't really comment.

That sort of negates the point of the thread, then.

heartsonacake · 21/12/2019 03:30

YABU and overreacting massively.

He responded to a few texts from his work and you’ve let it ruin the evening completely by turning it into such an issue you’ve flounced to the spare room Confused Poor man.

Tetran · 21/12/2019 03:34

Such an odd and selfish response. Guessing this doesn't happen often, you're just thinking of yourself rather than your partner, get a grip Confused

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 03:36

If I’m being honest sounds quite fishy to me. Seems completely made up and like he wanted to go out...who mentioned him being at capacity for hours, was it you? I’d be curious to know what kind of gym provides a work cell phone, that doesn’t sound right either. The head office is texting him to inform him that a coworker doesn’t feel good? I’d be worried there’s someone else, this doesn’t sound logical or real. You are not being unreasonable.

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 03:36

? Her partner isn’t thinking of her or their child, and instead is prioritizing his coworker instead of his family. Get a grip yourself!

Notaregularmomacoolmom · 21/12/2019 03:39

WellISnappedandFarted — your DP doesn’t need to deal with that shit on holiday. Have him ask for a raise, no need to be on call 24/7 and not be a “high earner”

Creepster · 21/12/2019 03:53

The only thing that would make sense of their constantly trying to contact him on this matter is if the person on call for the gym is the person who needed medical attention.
Even so they should be going in themselves or calling management staff to handle emergencies.
OP, unless your H is a supervisor there is something about this that strikes me as off.

DonutMan · 21/12/2019 03:58

I’d be worried there’s someone else, this doesn’t sound logical or real. You are not being unreasonable.

He's clearly shagging the yoga instructor.

MsChatterbox · 21/12/2019 04:07

I couldn't even get mad at my husband for this, he's spent an evening out with family and is committed to his role. Some "men" spend all their free time on the computer and call in sick at any opportunity.

JeezyPeeps · 21/12/2019 04:10

If head office are messaging at 9.30pm on a Fruday needing a response, I'm guessing there is a level of urgency.

Is this something that happens a lot?

hm246 · 21/12/2019 04:11

Is he a manager in this gym? If he was a manager and an incident has happened maybe it is policy that he is told. I worked in a hotel, so obviously things happen 24/7 so if we had the police, ambulance or fire brigade out the general manager would have to be contacted. If something really serious we would have to contact the regional manager.
Like someone else has said if he is just ‘gossiping ‘ maybe he is supporting his colleagues if they have need to give first aid.

JanesKettle · 21/12/2019 04:15

You're not being unreasonable.

He's not the CEO of a multinational. He's working in a gym. They are not paying him to take an interest out of hours.

He should have been helping you get the kids sorted. Much better use of his time.

SD1978 · 21/12/2019 04:30

You haven't mentioned the role your husband has. Is he the senior manager? Is he overall responsible for the running? Is he salaried or paid by the hour? What does his contract state state regarding who is responsible for incidents after hours in the gym, when it is unamanned? If there was a major incident there- would he be expected to attend overnight ? If he's not sure, then this needs clarified. If he's happy with his pay- and there is an expectation that he is the after hours go to person- then you are being unreasonable. If he doesn't have overall responsibility, then you're not. Ultimately though if he's choosing to take this responsibility- your issue is with him- not the company employing him.

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2019 04:32

Extremely dramatic of you. Your evening is only ruined because you have acted like a childish drama llama.

That’s the reality for most people. I have always had work where I was called, 24/7, and that’s after long shifts and shifts at antisocial hours. Colleagues wanting a second opinion to chat something through or junior staff needing some assistance when others there would be tied up with something critical for a lengthily period of time or to get some reassurance. Could I claim for those hours - no. Was I sometimes ‘very merry’ - yes. That’s life. If either DH or the kids ever threw a tantrum like you have I would have booted him and read them the riot act. They knew when this occurred that it was something important that needed to be dealt with. When the kids were young DH would have just immediately taken over whatever was happening without a fuss. When the kids were older they would jump in and take over if I was in the middle of cooking for example if I signalled to them. No one chucked a tanty and went to sulk in the spare room.

anxioussue · 21/12/2019 04:35

Is he the manager?

You are overreacting to sleep in the spare room.its very drama queenish.

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/12/2019 04:36

He has been out with the kids and had 5 pints? Is this bit normal too?

Good old Mumsnet. Misses the point to pearl clutch. 🙄

PhoneLock · 21/12/2019 04:39

IMHO You are overreacting.

WorriedAboutMom · 21/12/2019 04:55

I do think men in general struggle to put firm boundaries between work and home life though. DH and I used to do the same role with the same salary but where I would deal with most of the work in work hours, he would make himself 'available' via his company phone and respond to emails instantly even on his annual leave. I refused a company phone because I immediately realised it was a means of getting me to do free work whilst impacting my home life with no benefit. I still met my performance targets and got pay rises.
I also think this is the reason why it's mostly the woman in a working couple who end up dealing with majority of childcare issues. It's about being assertive enough with your boss to set boundaries between personal time and work time without feeling it will make you look like an unprofessional/not a team player (obviously if you are in a senior role it is a different matter because it's what you sign up for).