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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
MollyButton · 21/12/2019 07:52

What did people do 20 years ago before we all had phones?

In a lot of cases people had pagers.

My son has often gone out to work at night to be the "second person" when an alarm has gone off - and he is pretty junior (it's helping a friend out, and there might be chips in it).
My husband once got called in the middle of the night as something had gone seriously wrong with a project. It was annoying, and he had to field more calls at night, and we worked out a contingency plan in case he had to go from where we were in Europe to physically be at work.

Your DH needs to set his own boundaries and work out his own priorities. Your reaction makes it sound like this is a rare occurrence - and maybe the five pints clouded his judgement so he spent longer on it than he strictly needed to?

Mummadeeze · 21/12/2019 07:56

I am a bit astounded that you would get so annoyed with him for responding to a work crisis that you would sleep in a separate room! What a shame that you ruined a nice evening. I feel sorry for your DP.

fireblue · 21/12/2019 08:02

Bloody hell OP. Just make sure he never starts up his own company. Or takes in any kind of senior / management role whatsoever. Confused
Hope you’ve calmed down this morning.

Pfefferkuchen · 21/12/2019 08:07

Blimey, most of us would never have got anywhere with an attitude like yours. If you "protected rest" in your own job, good for you. Not all industries are 9 to 5 ,mine isn't.

But you are so BU and controlling to throw a tantrum because your partner is dealing with work, it has nothing to do with you. You ruined the night for both of us, it's so childish. I feel sorry for your DH who has shit from work to deal with, and a situation at home.

tillytrotter1 · 21/12/2019 08:08

Now you know how teachers feel who get a stream of 'urgent' emails from parents and also get a lot of abuse if they're not answered within a nano-second.

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 08:10

I'm more worried about the gym company who seem to think it's acceptable to have no out of hours designated cover for emergencies and no rota or on call pay for this. Is your DH even trained in first aid?

If the gym is advertised as being staff free outside of core hours then the cost of membership reflects that. Surely if there is a medical emergency then the panic button or gym user phone an ambulance.

If his employers want him to be on call, they need to pay him for that.

Eiffel85 · 21/12/2019 08:13

Jesus H Christ.

What an overreaction. Had you had a few wines yourself OP?

speakout · 21/12/2019 08:17

My OH is like this- I don't mind.

Quite often he will have other team members phone him on his days off, to ask for help or information and he is happy to do that if it is not impacting what he is doing.
I am self employed, so we are both used to each other having work spill into personal life.

No big deal to me.

PineappleDanish · 21/12/2019 08:19

OP, you're ridiculous,

This is not the scenario of an employer being demanding and expecting ridiculous commitment at all times, or asking an employee to regularly stay late or do something way above their pay grade.

This is a one-off event, and potentially a very serious one if someone has been taken very unwell. Yes unfortunate that it's the Friday night before CHristmas, but you can't schedule illness for 10am on a Tuesday morning. They weren't asking him to go in, they were making him aware of the situation.

Lots of people have jobs where you are expected to step up when something like this happens. I used to be keyholder for a shop and was called out at 2am one morning when it flooded. DH has to take turns at being "on call" in case of a very unlikely emergency all over Christmas and New Year - 12 years in the job and he's been called once. But it still means he has to have his phone on and with him, and no booze in case he has to drop everything and go in.

It's not unreasonable and your reaction to it is totally over the top.

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 08:21

Actually thinking about it, he needs to question what they are actually expecting from him.

As he was not as work he had drunk alcohol- as he is perfectly entitled to do - so even if they had managed to catch him on the phone, his responses may not have been correct for the situation or he may have felt under pressure to drive whilst over the limit, or take a taxi to assist with the situation- which he should not have been doing under the influence of alcohol.

He really does need to speak to head office or his manager and understand what is expected and confirm that he is actually off duty when not at work. It's not comparable at all with a teacher getting messages for two reasons, firstly I would expect a teacher to be on a higher wage than a gym assistant and secondly I'm imagining that these are serious medical emergencies happening out of hours that genuinely do have to be sorted quickly.

BacktoMA · 21/12/2019 08:23

How senior is he? What is his remit?

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 08:23

What did people do 20 years ago before we all had phones?

Strange thing to say. Of course we had phones 20 years ago. We also had answering machines and pagers.

spingly · 21/12/2019 08:24

FGS, so he doesn't deal with work as you do, that doesn't mean he is wrong and you're right! You made the whole thing a lot lot worse by sleeping in the spare room, was that his punishment?

@Selfsettling3 no one is asking you to judge the DHs drinking, so not sure why you did the whole passive aggressive comment thing? Shock horror, person has five pints at a party, the whole family have a wonderful evening together.... what's the actual problem?

Bentoforthehorde · 21/12/2019 08:25

I wonder if this is one of those situations that you have to live to understand.
My DH kept his work phone on him and responded to messages/calls at all hours and it had a massive impact on our family.
It meant that he was never disconnecting from work and connecting to our family life.
He was not in a job where this was required.
So for me OP, I get it.

spingly · 21/12/2019 08:26

What did people do 20 years ago before we all had phones?

Didn't have 24 hour gyms then either!

PeanuttyButter · 21/12/2019 08:28

YABU he's invested in his work. You would be complaining if he was the opposite way and was lax about everything. If he spends so much time at work he needs to know what's happened and why. Someone has become ill, this is not usually someone feeling sick or a headache where gyms are concerns it's usually serious, have some compassion. He's not gone into work so it's not completely destroyed the evening. Your giving it the ammo to do that.

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 08:29

I'm not sure that a shop flooding call out is the same as being required to go out every time there is a medical emergency in an unmanned 24/7 gym. The shop scenario could genuinely not have been envisaged and sounds like a totally one off scenario, whereas I would think it's likely there would be medical situations in an unmanned gym out of hours , otherwise why bother having staff there during the day.

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 08:30

Laughable that you don’t seem to realize he should be equally and obviously MORE INVESTED in his CHIlD!!!

How is answering messages after 11.30 p.m. being less invested in his child, @notaregularmomacoolmom? It's not like a child old enough to be out till then needs to be put to bed by one parent, let alone two.

Throwawayteachere · 21/12/2019 08:32

I don't think that responding to a work message at 11:30 at night will have ruined the whole evening as the evening would have been almost over anyway. I don't think it makes him a fun sponge to want to help when someone is injured either.

I'm not sure the children's ages but at 11.30 at night I'd assume most children would fall asleep easily without both parents involved in bed time.

Imagine if he responded to the messages and then you carried on your evening putting the children to bed alone while he replied, and how much better that would have been for you all than putting him in the spare room and venting on Mumsnet unable to sleep becuase you were too upset.

Macandcheeseplease · 21/12/2019 08:32

Total over reaction on your part OP.

What is your DH's role? Is he the manager?

I work in a similar industry. I'm on call 24/7, that's the expectation and I don't get paid for it. On the odd occasion an incident happens out of hours then I need to respond, and so do the team of managers I have around me. That's just how it is. My husband understands this. If he kicked off about me dealing with a work issue that is part of my job I would be seriously unimpressed with him.

overnightangel · 21/12/2019 08:32

Man works hard and takes job seriously to provide for family = ‘fun sponge’ 😐
Aye ok

LIZS · 21/12/2019 08:33

It sounds like an emergency protocol that he is called when there is a problem. If he is the most senior staff member/keyholder it would be normal to call him first. However he could probably delegate any action required or they would go to next senior if there was a delay in him responding. Presumably all was resolved by the time he replied. Yabu to be so outraged over a few texts interfering with a late bedtime unless this happens frequently.

Loveislandaddict · 21/12/2019 08:43

If he is in a senior position, then he should respond. My dh regular receives and sends emails in the evening, whilst on holiday etc. Unfortunately, with emails and mobile phones, everyone is on-call now, whether they like it or not. Gone are the 9-5 days if yesteryear.

Barnseyboyo · 21/12/2019 08:43

You are overreacting and being very controlling. I’d be very pissed off with you if I was your DH

Singinghollybob · 21/12/2019 08:43

I think you've overreacted somewhat.

Maybe try being grateful your lovely evening with your DP/DC was probably a lot nicer than that of the poor member who became ill, and their DP/DC.

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