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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:30

And what emails would a junior staff member of a gym need to do at 11.30pm? My god could it be more obviously bullshit. I feel I’m a parallel universe!

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:32

So why contact him all night to do admin? Could have just sent an email the next day. No that’s no it. Why contact him when he’s not on call? Ive heard men give all this kind of crap before and they get away with it because women buy it! None of it adds up at all! It’s not nice to think he’s lying but face facts!,

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:35

@oysterbabe seriously? No employer would repeatedly bother a junior member of staff, that’s not on call, to say the would need to fill in a form. The form would also be completed by the person on call, which wasn’t op dh.

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2019 09:35

We have no idea what time the messages were sent, only that he read and responded to them at 11:30 when he put his phone on. They could have just said
This is what happened. When you're in tomorrow please can look at the CCTV and start filling in an accident form. We'll never know because OP isn't coming back.

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:39

You believe what you want but the dh wasn’t on call!! And admin isn’t an urgent matter to bother someone at night. One text each way was enough at 11.30 but he continued to text? No wonder men get away with murder when women are so gullible.

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:40

We were also told that the first message was sent two house before he read it 11.30pm. So we do know times.

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:41

The op said dh kept texting at 11.30pm.

spingly · 23/12/2019 10:31

@Sb74 take your paranoia off this thread, the IP does not think her DH is having an affair and your mad irrational earnings (over and over) are not going to change that.

Don't tar all women with the same brush! Not all women are gullible and don't tar all men with the same brush they're not all having affairs.

The OP asked for a specific read on was she being UR, not for you to talk utter nonsense and make up a non existent affair.

Are you always so distrusting? If so get some much needed counselling.

Localocal · 23/12/2019 10:31

Let the guy have whatever relationship with his job and colleagues that he wants to. Different people feel differently about this stuff and insisting he see it your way and act the way you do is very controlling. If he shut himself away for a long time when you were planning to do something together, then that would be letting you down. But if he answered a few messages out of curiosity about something that had happened in a place he feels invested in, while you put the LO to bed, I really can't see what's so bad about it. You shut off your work when you are not there. He doesn't. Neither of you needs to do it the other one's way. Give him a little respect, and a little independence.

spingly · 23/12/2019 10:42

So many typos ...

Earnings = rantings
IP=OP
Read=reason

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 11:01

@Sb74 someone falling ill isn't an admin issue Hmm

spingly · 23/12/2019 11:03

And @Sb74 who said he was jumior?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 11:05

And we don't know that his contract doesn't actually say he needs to be contactable, because who really knows the ins and outs of their OH's contract?

MarySidney · 23/12/2019 14:10

someone falling ill isn't an admin issue

There will undoubtedly be forms to fill in. Maybe a head office will need to be notified. I've had to deal with something similar in my job, and there were procedures to go through. And yes, some of it was emails which I had to deal with outside of my contracted working hours.

I should think, as pp have suggested, the original email was a 'heads up' to say 'this has happened, tomorrow we need to do this and this' and the dh was asking for clarification. Maybe he was even asking if the sick person was ok!

Equanimitas · 23/12/2019 14:17

And what emails would a junior staff member of a gym

Where does it say he's junior?

Why contact him when he’s not on call?

How do you know he wasn't on call? Many, many businesses have an informal arrangement whereby people aren't officially on call (in the sense that they have to be available at all times) but are on a rota to be contacted in the event of problems. For instance, I used to work somewhere where the nature of the work regularly meant we had to work late. If a phone call came in about something urgent that a colleague knew more about, I could phone them to see if they could help. They weren't on call, it was just more sensible than me ferreting around in the files to try to sort the issue out.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 14:37

@MarySidney I was responding to @Sb74's suggestion that they were contacting him about admin so he shouldn't have responded.

I believe we're on the same side here as I don't think DH is wrong

MarySidney · 23/12/2019 14:43

Why contact him when he’s not on call?

So he would be made aware of the situation when he looked at his email the next morning.

The person who sent the email might not have been in work the next morning, so decided to send the email before s/he went to bed, to get it off his/her mind. In a similar situation, I'd probably do the same. Not necessarily with any expectation of a reply, but rather so I wouldn't have to wake up early the next morning to do it, if it was my day off.

BackforGood · 23/12/2019 19:04

Well said @spinglying

adaline · 23/12/2019 21:42

someone falling ill isn't an admin issue

It certainly is where I work @giveherhellfromus - a customer falling ill on the premises means forms have to be filled in, witness statements taken and everything logged with managers and HR.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 24/12/2019 06:49

@adaline you're also missing the point of my comment. I was responding to @Sb74 claim that it's solely an admin issue, which is clearly isn't.
Of course there's admin involved but surely the admin wasn't the only reason he was messaging back

Crazycrazylady · 24/12/2019 23:23

Goodness I'm surprised that anyone thinks like you op any more. As a general rule dh and I both try not to answer mails etc outside of work hours but absolutely we both would expect to available in the event that something significant happened at our respective work places and tbh I would be annoyed if I wasn't contacted. Spare room is totally drama lama .

Aridane · 28/12/2019 03:26

The op and pps need to wake up to the fact that it’s suspicious and smacks of an affair

Oh goodness- what is wrong with @Sb74?!

LittleDragonGirl · 28/12/2019 17:48

@Crazycrazylady drama lama Grin 😂😂😂

Greydove28 · 28/12/2019 19:22

I find it really weird op you refuse to answer wgat role dh has at the gym. Im going tp assume he is the manager and that was why he was contacted. Btw you really overreacted and should apologise.

independentfriend · 28/12/2019 20:29

If there's a culture in the workplace where he's expected to be available like this, trying to challenge that by simply being unavailable without having thought through the potential consequences, isn't wise.

It's worth him thinking through the issue again when sober - joining a trade union would be a potentially wise move, maybe looking for another similar job with an employer he can reasonably expect to be better on this issue. Negotiating extra money for being on-call might help, particularly if there are other people who do a similar enough job that he can share being on-call, so he gets definite time off.

I don't know how reasonable it would be for him to flag to his employers in his response that he's responding to emails having been out at a party and that whilst he's provided a response now as the issue seems urgent, he will need to look at it again once he's slept [this would give an opening in case on reflection his responses have been affected by alcohol]

It's hard to tell how at risk his job would be if he didn't do the extra out of hours stuff, not knowing the industy. It seems to me reasonable he noticed this stuff after he'd got home from the party, rather than at it. 11.30pm is v late to be putting a child to bed (assuming from this terminology you have a young child rather than a teenager) so maybe reasonable for you to get on with it quickly before your child was any tireder.