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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 21/12/2019 00:33

Spare room seems a bit over dramatic.

Sometimes work happens. It’s just how it is

Janus · 21/12/2019 00:34

Oh come on, 5 pints over about 4 hours is not going to make him a hopeless case!
I would imagine it’s a bit of an emergency and needs some email contact. I don’t think I’d mind too much as long as sorted reasonably (20 mins?) quickly.

Weekday28 · 21/12/2019 00:35

It sounds like he is management though? Unfortunately that's part of work now days. Dont be cross with him

BackforGood · 21/12/2019 00:36

YABU and over dramatic.

Some of us do care about what is happening at work.
He's not going in to work - he's answering a few texts Confused

Winterwoollies · 21/12/2019 00:37

Crumbs. I think you’ve overreacted. A lot. When someone becomes ‘unwell’ at a gym, it could be a fairly major cardiac event which can often have a terrible prognosis out of hospital. I have witnessed this but fortunately the person made it. It was very frightening though and lots of people were affected. It’s hardly surprising your husband, as an employee, was contacted and interested in what happened. Think of the person who was unwell, not yourself who has been minorly inconvenienced by your husband looking at his phone.

Original poster
AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:45

The calls and emails have come through from his head office; their CCTV centre, and have requested his response/acknowledgement. Nothing to do with day to day colleagues. Upon getting home he’s seen several missed calls on his personal phone too. The issue, for me, is that this has now taken over our evening. His attention is on something that happened two hours previously, it’s put a dampener on our night, yet there’s nothing he can realistically do. I worry that his response, albeit at 11.30pm on a Friday night, sets a precedent. This doesn’t sit comfortably with me and have decided to retreat to the spare bed to rest and not be disturbed by further calls/emails and subsequent responses... it’s going well as I’m wide awake Wink

OP posts:
MaButterface · 21/12/2019 00:48

I had a team member with a wife like you. Everyone hated her and she demanded her husband to ask for a pay raise. He told me he thought she was being ridiculous. Doesnt sound like a regular occurence so chill.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 21/12/2019 00:52

I agree with you, unless he's a manager or higher then it's not his problem.
Oh & 5 pints over an evening is nothing.
Btw is your DH a manager or higher or even on call tonight?

Original poster
AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:54

Oh gosh, no chance of me asking him to get a payrise!! Not my business...!! But equally, should our ‘down-time’ be impacted by his work, in this way? Maybe the bigger issue is boundaries, I think I am lucky (despite my senior role), to have a very considerate boss and work in an industry where my time outside work is protected. Thank you for all the responses, much appreciated and it’s opened my eyes!!

OP posts:
Macca84 · 21/12/2019 00:55

I certainlywould/have responded to emails outside of work, especially if someone had come to harm. It's not too unusual to care about your job, especially when extenuating circumstances arise. I'm struggling to see why this is a big deal for you: is there anything else going on?

For those that think he's an unfit father for having five pints - alert the village elders at once!

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 00:55

But how has this taken over your evening? You were out till 11.30 and had a great time, by then the evening is over. If your DC are old enough to be out till then, surely they're old enough to get themselves to bed. When you got back he spent around half an hour on emails. It sounds as if it's not necessarily a matter of what he can do, but of getting his account of events quickly whilst they're fresh in his memory; on his side, I suspect he'd rather get it dealt with than stew about it all night.

I just can't see how or why you've let that ruin your evening to the extent you won't even stay in the same room. It's not as if you claim that he makes a habit of this.

Josette77 · 21/12/2019 00:58

YAB-massively-U. And frankly it sounds like you've put a big downer on the night than his work. You are 'livid' because he's doing his job? Sometimes things happen. You need to be flexible.

LurkingFather · 21/12/2019 01:00

I think you are right to set boundaries. He needs to learn to set his own and enforce them. No response to phone unless formally on call, no response to phone when drinking and no response to phone when out with you. That would my list of boundaries here, given the limited info we have. But you need to discuss this when both calm and not upset. Not now.

Moving into the spare bed, I can not comment upon. It seems over dramatic, but then neither of us have ever done so in so many years of marriage. Maybe it is normal for less phlegmatic people.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 21/12/2019 01:03

Well it depends on what his role is. A PT on a basic wage YANBU. A salaried manager who has a responsibility to ensure staff wellbeing and that they don't get sued YABU.

Original poster
AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 01:06

Winterwoolies, you have raised a very valid point. Of course my thoughts are with the person who has fallen ill, and their nearest and dearest. But here’s the rub, the gym is ‘unmanned’ from 9pm until 6am. But they’re open 24/7. Members can summon help from a CCTV control room, with whom they can communicate and summon assistance. I personally wouldn’t use a gym with this arrangement, I’ve seen the risks first hand. Perhaps I should accept that my DP is effectively on call at all times when staff aren’t present, but this is not in his contract and he wasn’t on call tonight. I guess my issue is one of sadness that this is seemingly how it is these days...but he decided to take on this role, it’s his job and I can either suck it up or sleep in the spare room to get some peace Wink

OP posts:
Creepster · 21/12/2019 01:13

If your H was not on call it is inappropriate for them to be contacting him to resolve an issue.
However, your H has shown you where his priorities lie. If this is a pattern of behavior you can either accept it or have a confrontation with him over it.

StoppinBy · 21/12/2019 01:16

My husband does this too, it makes me very annoyed, customers call him outside of work hours (because he hands out his phone number), often over tea time and/or bedtime.

He is not paid to work those hours so shouldn't be expected to respond to anything other than an outright emergency outside of work hours.

Aridane · 21/12/2019 01:17

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time

Bless - if only the world of work actually worked like that...

BackforGood · 21/12/2019 01:17

What @Equanimitas said.

In some jobs, it doesn't matter if someone doesn't respond until 9am on a Monday, in other jobs it does. Because your job means it doesn't matter, doesn't mean that is the case in all jobs.

Not sure how it can have ruined the evening when he didn't even pick up the calls until you'd all got in from your night out and were heading to bed.

Aridane · 21/12/2019 01:19

Why were you "livid"? He answered some emails, didn't hot foot it into the gym! Why sleep in the spare room?

Namestranger · 21/12/2019 01:19

I think you are right to set boundaries. He needs to learn to set his own and enforce them

He's DP not a lurcher puppy fgs

cheesemongery · 21/12/2019 01:24

I get over invested in my job roles, especially if there is a responsibility of call out or management. Just the need to know everything is running smoothly and to be on hand if not.

I assume you little ones aren't that young if you were out until 11.30 and 5 pints have been consumed, I imagine it's a quick jamas on and a night night.

Are you this cross because you've had a few bevvies as well?

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 01:29

However, your H has shown you where his priorities lie

Not really. If he'd dealt with all of this whilst he was out with OP so that their great evening out had to come to an end, that could show a skewed sense of priorities. But the reality is that he didn't even look at his phone till the evening was over and they were at home, when it didn't impact on anyone else. So it's a case of prioritising dealing with this over, well, bumbling around and going to bed. Not a biggie, really.

Dawny65 · 21/12/2019 01:29

My oh is a senior member of staff of a 24/7 gym, which is unmanned throughout the evening. If something happens when the gym is unmanned, which it rarely does. I would not have a problem with him responding to texts even when not on call. Even a couple of hours after the event when there is nothing he can do he would still be concerned that the gym member was ok and I would not have a problem with this. If he was regularly taking himself away from family time for non emergergency work matters then it would be an issue.

Smelborp · 21/12/2019 01:29

It sounds like the gym needs better procedures and a dedicated contact person during the night hours. It sounds quite risky. Someone could be working out alone and fall ill, or there could be a danger from other gym users. I’m surprised they allow this.