Daughter wearing boys clothes. AIBU?

[Greydove28]

My daughter (9) just told me as we were leaving for school earlier she had an xmas party and was allowed to bring in party clothes. I said to go grab some clothes quickly and stick in the bag. She grabbed an old football shirt and some jeans. I said what about all the really nice dresses and shoes? She said she is boyish and likes this. I was like ok but feel a bit embarrassed. It was the same when we went to a xmas party at the club last week. She wore an old jumper and not any of the nice new xmas jumpers or trendy clothes- jumpsuits I have bought. My partner thinks I am bu and should just let her wear what she wants. AIBU?

DD(8) is exactly the ssme. She either wears school uniform (never skirts or dresses, shorts all year£, football kit, pyjamas or jogging bottoms. Her favourite outfit is a pair of plain black jogging bottoms and an 8 year old Man City goalie shirt. I leave her be, but am secretly dreading invited to a wedding!

Whether it was a dress or jeans and a top, whether it was from the "boys" or "girls" section wouldn't bother me at all. The only thing I would be bothered about is not making a bit of effort for a special event.

I wouldn't have been happy about DC wearing an old football top, most boys make an effort too, even if it's just jeans and a plain t-shirt or polo top.

Not that it should really matter, but I do think some social conventions are fine and okay to continue. I wasn't a girly girl either and even now I rarely wear a dress or skirt. I much prefer jeans or trousers but I still make a bit more effort for an event or going for dinner etc. I expect my son's to do the same within the bounds of what they are comfortable with. DS1 will usually just wear a nicer t-shirt but Ds2 happy to put a shirt on.

The rule in our house is that clothes must be weather- and activity-appropriate (ie doesn't prevent you from doing the activity and doesn't contravene any dress codes). What your DD has chosen doesn't appear to have broken these rules? Let them whlear what they choose within those limits. They'll soon realise if it breaks a social norm (if they care. If not, 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I agree with others that you need to get your DD much more involved with clothes purchases. There is no point buying stuff she won't wear. My DD1 is very style conscious in the opposite way to yours (she won't touch anything she deems 'for boys'. The opposite of me! I prize comfort and practicality over style). I get round this by shopping online, putting everything I know she'd like that I'm also happy with into the basket, then getting her to browse the choices and get rid of anything she dislikes. So she doesn't get truly free choice as I've already filtered out anything inappropriate (or too pricey! She has expensive tastes!), but I know she'll wear everything that's bought.
My DD1 is much younger than yours OP. I can't imagine controlling her clothing as much as you have here once she's your DD's age.

I slightly disagree with you there. I think there is a difference, most of the under 10 girls I know seem to be slimmer over all and quite beanpole like, whereas the boys are broader and I think their clothes need to reflect that. See, that hasn't been my experience at all, children I've known have been much the same under 10. I have a very average boy and many brands are cut too broad for him. I think they should make all children's clothes to fit the same unisex measurements at that age, with slim fit or longer length available if there is demand for it.

To be fair, OP, 'party clothes' in the context of a school end of use party tend to just mean, "non uniform'. Plenty of mine turn up in tracksuits.

*End of year, not end of use

To be honest, I think 9-12 is a tricky age to buy clothes for them on the High Street at all. Take H&M - it’s all nylon tat with unicorns or kittens or slogans aimed at younger girls and by the age of 9 they see this stuff as babyish. Yet they’re not quite ready for the teen shops such as Brandy Melville or Urban Outfitters either because all the t-shirts seem to be crop tops and who wants their pre/teen wandering round like that?
The shop I find most mystifying is Urban Outfitters. It’s either huge Fila Trainers and hideous shell suits or other “Retro” monstrosities that you wouldn’t have been seen dead wearing even in the 80s; or its crop tops and tiny dresses that you could barely wear outside a club. I must be getting old.
Then there’s this “Brandy Melville” or the other shop, “Subdued” where everything is very very plain and I think they only have one size (size 0 basically). All the t-shirts are crop tops or absolutely massive. Nothing in between. Why??
I can quite understand why some girls may give up and wear football tops, given the offerings in the high street these days.
TopShop is very hit and miss to say the least.
Hollister is a very samey look and also it’s pitch dark in the shops.
I have two daughters who are quite girly but all the dresses are too short or skimpy on the 14 year old, even though she’s size 0 probably. Dresses aimed at 14/15 year olds fit the 11 year old better because the length is more reasonable. There needs to be more choice for girls in this age group, for sure..

Have not read the thread.... but wanted to add my twopenneth....my middle son is 10. He loves soft, fluffy, comfy fabrics. He has autism which would perhaps indicate why he likes these things but that is neither here nor there. He likes them so that's what he chooses. He also likes dressing up an dove the years has had attachments to many various dressing up outfits including a santa hat and sparkly sunglasses which he proudly trotted out in August in the middle of a small fishing village in Cornwall! He likes the clothes he like! Sometimes he looks more like a girl which I dont care a rats arse about. He also has hair past his shoulders and has been known to borrow a fluffy hairband off me when he is brushing his teeth to keep his hair out of the way!!!! In all respects he is very much a boy. Despite how he likes to dress, look like, or wear. I do wish that society could be much more accepting of what our children choose to do or look like without it being more of a girl thing or more of a boy thing. I dont know anything much about transgender or gender confusion or all that but I don k ow that to encourage our kids to be independent in their choices, to have the confidence to do what feels right for them and not to grow up following the crowd if it doesnt feel right can only be a good thing. Life is bloody difficult enough. X

@cosima1 I'm glad I'm not a preteen or teenager today, the pressure... I was just leaving teenager-hood when everyone started wearing Hollister, Jack Wills and Abercrombie and Fitch. I've always had a large chest and couldn't ever fit in any of it, and from what I hear Brandy Melvile is only one size. (According to the 12 year old next door, Hollister is "cringe" now!). I also find the cheaper shops sell things aimed at that demographic to be all pink and sparkly or have lettering on the front with odd sayings and the more expensive stores to be a lot more "grown up", there doesn't seem to be a good middle ground in most places!

I slightly disagree with you there. I think there is a difference, most of the under 10 girls I know seem to be slimmer over all and quite beanpole like, whereas the boys are broader and I think their clothes need to reflect that

My personal observation is that kids are all shapes and sizes. I have noticed puberty seems to be hitting girls earlier and earlier and quite a few kids of both sexes are quite overweight. Age about 8 my dd's class discovered that making a "smiley face" with rolls of skin/fat on their stomachs was amusing- there were only 2 kids in the year that couldn't do it as they were too slim...

I think you will do more damage if you force her.

I guess the issue is perhaps you feel she didn’t look xmassy / party ish.

Maybe you could compromise on a gender neutral party type outfit?

There is definitely a big market put there for 8 - 12 year olds who prefer slouchy clothes.
Every sports shop has skin tight leggings for track bottoms.
Like a pp mentioned h&m is all unicorns and belly tops.
New look and river island have very few pieces. Any designers out there get cracking.
I wouldn't mind the idol Ariana grande wears many slouchy bottoms and jumper dresses.
I find it very hard to get DD clothes.

YADNBU… she’s a girl and should look like one

oh do fuck off.

What "should" a girl look like anyway? My dd's manage to look like girls in jeans and a hoody, and actually don't give a fuck anyway if some ignoramus thinks they're a boy because they're wearing trousers.

I don't let my kids buy or wear "whatever" they want whenever they want. There's a time and a place for everything, they need to learn.

I am so pleased that I am not raising kids in the UK!! My daughter lives in leggings. I mean, lives. School, bed, birthdays, Christmas, and yes, funerals, and no one here (Australia) bats an eyelid.

Funny how wound up most of you are getting over kids clothes. Life isn't a fashion show. Let them be comfortable.

@pictish For the party however, I didn’t want her to rock up looking a slob and like I couldn’t be bothered to dress her well

@Greydove28 That's exactly right @pictish that's how I feel.

Then you are both projecting your own hang-ups onto your kids. I had them too when I lived in the UK, took me a long time to adapt to the more casual ways in Australia.

Don't get me wrong, my girls are clean but they wear for comfort, not for show. I don't want them thinking that they have to bow down to societies ideals.

Temple Grandin was allowed to wear jeans and cowboy shirt on the red carpet, for heaven's sake!

YABU
Sorry but you need to let her make her own choices. My dd would never choose to wear a skirt or dress and if she has to be formal she wears a jumpsuit.
She has a very eclectic style which is some form of sub-group (think emo but it isn’t). She’s so much happier now she’s found herself. Before she was trying to fit in and was not happy.
She’s much older but even at 9 she never wore skirts/dresses and I could not go shopping without her.
I don’t always like what she wears, she would look amazing in more ‘girly’ clothes but it’s her life and she’s happy. You will have to take her lead in this.

@Warmfirechocolate say that there are social codes, she’s old enough to start to understand ... she’s also young enough not to know the impact of not realizing social codes

Social codes - societies ideals on how girls should look. Focus too much on that and you start to bring in insecurities t

What impacts are there for not "realizing" them??

So basically if my child did this age 9 I’d say, fine to wear a football shirt if you want and jeans, but this is a special occasion where other people like to wear smart or special clothes, to celebrate

In other words, making her conform to society, and be sheep like.

It's a fecking class party, not a job interview!!

Opps, lost half of a sentance

Social codes - societies ideals on how girls should look. Focus too much on that and you start to bring in insecurities that can lead to self harm inc eating disorders. I know what I would rather.

The clothing isn't important- but maybe start buying her things she likes to wear- instead of what you want her to wear? If all that she can wear to events is tatty old clothes because her 'nice' ones aren't a style she likes- but what she likes. Clearly that isn't jumpsuits.

My 12 year old DD likes to dress like Vicky Pollard and Nike and Adidas look like they've been sick in her wardrobe, now that's embarrassing.
However I'm a big believer in letting them choose how they want to dress and this is her style.

My DD is 6 and I have very little influence over what she wears anymore! She needs to wear things that are appropriate, but by that I mean only to make sure she is physically comfortable - such as making sure she's dressed warmly if we'll be out in the cold or wearing the right shoes to go horse riding, etc. I do not make her wear certain things to parties, or to visit friends, although I will sometimes give an opinion. it's really important that children, particularly girls learn some elements of decision making for themselves and see the consequences of those decisions. Clothing choice is a very obvious way to give them this power!

It's a fecking class party, not a job interview!!
Yes party clothes for a school disco mean anything the child wants to wear that isn't school uniform. It's not a dress code type of occasion.

YABVU.

I only buy joggers from the “boys” section for DD as they have deep pockets and for some bizarre reason are much thicker. She lives in joggers and t shirts or yoga pants and vest tops.

Good for her. Let her wear what she wants. In my fifties- there wasn't the level of foofy expectation on girls when I was younger.

My just turned 10 year old dd wouldn't be seen dead in a dress if any type, she wears shorts to school and won't go near a skirt. Yabvu let her choose her clothes.