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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wearing boys clothes. AIBU?

258 replies

Greydove28 · 20/12/2019 11:06

My daughter (9) just told me as we were leaving for school earlier she had an xmas party and was allowed to bring in party clothes. I said to go grab some clothes quickly and stick in the bag. She grabbed an old football shirt and some jeans. I said what about all the really nice dresses and shoes? She said she is boyish and likes this. I was like ok but feel a bit embarrassed. It was the same when we went to a xmas party at the club last week. She wore an old jumper and not any of the nice new xmas jumpers or trendy clothes- jumpsuits I have bought. My partner thinks I am bu and should just let her wear what she wants. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greydove28 · 20/12/2019 14:04

That's exactly right @pictish that's how I feel.

OP posts:
veryboredtoday · 20/12/2019 14:06

My youngest DD is the same and goes for comfort over everything else.

I did put my foot down and insist she chose a) clothes that actually fit her b) did not have holes in! Other than that, I let her choose what she wanted to wear to the school disco,

laudete · 20/12/2019 14:16

YABU, those are not "boy" clothes, and I would never wear a jumpsuit. Anyway, she's only 9 years old. Until you're about 25, you can wear just about anything and look cute. When she's much older, she can worry about whether her clothes are clean/scruffy/appropriate for work.

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2019 14:17

My daughter is the exact same. Now I let her choose her own clothes.

pictish · 20/12/2019 14:18

It’s also worth adding that boys’ clothing ranges are not a good fit on my daughter because she’s a pear shape. Girls’ ranges simply fit better.
It’s a shame there is such an insistence with the pink and glittery. It’s off-putting for my dd. Shopping for clothes is a bit of a nightmare with her.

Armadillostoes · 20/12/2019 14:20

YABVVU-Why on Earth are you conflating two different issues? Dressing in a "boyish" way and being scruffy. It is 100% fair enough to expect her to be smart on certain occasions, but equating that to being feminine is awful.

On the upside your DD sounds amazing. So many children are obsessed with grooming (due to societal pressures) it is great that she is her own person.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/12/2019 14:23

comfort over frills? a girl after my own heart, good for her

partyhatsoff · 20/12/2019 14:34

YABU, she's old enough to wear what she likes and if it's 'boys' clothes then at least you know she'll be warm, dry and able to run, jump, play etc. in them...

PineappleDanish · 20/12/2019 14:34

This cannot be real, can it? Can a parent really be so dim?

OP it's your job as a parent to make your daughter secure in her own skin and a happy, well-adjusted individual. At the moment you're just trying to shoe-horn her into your idea of "girly".

Big fat parenting fail, OP.

partyhatsoff · 20/12/2019 14:35

On the jumpsuit front, yeah they're trendy but a hassle for a 9 year old to go to the toilet... maybe she can't be arsed with the fuss?

golfbuggy · 20/12/2019 14:36

"Party clothes" for a school party just means wear what you want. It doesn't mean "dress up smartly".

There will be loads of others wearing jeans and a top. No one will think anything of it.

DoIhavetobejolly · 20/12/2019 14:38

@pictish I can imagine that is frustrating. If you can afford it, could you get stuff online from Continental and Scandinavian shops? I find their childrens' ranges tend to be plainer so it might be more in line with your daughters taste.

It does mean not being able to try stuff on which is a pain.

WeirdCatLady · 20/12/2019 14:38

I haven’t seen my dds legs since she was about 6 Xmas Grin
She is 18 now and wears only men’s clothes, mind you she’s 5’11 so women’s clothes tend to come up short anyway.

Let your dd be herself. Whatever she wants to wear is fine. Dd came to my degree graduation in jeans, men’s dinner jacket and bow tie. She looked amazing!

diddl · 20/12/2019 14:38

Was the taking in of party clothes optional?

I sort of see what you're saying about a football shirt & jeans.

On the other hand, she's 9-why does she need to dress up for a school party?

partyhatsoff · 20/12/2019 14:39

My DD, 8, is going through a no dresses, leggings, sports gear and jumpers only phase. Her BF is going through a 'want to look like Little Mix' phase with crop tops, short skits, bare legs in winter, 'heels' etc.
I know which I'd rather my daughter was going through in the middle of winter...

LolaSmiles · 20/12/2019 14:39

There's a difference between someone not dressing in a stereotypical girly way for parties and being scruffy.

The real issue is if she's going to parties and events that are normally smarter looking a bit scruffy and wearing her more casual or worn playing out clothes, not that she doesn't want to get dolled up.

It's totally possible for a non girly girl to look smart for a party in leggings and a jumper or jeans and a jumper.

AdriannaP · 20/12/2019 14:52

They are not boys clothes just clothes.
If she is happy, let her wear what she wants! YABVU

Hithere2 · 20/12/2019 14:53

Op,

You are very controlling.
How dd wants to dress (as long as it is age and season appropriate) dos not reflect on you whatsoever.

I bet you are also controlling in many other aspects of your dd's life.

Let her be who she wants to be. She is her own person.

bluebluezoo · 20/12/2019 14:55

nice new xmas jumpers or trendy clothes- jumpsuits I have bought

Are you my mother?

Thing is- her idea of “trendy” was not what I or my peer group liked. Her versions were also “off”- a there is a massive, massive difference between an m&s item and the same topshop item. Plus my mother thought she was “classy and smart” a not the look a young teen is going for.

Personally i think a lot of kids ”dressed up” would look far better in jeans and a hoodie, minus the slap and eyebrows.

I constantly have this battle still with my mum “you’re not letting them go out like that?”. Yes i am.

Fwiw i now have no self confidence with clothes so now default to jeans and a hoodie. Constantly being told what i’m wearing is not “nice enough” can do that to you....

wellthatwasthat · 20/12/2019 14:56

Let her wear what she likes and feels right in.

I was literally forced to wear a hideous party dress when I was a kid, it had ruffles, bows, taffeta, you name it and I hated it with a passion. DM was handy with a needle and thread and kept taking the thing out and lengthening it so I had to suffer for about three years before I finally grew completely out of the blue bastard.

Warmfirechocolate · 20/12/2019 14:57

I think it’s okay to still be a parent and say that there are social codes, she’s old enough to start to understand, what she does about them is going to start to be more her choice as she grows however she’s also young enough not to know the impact of not realizing social codes.

I’m not talking about the boy girl thing - more the dress up thing. It does help for our children to be aware of social expectations. And why they are there.

So basically if my child did this age 9 I’d say, fine to wear a football shirt if you want and jeans, but this is a special occasion where other people like to wear smart or special clothes, to celebrate. It’s different from doing things every day and that’s why we dress a bit special. I’d say okay what about a nice football shirt and smart jeans? Just something that you wouldn’t always wear every day or for a run around?

If my child was totally adamant I would just let them go though without much fuss.

SparrowSG · 20/12/2019 14:59

One of my not so nice memories from my childhood is the many hours spent crying in shops over clothes that were forced on me. Please let your child wear what they want.

Echobelly · 20/12/2019 15:04

DH's niece is like this. She just wants to wear joggers/jeans and t shirts/fleeces passed down from her brother (much to MIL's chagrin!) Maybe if you don't like her looking scruffy get her some 'nicer' clothes she might like for parties - chinos, a shirt - if she might like to look smart but not girly.

My DD likes pretty unisex stuff most of the time casually, but still likes dresses for parties - it takes all sorts.

Original poster
Greydove28 · 20/12/2019 15:06

Apart from the odd comment insulting me, this thread has been very helpful. Thanks all.

OP posts:
lifeisgoodagain · 20/12/2019 15:09

Let her choose clothes within reason . Kids know what they like

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