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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wearing boys clothes. AIBU?

258 replies

Greydove28 · 20/12/2019 11:06

My daughter (9) just told me as we were leaving for school earlier she had an xmas party and was allowed to bring in party clothes. I said to go grab some clothes quickly and stick in the bag. She grabbed an old football shirt and some jeans. I said what about all the really nice dresses and shoes? She said she is boyish and likes this. I was like ok but feel a bit embarrassed. It was the same when we went to a xmas party at the club last week. She wore an old jumper and not any of the nice new xmas jumpers or trendy clothes- jumpsuits I have bought. My partner thinks I am bu and should just let her wear what she wants. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bunney2020 · 20/12/2019 15:16

I think as l the clothes are clean and presentable (not dirty, ironed, no holes / marks etc) then she is fine. But there is a middle ground between "scruff" and "dresses". Skinny jeans, a basic long sleeved t shire and a waistcoat would look smart but not girly. Cords and a shirt / slouchy blazer / tweed jacket. Hareem trousers and a vest top / cardigan if cold. All of these could be worn with converse or sandals or anything she feels comfy in.

Might be worth exploring a style with her IF (AND ONLY IF) she is interested in it. Make a fun activity out of it print some 'masculine' outfits out and girly out fits and mix and match etc. Or do some shopping so she can get some new outfits. It could be a bonding experience if you approach it right.

FriedasCarLoad · 20/12/2019 15:18

I totally understand your frustration, but she needs to have some autonomy in this.

I think you'd be right to overrule if it were a wedding or other formal occasion.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 20/12/2019 15:22

As for those saying clothes are just clothes how quickly would you be on the trans support topics if you found your husband/partner at home in a dress.

My partner is Scottish and often seen in a skirt.

And he was wearing fishnets tights under ripped jeans and eye liner the day I met him, and had long hair until he went bald.

That's all fine.

If he pretended any of this made him a 'woman' I'd ditch him in a heartbeat though.

Hithere2 · 20/12/2019 15:27

Clothes are just clothes
Activities are just activities
Sports, toys, hobbies, books, etc... are just that.

No need to separate them in genders.
We are people first, not male or female

FaFoutis · 20/12/2019 15:31

I think I might fancy your husband Arnold.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 20/12/2019 15:38

He was very beautiful in his youth, FaFoutis.

More, um, 'cuddly' these days Grin

Tighnabruaich · 20/12/2019 15:42

I can see how you don't want her to look scruffy if everyone else is smart. Perhaps, if she doesn't want a dress, she might like a kind of 'tux' outfit? Black trousers, black jacket and maybe a white blouse underneath?

Fr0g · 20/12/2019 15:42

bit older, but from age 11 I was given a clothes allowance and I bought or made my own clothes.
Would have hated being forced to wear frilly dresses; I think that stopped at around 6.

doritosdip · 20/12/2019 15:47

9 is a typical age to have an opinion on fashion. If she wants to be comfortable then you should facilitate that by buying jeans and tracksuits over dresses and jumpsuits and if she has long hair then something shorter so there is less time needed for grooming.

There's nothing wrong with a girl wearing football shirts and jeans. It doesn't mean she's boyish- she just likes what she likes and shouldn't be forced to conform to what you think a girl should be like.

Party day at primary doesn't necessarily mean dresses and smart - many kids will just be in mufti.

It doesn't matter that your dd is more JD Sports than River Island

BeanTownNancy · 20/12/2019 15:47

If it were my child I would take them shopping myself to pick out some "smart clothes" that they would wear. One does need to learn how to dress appropriately for the workplace, for example. So I would take them and say "a shirt and smart trousers, a dress or a top and a skirt" and let them choose. Maybe they would choose a nice shirt and not a dress, but that's OK.

Big difference IMO between kid refusing to dress smart when asked and a girl who wants to wear masculine clothing. The latter wouldn't bother me, but the former is a skill to learn.

ViciousJackdaw · 20/12/2019 15:48

Don't worry love, she won't catch the trans.

Elvesdontdomagic · 20/12/2019 15:52

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable just short sighted! At 9 she is entering into the tween years and starting to make her own clothes choices etc. She's not little anymore!

I must admit I wouldn't like the football shirt, I don't like them on boys either! It's not our choice though as they get older sadly!

It's fair that you insist on clean and smart but you have to let her decide her clothes these days. My eldest wouldn't have been seen dead in a dress at 9.

Researcher97 · 20/12/2019 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lweji · 20/12/2019 15:57

@Researcher97

Why would you think this is the right place to post that, even if it wasn't spam? Ffs

supersop60 · 20/12/2019 15:57

Researcher97
Start your own thread.

Marriedtoapenguin · 20/12/2019 15:59

What? Association Football clothing? Whatever next, the vote for women?

CloudyVanilla · 20/12/2019 16:03

Oh I was hoping your AIBU would be "AIBU to be annoyed that people comment on DDs clothes when she is happy and comfortable"; sad to hear you are the one criticising :(

Please let her be comfortable and secure. I was like this and actually have grown into a very "girly" woman who loves dressing up and makeup. It is really best to let them take their own path with this stuff.

The only influence I would have was to say that if she is trying to go somewhere formal dressed very scruffily. But I'd be offering to e.g. buy her a nice new football top rather than getting her to wear something completely different.

pinboard · 20/12/2019 16:19

Well, my DD is ASD so getting her out at ALL is an issue, but...

as long as she is clean, and her clothes are clean, it's HER choice

she will find her own way and needs space and support to do so

Silvercatowner · 20/12/2019 16:21

Omigod she's going to be gay. Or trans.

Noooooooooooooooo

ShinyGiratina · 20/12/2019 16:22

My 9yo is very sensory and I ended up following his lead on clothes many, many years ago. At 2.5 his preferences began to emerge.

Because he is particular, we do often end up with "girls" items. There is much less choice in soft, fluffy "boys" items, and if he needs shorts from September-April, he does sometimes end up with the "girls" cut. He's not in dresses, pink or sparkles, but there are sometimes a pink trim such as a zip or stitching. Sometimes shoulder length hair perplexes people, but then if he was a girl with the same style that wouldn't be feminine and long either Hmm

Anatomically, there should be no difference in cut for childrens clothes for about age 10 and under, and there wasn't in the more androgenous 80s and 90s, but many "girls" clothes are cut tighter and shorter so I can't begrudge a girl finding "boys" clothes more comfortabe than "girls"

Clothes should be comfortable, and a child should have a selection avaliable for a range of occasions. Sports clothes are fine for school parties/ activity parties. Some smarter, loose cut trousers and shirts might be better for more smart occasions. In the absence of very formal occasions "boys" clothes rarely go more formal than that.

I don't blame girls that prefer the more practical, relaxed cut of "boys" clothes. Many women do need a "women's" cut due to body shape, but there are many women who wear more unisex items and rarely wear clothing that is "feminine" (skirts, dresses, tights...)

Micah · 20/12/2019 16:23

Maybe if you don't like her looking scruffy get her some 'nicer' clothes she might like for parties - chinos, a shirt - if she might like to look smart but not girly

Chinos and a shirt? Really? For parties? A job interview or workwear possibly...

Every party i have ever been to since i was a teen jeans and a suitable top have been more than appropriate. Sparkly top if you’re feeling a bit extra, fitted tee, strappy top, whatever your style is if not.

DoIhavetobejolly · 20/12/2019 16:35

Anatomically, there should be no difference in cut for childrens clothes for about age 10 and under.

I slightly disagree with you there. I think there is a difference, most of the under 10 girls I know seem to be slimmer over all and quite beanpole like, whereas the boys are broader and I think their clothes need to reflect that.

I do agree that girls clothes shouldn't only have to choose from tight cuts.

I think it's frustrating that there aren't more choices. The boys stuff is generally very dower and the girls stuff very 'girly'. There is nothing wrong with either of those things up to a point, because some children have that sort of taste, but it would be nice if there was more choice for children who don't lean that way and have different taste.

HelpIcantfindaname · 20/12/2019 16:38

My DD11 is similar. She hasnt worn dresses or skirts for years...its usually tshirts/sweatshirts & joggers/jeans & trainers. No pink to be seen. She does like her earrings though & is starting to take more interest in her hair. In summer she wears boys school shorts as part of her school uniform.
The only time we have really disagreed is when we were filling in the school choices for secondary & she didnt want me to put the best school first as they have to wear skirts . (I still put it first....if she gets in she will just have to wear a skirt.)

lovepickledlimes · 20/12/2019 16:52

I get that she is a none girly girl but there is space for compromise. Would she be happy in jeans and a uni sex top or jumper? like if she likes more casual baggy clothes maybe a over sized jumper over some jeggins or jeans. A smart casual look for parties?

powershowerforanhour · 20/12/2019 16:54

In Ireland you often see a few girls of all ages at all sorts of events, bar the likes of funerals, in GAA (Gaelic football/camogie) tops. Getting waves of nostalgia for my youth now. At nine I think we were still all wearing Fruit of the Loom sweatshirts and jeans. A bit older, Levis, a navy GAP or ellesse hoodie and dark blue Kickers with white laces were in for a while. Then combats with Skechers and a vest top. There was a long phase for ripped jeans where nearly any pair you could buy was "distressed" to the point where it looked like they'd been through a shredder. Pink rugby shirts with with collar turned up were in for a while. There was always a small tribe of goth/emo types too. Ah those were the days.