Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

Buttery muffin- he does value it, he's around much more than most dads I think. We have a cuddle with the DCs in the morning and he's normally home before bed. He does put our eldest to bed.

He has a big breakfast because he has an issue where he needs to watch what he eats/drinks or he gets a funny feeling. He struggles in the mornings. But in general I feel he does prioritise himself over the kids needs, yes.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're not his servant. He can sort his own crap out and contribute to the household.

Most of the comments on her are just bitter jealousy. Women really do tend to hate other women.

If you were working full time as a maths teacher I GUARANTEE that you would also be doing household crap.

Teaching is basically looking after children. Why is he looking after children more tiring and important than you're looking after children.

I also roll my eyes when men say how hard there full time job is. I have worked with many men who have full time jobs. Very few of them actually work that hard. CEO of a multination? Heart surgeon? Long distance lorry driver. For sure. Teacher? Come on. That doesn't excuse you to check out from all household responsibilities.

I think you're getting a really hard time OP. I was in a similar situation to you (although no cleaner).4 dc with one at home studying for a masters.My dh will pull his weight but it's not natural for him. He just doesn't seem to have the ability to think about those things (or choses not too). I am working now (pt 28 hours mostly school hours ) and it is still something we argue about although he doesn't have the same attitude as your dh.
What about when you start working? What will your dh do then?

Also, can I just point out, that if being a SAHP isn't what you wanted - then you're not going to feel very 'lucky' being one.

It's interesting you said you feel unappreciated, he says he feels unappreciated. That's a good start to the conversation. Can you both name three things you appreciate that the other one brings to the table, and how they make your life better/easier? Can you both name three things that would make you feel more appreciated if the other did or said them? What is one thing that you would like the other person not to do again?

How does he see things changing when you go back to work? Will he be pleased to have the burden/stress of being the sole breadwinner lessened? What is he prepared to do more of when you go back to work?

I’m split here but coming down on YABU.

I think it comes down to a need for equal leisure time and mutual respect.

You are a SAHM with children at school, a cleaner and a dishwasher. You have a lot of leisure time with the kids at school so should therefore be doing the vast majority of chores, if not all.

I see some people have referred to jobs that can only be done at night but I don’t fully agree. You can tidy up as you go along ( one toy in, one out for example), my nearly four year old loves to help clean up the kitchen with her little cloth as I’m washing up, she helps me sort washing into piles etc... you don’t have to leave the house a tip just because the kids are there.

You should be working (including looking after the kids and doing chores) for an equal amount of time that your DH is out at work. And I’m afraid I dont see that as just taking the kids to fun things. You shouldn’t have done baking unless you (including the kids) had time to tidy up after yourselves.

Whatever is left to do ( if anything) should be split equally. This would leave you with equal leisure time.

This core principle should apply throughout changes in circumstances ie when you go back to work, obviously he will have to pick up more (but I’d say still not half if you’re only planning PT). Same in the holidays vs school time - there may need to be an adjustment.

However, your DH attitude is also unreasonable. There is no reason he can’t put his rubbish in the bin, pick up after himself as he goes along etc. He shouldn’t be creating more unnecessary work for you.

You’re not really arguing over washing up. I’d suggest sitting down and working out how to split chores so that you get equal leisure time, even if this is nightly as he gets in from work you can divide what’s left each day. But I do think you might have to accept you need to pull your finger out a bit from the sounds of it...

Quite why posters have decided to go on the attack, op, I have no idea. Deeply unpleasant behaviour.

I hope it leads to a job as a SENCo or a dyslexia assessor but we will see.

Are you a teacher?

I looked into the L7 AMBDA dyslexia assessor qualification but I felt that there simply wasn’t the work around at the end of it to warrant doing the course. I’d have to be freelance and schools simply don’t have the money to pay for assessments and parents often don’t either.

To be a senco-which I’ve been doing for years-you’d need the NASENCo which is quite a different course, but you’d also need to be an experienced teacher. Be aware also that whilst there are a lot of schools out there, each one only has 1 senco, so jobs tend not to come up very often and are often linked to SLT, so would often be assistant/deputy head roles as well.

So he puts eldest to bed, cooks, works full time and pays for a cleaner to save you doing it. He is also funding your study. You only study term time so have holidays off with the dcs. Honestly thats a breeze. He should as I said be tidying up after himself leaving his stuff lying around isnt great but other than that I dont think you have it too bad tbh.

His attitude is unappreciative. But, your a SAHM & have a cleaner & a dishwasher: so your chore 'load' isn't that bad as many womens to me. If you're making extra washing up doing Mince pies I think you should wash up. And you should wash up anything else you do when he's not around.

DH just goes to work and comes home.

Sort of massively devaluing the ten hours a day between going and coming home there aren't you?

I think he probably feels pretty undervalued too to be honest.

So those of you who are calling YABU genuinely have no problem with dirty plates dumped where last used and piles of clean clothes left lying for days? Some simple consideration would be nice from the husband. I’m with you OP.

Jesus wept - its like feminism has never happened.

You should be weeping with joy that he has used HIS money to buy you a dishwasher. And thanking your lucky stars he has used HIS money to pay for someone to do YOUR job of cleaning the toilets.

I guarantee you that if you were the one working full time as a teacher and this thread was about your stay at home husband asking you to do the dishes the bitter vipers on this thread would be pulling you to shreds.

He works as a teacher. He is perfectly capable of washing up dishes.

He should do something to contribute in the house. Maybe he's sick of the dishes though and would rather mix it up and do something else for a bit. Dishes on your own every night would be depressing, I think.

I'm not saying he shouldn't do some stuff around the house obviously. Especially things like putting his clothes in the laundry basket etc, agree it's not on if he doesn't do stuff like that.

My point is that the way OP speaks about him devalues his contribution to the family.

Saying he "just" goes to work and comes home - work has a mental load just like parenting. It's not a case of one being more or less hard, both have challenges. Especially being the sole earner currently, that is a stress in itself.

But if the OP wants to complain about feeling undervalued then I think she should look at her own behaviour towards him too.

I'm calling bullshit on a teacher who doesn't start until 9.30.

Maybe he's sick of the dishes though and would rather mix it up and do something else for a bit. Dishes on your own every night would be depressing, I think.

Totally. OP you are failing in your duty of making household chores more fun for your husband. Add that to your To Do list.

Jesus wept.

I'm calling bullshit on a teacher who doesn't start until 9.30.

I would, too!

Did the OP say he was a teacher-I missed that?

Bollocks to the feminism argument in this case i'm afraid. These are two grown adults with a cleaner and a dishwasher. NEITHER of them ought to be doing much in the way of washing up in any given week, let alone daily.

If the main argument was about him leaving plates and cups out instead of putting them in the dishwasher then i'd be with you 100% but it sounds like you're both making little jobs that need keeping on top of into big jobs that need doing at the end of the day when you're all shattered and then arguing about it.

My view on this is that you should take on 'work' during his working hours. All chores/childcare outside that time is shared. So if you can do the shopping/cooking/washing-up during his 9-6 job, you should. The flip side is that any remaining childcare / chores that can't be done in that time (stuff which has to be done in mornings/evenings and at weekends - e.g. getting kids ready for school, bath/bedtime, cooking and washing up on weekends) should be split.

But it's complicated due to you needing that 'working' time for study. Does he feel pressure because he's the only person earning now? Although if you weren't bringing in much money before, he should understand the rationale.

I guess it comes down to a disagreement over whether your study counts as 'work' or 'hobby'.

Did the OP say he was a teacher-I missed that?

I don’t actually think she did

We all have our red lines. Mine is that I won't be the only person in our household who cleans a toilet.

Saying that, I think 'one cooks, one washes up' should not apply to breakfast, lunch and baking things, which should be dealt with separately. No wonder it piles up and no one wants to do it. I'm not saying you should but it's more likely your task as you are home.

He's unreasonable, disrespectful and petty. You ask very little of him around the house and he won't even do it. It's more of a respect thing and him expecting you to do everything. Plus you may be a SAHP but you are also doing a masters. When did SAHP mean slave anyway?! As you have said when you go back to work he will need to do more -by the sounds of it he will fight this but lm sure he won't mind you earning a salary 🙄

I'm always fascinated by people with children who get to lie in that late. I have no children but don't get to do that on a work day!!!

I'm also curious about how many people on here have actually done masters and know how much commitment they are. I'm also wondering how much of the negative comments on here are due to jealousy? "Choosing to use her free time to study" is it really that bad to want to improve your employment prospects? It doesnt sound like she's doing it for fun and it will help the whole household long-term

I'm also curious about how many people on here have actually done masters and know how much commitment they are. I'm also wondering how much of the negative comments on here are due to jealousy? "Choosing to use her free time to study" is it really that bad to want to improve your employment prospects? It doesnt sound like she's doing it for fun and it will help the whole household long-term

I’m just curious as this is the area which I work and I am dubious as to whether this is a particularly good career move that will benefit the household.

I dont see her as using her free time to study. As a SAHM I would say when the kids are at school is the time you do the bulk of the household chores so you have free time to spend with the dcs after school. OP could equally use the time to be working and earning. She isn't and this is facilitated by her DH being the sole wage earner.
Of course that doesnt mean she should be a slave and he should pick up after himself but you can argue his share of the housework is being done by a cleaner that he is paying for.

My DH is a SAHD when I’m not on maternity leave (as I am now)
I work 50+ hours per week and my DH did everything except from cook evening dinner every day, he does maybe once per week. He’s a SAHD that is his job! He manages the household. I make sure I don’t make too much mess and when I have days off I help and clean the bathroom and walk the dog etc but mostly, that’s his contribution and that’s his choice.

Now I’m on maternity leave I do all the household jobs and cook (I like cooking) and he works full time. I don’t expect him to be at work all day and then run chores.

You should be colleagues. If you both work you divide household jobs, if you don’t then you do it and he should help as and when he can.