Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

It's a respect thing. If people are in a rush on the odd occasion and don't put their cup in the dishwasher, okay. But if it's a regular thing, and they're just leaving dishes lying around with no effort made to dipose of them correctly, letting their dirty laundry pile up in a corner of their room, it's basically like having a middle finger extended to you. It is like treating you like staff, or a servant.

I'm a SAHP. I'm not a servant, I'm not staff, and DH is not my boss. People are expected to clean up after themselves at this basic level, rather than expecting me to do their dirty work.

When I say you’re colleagues, I mean he’s not your boss and you’re not competitors in the game of “who is most lazy”... you’re a team working for a common goal.
He earns physical money and you save yourselves money. If I look at the breakdown of what I do now at home:
5 hours cleaning per week: £50
Ready meals and lunches out per week: £100
Dog walking per week: £50
Child care: £250 per week

So I still contribute £450 per week of household help. That is my “wage”. If I’m not doing it then I’m not contributing as much as I could to our team?

So to answer some messages. DH is not a teacher, the thought would make him laugh! His also doesn't work 10 hours, he works 8/9 hours normally.

The washing up is not a chore whilst he's not there to do it, that's why we argue over it rather than any other chore really. He lies in bed in the morning or sits and watches TV in the evening when he should be doing and then runs out of time to do it.

I do 99% of the other chores, including dcs and other responsibilities, finances and admin. All social arrangements.

I want him to put the bins out once a week, wash up in the morning/evening, put clothes away and tidy up after himself. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Interesting that I should be doing the same amount of working hours he does a day. It's hard to tally them up. I get up an hour and a half before him every weekday. If I think of it like that it does give me another perspective.

I personally will count my masters study as work, that takes all school hours up so I am doing the other chores outside of those hours.

I do study in the holidays, I have to as I have deadlines. I do that in the evenings, it's impossible to do it whilst my youngest is here, she doesn't give me 5 mins.

Nz- I have taken a screenshot of your advice. Thanks so much for your understanding and kind words. I think I will bring it up with DH after Xmas. The trouble is we have lots of conversations about things and I think we have agreed on something but then he simply goes back on it when it's something he doesn't agree to, there is no compromise with him.

I am letting all attacks completely go over my head and I am completely uneffected by then. Don't worry about them upsetting me.

With reference to the conversations and agreements, but then it's 'forgotten' or 'refuted' - a work technique that can work with this is sending an email detailing what was said and agreed and both parties emailing agreeing that was so.

Compromise - there's usually pain on both sides. You won't get all you want, he won't get all he wants. What you do want, is mutual respect and understanding.

I hope you guys manage to have a good Christmas. Try doing the dishes together with a glass or two in tow, it's a lot more fun!

So to answer some messages.

Can you answer mine? Are you a teacher?

I hope it's a good move career wise but I can't answer that until I have done it. I hope it does considering how much it costs.

I know people who have completed the course, they are dyslexic assessors and have work coming out their ears. We have a SEN centre in our region and several universities which would use this service. My work would be private. We live in an area where parents generally could afford to pay for an assessment privately.

Mmm yes I might struggle with SENCO, I have a lot of experience in the profession but my CV is very bitty and I will struggle for references.

Many of the people who do my course go on to deliver private tutoring, lecture or do training courses, tutor within schools.

I hope I will be ok, but is a leap of faith. Negative comments about it are not helping.

I personally am finding the course very demanding

I don’t understand what all these things are that can't go in the dshwasher! If mine is full after dinner and I have pans left they just go in next time after the first load is done.

I literally have to do all the thinking for DH, I do all the organising and social events. He just turns up, he asks me everything even though it's in the diary.

This is the very definition of wifework. Just stop doing this.

I do all the organising and social events. He just turns up, he asks me everything even though it's in the diary

Be deliberately vague and unhelpful-reply saying no/I don’t know/look at the diary/I can’t remember.

Hang on- one of your major jobs you said your did was putting the kids to bed ALL BY YOURSELF!! Now you’re saying he does in fact put your eldest to bed!! So on top of earning every single penny for your household, paying for a cleaner so you can spend the day fannying around studying for unnecessary qualifications and baking mince pies while your kids are at school, he is actually doing household chores on top of it!! Talk about first fuckin world problems. ‘I have it too hard sat on my arse all day while my husband works and won’t clean up after me when he gets home’ 😂😂

yes rach my life is exactly like that. I can't even take your post seriously

Fedup- yes I do that now. I ask him to look at the diary or ask why I would know where his slippers, car keys, xyz are

Sorry, first post meant for Raph. Your post made me laugh out loud.

You can't claim your masters is to improve family life and then say it's a leap of faith.

You can't claim he does nothing and stays in bed until 9:30am and then say he does bedtime and cooks a big breakfast every day.

You can't claim to have no free time and then say your part time degree takes up ALL of it.

I agree with you when he cooks breakfast he should tidy. If you do mornings with the kids, tidy up after them. It takes 30 seconds to put two bowls and spoons in the dishwasher. Then you can just agree the kitchen is left in the same condition as it's found.
It's much easier to justify leaving a mess if there's already a mess there.

I’m with your DH. He’s financing the household as the sole worker/earner and having to make financial sacrifices so that you can study when not even sure it will led to actual work.

A man would be roasted alive in here if he didn’t work and had a cleaner yet expected his wife to wash up after work when he had been home all day.

You can't claim your masters is to improve family life and then say it's a leap of faith.

In that case the OP's husband should treat every optional training, work networking and non essential task as leisure time as they could equally be seen as "a leap of faith".

FFS.

OP's previous job is now unmanageable because she has to work around having children. Presumably her husband hasn't considered adapting his job or career in a similar fashion.

Either appreciate your position of choosing to not work (you said you only ever plan to go back part time) or go back to work full time and take on equal financial responsibility for your family.
It is very 1950s to live as you do. It is difficult to sympathise with your demands when you are a SAHM of school age children and you have dishwasher and cleaner.
It is a luxury to do a Masters and be financially supported while you are studying. I did my Masters (education) and worked full time (children at secondary). To be honest, I was so busy with everything that I didn't notice whether my husband or I did domestic jobs as long as they got done. It helped us all pull together as a team, children included.

Of course he should wash up.

Because he's an adult and he has time and he loves you and should support you and it's important to you that he helps and you've told him so.

Of course he should do the feckin washing up.

It makes me sigh that people think otherwise.

I work part time , DP works full time , and although my financial share is greater I do most of the household things simply because it's fairer , loading and unloading the dishwasher and washing machine really isn't hard work , soaking a few pans for an hour before a quick wash and dry isn't a killer either

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea if DH was doing a training course at work it'd be related to his job, not in an area of expertise that he hasn't previously had any experience in. He also wouldn't be taking 18 months out to do it.

OP has openly said that she stopped the previous job because opportunities had dried up. It's nothing to do with the fact she had kids because she continued working in that field after having kids. She's just been unfortunate in that aspect. It's nothing to do with sacrificing for her family. It was bad luck.

Mmm yes I might struggle with SENCO, I have a lot of experience in the profession but my CV is very bitty and I will struggle for references.

You have a lot of experience in the profession? Are you a teacher-did you answer this?

Just to add, presumably OP was freelance so she could pick and choose her hours, even before kids, so going back part time also isn't a decision for the family, it's because that's what she wants to do.

And if her DH is ok with that then fair play to her, but it does mean other things will naturally fall to her.

I hope I will be ok, but is a leap of faith. Negative comments about it are not helping.

I hope that isn’t directed at me. I do have some experience in this field which is why I’m asking the questions I have.

Yes unexpected, that's right. I have to fit my career around the dcs which is something DH has never had to do. I have to be flexible as he has his own business so hours can be sporadic. I can't rely on him to do school runs regularly.

It is a leap of faith as I have worked in one area for the past 15 years plus, until 2 years ago, and I am now retraining when in my late 30s. It's a risk and therefore is a leap of faith. It's taken a lot for me to do it, my confidence was knocked in my industry and I stayed in it for years as I wasn't sure what else to do and it fitted around the dcs. I am lucky to be able to study without working but it's taken years to get here, I can only do it now my youngest is at school and we have no childcare costs. I had to stick it out in a job I hated for years before I could find something else which is viable for me to do. I haven't just left my job on a whim because I fancy not working and decided to be a SAHM and do nothing as others are suggesting. Again, it's taken us 15 years plus to get into a situation where we can finally just about afford for me not to be earning. It was simply not possible a few years ago. At one point I was earning £20 a day after childcare costs for two Pre-schoolers so it's not been a bed of roses. So many of you are making out our lives to be something they aren't.

Well I did the washing up in the end and admitted I was wrong about the baking things. But I did say to DH that I don't think I should be doing the washing up whilst he has a lie in. Fair enough if he's working long hours, I do it without complaint but not when he's in the house and could be doing it himself but is choosing not to. We ve left it now but think I will use the screenshot of the advice given earlier to have another chat in the new year.

People are misunderstanding. I recognise I should do most of the chores and I do. I do 99% BUT I am not willing to do 100% of them while DH does nothing. To my mind while he is at home he can tidy up after himself and do the washing up if he gets up at a reasonable time and gets home from from a reasonable time.

For the record- I do bedtime for both dcs with no complaint regularly if DH is not home. If he is home he does the eldest bedtime or finishes it off for me while I sort our youngest out.

In this case he leaves the washing up that evening- fine. But I would like him to do it the next morning as he doesn't leave until 9.30 so has an hour and a half to himself every weekday morning.

With regards to studying for a masters, I have to disagree with most posters on here. Yes OP’s husband is supporting her financially while she does this but it is something that will financially benefit the whole family when she finds work after completing it. Comparing it to a job in Tesco is silly because that won’t give as much of a salary. So 18 months of study while being supported by her husband will be worth it in the long run. I don’t see it as a luxury but you are fortunate to not have to manage studying while also working.

With regards to the chores, the bulk of the chores should be your responsibility as you are not working (although are studying part time) and really it shouldn’t be difficult to manage with a dishwasher and cleaner. How often does your cleaner come?

Do you think you might need to manage your time better so that chores/dishes don’t add up? I say this because I didn’t used to be very organised with household tasks and left them to do “later” which would mean they pile up, take longer, i had to do them when I was tired or would leave them for tomorrow. Then I realised I could do some things as I go, or squeeze in jobs in the 5 or 10 minutes I had spare rather than go on my phone/MN!