MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

Mil and Ben
She has an allergy FFS. That's not even a choice. Does Ben and a MIL want her to be ill?

They need to make an alternative for A wife if they want to make something she's allergic to. And because it's an allergy they need to be careful.

Allergy trumps all other🤷

Also. You really can have pigs in blankets. She won't really eat them by accident. Just watch out for crosscontamination which is super easy woth them.

I can't believe there is no pork but the stuff which can actually kill someone is freely used...

MIL and Ben

She has an allergy. Her need to avoid that food is technically "greater" than for religious reasons. Not because religion isn't important but because she could actually get ill eating it. If you are going to make dietary allowances for one person, yo have to make them for everyone. Its not fair otherwise. If you dont want to make dietary alternatives then you should not do it for anyone and everyone can bring their own food.

She’s such a sweetheart and wouldn’t really grumble she’s kind of silent in her anger about it. I can see it bothers her especially since Bens wife has her dietary requirement catered too to an extreme, like no pork in the oven once it’s cleaned if they are coming over. It’s all so bizarre.

Allergies should always be accommodated and safety should be paramount.

I have little respect for self imposed dietary restrictions, but would do my best to accommodate those as well. Since there is no actual risk to the individual I would be much more relaxed about it though. If there are certain dishes that are considered essential to an event or are family tradition, I would still serve them.

Is Ben a Muslim too?

Isn’t there another very similar thread to this going on? . If I was Adam in this situation I would simply say ‘I’ll contribute a pudding’ & make something appropriate. It might not be strictly ‘fair’ if MIL is making sure there are no pork products served but honestly, what a drama over a pudding.

No Ben is not Muslim, he’s atheist. MIL is very religious (not Muslim though) and she loves a lengthy discussion with Bens wife about religion...

wtf!? Surely if you're going to accomodate anything, it's the allergy first and foremost! I would be really hurt and upset if I was Adam's wife.

@Ragwort not sure, maybe it’s one of my SILs. Oh yeah Ben kicked up a massive stink over his trifle.

I would've thought it polite to offer a suitable dessert for the lady who has allergies. There are various ready made things you could buy, or offer a selection of sorbets.
I would also think you could put a tray of pigs in blankets in the oven after everything else has been removed, so no risk of contamination. Put on a plate in the middle of the table with the rest of the food - B's wife will be perfectly ok.

allergies can kill or induce serious illnesses. you do not muck about with allergies. the whole gathering should have food without the allergens. its totally different from ethical and religious exclusions where putting on a suitable alternative (or getting them to bring their own) is reasonable.

when I gave someone with a nut allergy visiting there are no nuts in the house.

To be honest, I can kind of understand MIL's frustration as dairy, wheat and egg is an awful lot of very common food to avoid and it does limit what everyone can eat. Just avoiding pork is much less of a hardship.

But allergies can't be helped so MIL needs to get with the plan or perhaps Adam and his wife should take their turn hosting so they can ensure everything meets requirements, and maybe it will give MIL a few ideas of what she can cook in future.

Btw, Heck's chicken sausages are really lovely if you want a substitute (will need to check if they're suitable for Adam's wife though...you can already see where this gets a bit dull).

I agree, allergy trumps anything else. Your inlaws are very inconsiderate towards Adams wife. If I were Adam and his wife I simply wouldn't go to mil for dinner.

Well, I’d say at first glance that it’s very easy to just omit pork. It’s one item and it is not an item that is found in lots of foods unexpectedly.

Dairy, wheat and egg between them will be found in thousands of foods and I’d say that must be very difficult to avoid over Christmas, or in general. That said, I think that actively planning to make unnecessary stuff (pavlova and trifle) from scratch containing eggs is selfish in this scenario. Very different to serving say a store bought cheesecake where the dairy/egg is contained and not going to cause contamination.

If I was Adam/his wife, I’d not be turning up.

I'lol be honest the person with allergies would likely be getting shop bought food items to ensure I didn't kill them/send them to hospital. I would also try and find things that were ok for that person and everyone else would eat.

Why on earth would you ignore the needs of someone with an allergy

@HundredMilesAnHour

Adam and wife offered to host but MIL said her house is more suitable (it is to be fair). Agree it’s difficult to cook without all three ingredients, I plan for days when they come here and that’s just for one dinner. Her egg allergy is the main worry, the dairy and wheat would cause all sorts of bowel problems but not anaphylactic reactions.

I think the reason Adam is so annoyed is because he’s been with his wife for 11 years and her allergens were never a big deal but MIL does manage them well when cooking. Ben has been with his wife 3 years and MIL can’t do enough to accommodate them.

I think that if MIL is unable to cater to Adam's wifes allergies, and Ben isnt prepared to try, then Adam and his wife shouldn't be going for Christmas dinner. Can you offer to host Adam's family, and perhaps invite MIL and Ben's family over in the evening?

MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why

She’s right. It’s not the same thing at all. Avoiding pork for religious reasons is not the same as the risk of being killed by cross contamination resulting in anaphylactic shock.
Ben & MIL are BVVU to even risk putting SIL in danger.

Allergies and religious views on food are both important.
Why doesn’t Adam’s family bring dessert, and everyone agree no pigs in blankets?

Allergies come first.. plain n simple. I’ve given my list of demands this year and instructed no one else feeds the baby without hand washing and asking first with his allergies.

If she eats a bit of bacon/sausage or pigs n blankets she won’t get ill and frankly should feel the need to pop to bloody specsavers.

I’d just do my own dinner at home to be fair and see them on Boxing Day.

Out of interest - I thought observant Muslim women are not allowed to be married to people of other faith or non-believers? Muslim men are allowed (I think it is still limited to abrahamic religions), but it is strictly forbidden for women? Or is it an urban myth?

To give MiL the benefit if the doubt, I think it's pretty easy to avoid pork in a meal, but very difficult to make a dessert that most people likes and doesn't feel like a 'substitute' that doesnt have anything with dairy wheat or eggs in. The only things I can think of are a crumble with some alternative flour and marg, or a sorbet or something? As Those three ingredients plus sugar are the basis for most desserts. If she thickened gravy with flour or put butter on the vegetables for example I think that would be unreasonable as there are alternatives, but maybe she genuinely doesnt know what she can cook for dessert without those ingredients that everyone would like. Also with the cross contamination - does SiL expect her to decontaminate and sterilise her kitchen before she makes anything? I would be really worried about that if I was MiL. I dont think anyone is being unreasonable really.