MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

So she serves stuff one woman can't eat without being ill, but wont serve something another womans imaginary friend say not to eat.

Lovely.

If the Muslim wife will eat in restaurants that serve pork, then MIL should be able to serve pigs in blankets etc to everyone else, as long as she’s careful there’s no cross-contamination.

The allergens should absolutely be excluded, can’t believe this isn’t recognised by the family as an absolute no-brainer.

Just keep out of it. You can eat everything so do that. I wouldn’t be going anywhere without pigs in blankets though.

I don’t think Ben’s wife is really relevant here - it is not some competition she has won from Adam’s wife. But Adam’s wife should be catered for - egg allergy seems serious and eggs are also pretty easy to avoid. Or make one pavlova and something else that has no egg in it. It’s not that hard to arrange.

I can sort of understand where the MIL is coming from. Leaving pigs in blankets out of the Xmas dinner doesn’t change it a lot. Leaving wheat, eggs and dairy out might have a bigger impact.

I think the pavlova should go and the trifles should be premade in individual bowls/glasses. There should also be a vegan dessert.

Allergies come first (coming from a fussy eater with no serious allergies).

I'm a proper fuss pot when my vegan friends come over and they don't need to eat vegan. Yeah it might be tricky cutting out some ingredients but I'd rather none of my guests die...

I'm just going over my main Christmas meal in my head and milk can easily be cut out so not too much of a hardship. Maybe making a separate dessert is a bit annoying but not the end of the world

Mil and Ben. If I was Adam I would be giving Ben and mil information about the effects of an egg and dairy allergy. It makes you ill. Pork won’t make Bens wife sick, that’s a religious requirement

I’m a Muslim married to a non Muslim. My in laws tend not to have pork food items anymore at dinners/lunches etc but I have encouraged them to not go out of their way for me. As long as there is something for me to eat, I’ll be fine. I can manage not ‘accidentally’ having pork.

In this scenario, since eggs are life threatening, I would say that trumps everything. If I were bens wife, I would pipe up and make sure there were no
Egg items or purchase the non egg items /egg items so there was no chance of contamination.

I personally think bens wife is being over the top with the whole clean the oven after cooking pork etc. But then again I know a few Muslims /Jewish people who feel this. It’s just surprising ( I
Judgement) that it’s coming from who is relaxed about marrying a non Muslim but is ferociously hanging onto this aspect.

I think you’re doing the right thing by staying out of it, but support the ‘eggless wife’ if you hold dinners or lunches.

Anaphylaxis is life or death. Eggs will kill Adam's wife. For Ben's wife, the concern is so ridiculously less important than that. Ben's a dick and MIL has made sure he'll stay that way.

@SympatheticSwan

Not an urban myth. You are correct

Mil and Ben are being unreasonable .. both wives should be catered too, not one or the other.

I’d stop attending if I were Adams wife.

So miserable

I’d tell them why too

I think Ben and his wife are total red herrings here. It's irrelevant what is or isn't being done for them. The issue is whether MIL should cater for Adam's wife. I think she should, but I also see why she's reluctant to - people are saying she should make more effort for Adam's wife than Ben's because the stakes are higher for Adam's wife, but that might be exactly why she doesn't want to cook for Adam's wife. It's terrifying cooking for someone who might die if you get it wrong, so I can see why she insists that Adam's wife brings her own food.

There also isn't really the option of getting Ben's wife to bring her own food as MIL isn't making anything special for her, she's just not making something she otherwise might. Again, I just don't think the two situations are comparable.

Sounds like MIL really doesn't like the second DIL.

It's not hard to cook meat and veg. If you want to, that is.

I have family with allergies and others who have religious requirements.

Generally when someone is catering for a group of people one of those with allergies brings their own food plus extra. If that person knows the number of other people with allergies then they cater for that number of people.

It means cross contamination issues are avoided, and everyone has food they can eat. Making food that tastes nice without common ingredients takes practice so it makes sense for someone who knows how to do it, does it. In my case because I live near supermarkets that cater for allergies I end up being the one who buys things.

Avoiding pork for religious reasons is not the same as the risk of being killed by cross contamination resulting in anaphylactic shock.
Ben & MIL are BVVU to even risk putting SIL in danger.

^This.

If I was Adam's wife I'd be refusing to come. No way would I spend Christmas Day with people right next to me eating something that, if my food got contaminated with it, could kill me.

I am coeliac and my elder daughter is anaphylactic to nuts. We don't have either nuts or gluten in the house. Friends and family who have come for Christmas dinner have said they would have had no idea the meal was gluten and nut free. MIL should be speaking to Adam or his wife because they will be able to suggest easy swaps which will mean everyone else will probably not even notice.

You can certainly tell who is the favourite DIL, can't you.

Presumably Adam and wife have no eggs ever at home. My colleague has an egg allergy and we have to be very very careful at staff lunches- no egg in room at all. She has ended up in hospital with anaphylaxis more than once. It’s a nightmare for her. Beggars belief that MIL is so blasé about killing her.

If I were Adams wife... I’d be bringing my own pigs in blankets 👍🏻🥳

MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

It's really not that difficult to work out why, surely?

The SIL with the allergies can still bear to look at a cheesecake even if she can't eat it, surely? She's not physically revolted by its presence on the table, is she?

Out of interest - I thought observant Muslim women are not allowed to be married to people of other faith or non-believers?

She may be non-observant and very moderate/easy going in many respects but if she's been brought up to think of pork as unclean then she won't want to have it under her nose at the table, any more than I want a pile of dogshit or a plate full of maggots.

Observance doesn't necesarily come into it. It's about the perception/negative associations she has with pork. It would be the same for some vegetarians with any meat.

There’s no excuse for mil not providing something dairy and egg free. Shops are full of lovely vegan cruelty free desserts

It wouldn't hurt for MIL to do a small thing for her daughter in law, as others have said, she has no choice about allergies.

She could also do a few pigs in blankets cooked on a separate oven dish, i don't suppose the Muslim wife minds what others eat. That's what I would do.

Dairy wheat and egg is more of a pain in the ass to accommodate.
It would affect my stuffing/gravy all the veg get buttered. Then desert....