MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

An atheist and a Muslim round for Christmas dinner... it's like the start of a bad joke.

It's actually my life😂 But I have pigs in blankets because my husband isn't unreasonable 🤷

I think Adam and his wife could start their own tradition of eating elsewhere. This must be quite stressful for her. I would not want Christmas like taht.

@ACouchOfOnesOwn
This was kind of my initial thoughts, regarding cakes/ desserts. Adam and his wife will bring their own dessert no doubt, or I will bake her something. After reading this thread though I am not sure anymore, they sew together during the week (upholstery) and SIL bakes a cake or something and MIL cooks obviously without any eggs, wheat or dairy.
I am now thinking it’s a favourite son and keeping him happy but DH thinks I am a bit salty because it pisses me off when she prioritises Ben over DH and Adam. My gut feeling is maybe this is why Adam is getting annoyed too.

@paranoidmum2 It is like the start of a bad joke because there are lots of racist jokes that start something like:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar ...
I don't think anyone means Muslims/Atheists celebrating Christmas are a bad joke.

It’s not that hard to cater to a dairy wheat and egg allergy. I could do it with ease. But even if you find it challenging wouldn’t you try for someone you love?

Maybe MIL trying to prove she’s inclusive, this would make sense actually. She’s really quite religious and it took her a while to come round to the idea that all four of her children married someone from different religions and cultures.

I respect the pork thing but to be fair it wouldnt actually kill her if she ate some, but the other wife could be seriously ill or even die!

Sounds like classic golden child stuff and I would be making noises to DH and Adam about you all having Xmas together in future.

That is, you four and any kids you all have and letting MIL and Ben have their eggy Xmas to themselves.

Waiting for someone to blame this on Ben’s wife or call her selfish.

Also about who said Muslim women weren’t allowed to marry non-Muslim men. Well technically that is true but people do things that are technically against their religion all the time so???

Christians technically shouldn’t wear clothes made from more than one material and yet they do it every day.

Why? Ben’s wife isn’t calling the shots here? The MIL is, and Ben is, by being a petulant twat, demanding his way, and minimizing the risk to his SIL with the food allergies.

Why does OP's family need a vegan dessert... where does it say that any of them is vegan.

What symptoms are "serious", what happens to Adam's wife if she eats each of milk, wheat or eggs?

imho, omitting all those from every dish at the table isn't realistic. Cross contamination can be avoided if folk are careful; it sounds like MIL has been very good at being very careful in past.

Hosting should be about making your guests comfortable. You can use lactofree everything / oat milk etc. Gluten free flour. There's also "free & easy" gluten and dairy free egg replacement. It's all going to be more expensive, but then it's possible to make everything to suit the full group. Personally I'd keep the pigs in blankets because it's something nice A's wife can eat, but serve multiple alternatives for everyone including something B's wife really likes as an alternative (quorn cocktail sausages are nice). A few side dishes could have dairy and gluten too if they're labelled, but not the one main dessert. You can use little skewer-labels to flag what's safe for which eating type, we always do that for our vegetarians (everyone knows the T-Rex label is meat!). I personally wouldn't use egg if her allergy is that bad. We have some nut allergics who often visit, so we avoid eating any for a couple of days before they come to ensure there's no residual allergens because surfaces have had a few wipes since the last nuts, I'd do that for the egg. All in all, MIL and BIL are very unreasonable.

Woah. Talk about playing hardcore favourites. Over the top catering for a religious preference versus refusing to cater for a food allergy than can make someone extremely unwell or possibly be life threatening depending upon the severity.

No kidding Ben 's the favoured child.

Surprised the other son and his wife still visit, tbh.

Avoiding eggs and pork would seem sensible, and having a dairy and wheat free alternative...

@ragged she’s not vegan, she eats meat but can’t eat dairy and eggs so a vegan dessert is the obvious choice? Maybe I am been a bit dim but other than dairy and egg what Else makes a dessert not vegan? Unless it’s jelly, in which case it couldn’t be made using pork gelatine anyway.

If SIL eats dairy or wheat she gets a rash, some dodgy bowls and cramps for a while. If she eats eggs she has an anaphylactic reaction.

Also worth noting that the trifle would be made with special leaf gelatine, made from agar I think? To cater for Bens wife...

I think they are both being over the top. No need to not serve pigs in blankets, she just doesn't need to eat them! I have never met a Muslim who was worried about what other people are eating! Same for the eggs. My daughter has a serious egg & dairy allergy, she just doesn't eat the desserts and we bring her own - if there is any chance of eggs in the dessert contaminating the Christmas Dinner you need to be asking some serious questions about food hygiene!

Oat milk contains gluten. Lactose-free milk is not suitable for milk protein allergies as it still contains the allergen.

The allergies must be catered for or accommodated appropriately.

It is hypocritical that a person with an ethical food preference shouldn't have to look at the food they don't eat, but a person with allergies has to suck up looking at food that will harm them.

I managed to cater a camp for a week in a field for gluten and (anphylactic) nut allergies and milk, egg and soya allergies. Some things required a lot of care such as batches of mashed potato one containing oat milk and the other dairy (because of the gluten content) but with care and planning, it can be done. The main course of Christmas dinner being meat and vegetable based is easy enough to adapt with care to the trimmings.
Deserts don't have to be lavish Bake-Off masterpieces from scratch.
It sounds like favouritism to me.

i think you woul see you mum side of it too if you werent feeling the years of favoritism behind it.you can hear it behind every comment you post.there is a resentment there.which might be very much warrented.but it is easier to ommit pork.and she can avoid cross contamination easily,again i think you are agains that because its the faved son saying it.but you can put eggs in pudding and not sprinkle it down her gullet whils tyour doing it.but she should also be given or bought a dessert she can eat.there is no reason to not do both.

Also worth noting that the trifle would be made with special leaf gelatine, made from agar I think? To cater for Bens wife...

As jelly has no place in trifle this is easily rectified

Also worth noting that the trifle would be made with special leaf gelatine, made from agar I think? To cater for Bens wife...

Tbf, from the OP, isn't it Ben who is making the trifle?

@kateandme I have no problem omitting the pork, dairy, eggs or wheat but yes I am slightly resentful of the favouritism. To be fair I usually keep well out of it, I am not planning on putting my 50 pence into this one.

Hmmm no jelly? How do you make your trifle? I have never made it so just going off MIL talking through her shopping list.

@LisaSimpsonsbff
He won’t make the trifle, MIL will. When I wrote ‘Ben wants to make’ I meant that was what he wants to eat on Xmas day.

Pavlova/meringue without egg whites using the chickpea juice wotnot?

Def on side of having food that works for everyone's religious & actual dietary requirements here. Both should be catered for!

Good luck!!!

Hmmm no jelly? How do you make your trifle?

Trifle sponges in base. Soak with sherry if for grown-ups, orange juice if not. Squished berries. Thick custard. Whipped cream.

I can see being reluctant to figure out how to cook for someone with complicated allergies on a one-off occasion but to refuse to cater for your DIL for 11 years and counting seems really shitty to me, especially when you happily accommodate a not very observant religious person's objection to being in the same room as a food that won't kill them.

The internet is heaving with advice on how to cook for these allergies, and a roast dinner of all things is so easy. I would be ashamed to invite someone to my house for dinner every year and never figure out how to make minor adjustments to the menu to make them feel welcome and included. Weird.

I think your MIL and Ben are being VVVU in regards to the egg. They could make stuff using the diary and what as long as they earn her they contain those things, and make sure there is something else just for her, even if they buy her a small desert for herself, but they should ommit eggs at all costs to avoid cross contamination, the same as they ommit pork to avoid cross contamination for Ben's wife. Ben is being a spoilt little brat demanding to have something for desert that could potentially kill his brothers wife.