MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

PS obviously the trifle isn’t suitable for Adam’s wife but if the eggs are the main concern then Bird’s custard powder is completely egg free so they could have their trifle without fear of cross-contamination.

I'm sort of with your MIL. Wheat, dairy and egg are very limiting when it comes to puddings and I think it VERY unlikely that she's actually allergic to them all.
It wouldn't work in my house as we don't eat chemically vegan substitutes, so I wouldn't let the children eat anything GF subs or vegan cheese.
If she's happy bringing her own puddings, I'd leave things alone.

Its very strange. When I first started reading I was wondering if your MIL was one of those people who doesn't really believe in food allergies, like my MIL who tried to kill my son when he was 3 or 4 by offering him pecan meringue when he is allergic to just about every ingredient in it. ( My reaction was described as "causing a scene" ). But then I read on and see that isn't the case. So I am mystified. Yes, it is more difficult to cook for a multi allergic person than to just omit pork but it isn't impossible. Ben sounds very unreasonable to expect his wife to be catered for but not to be willing to compromise on a dessert that Adam's wife could enjoy with everyone else. Not sure there is a solution that would make everyone happy if Ben is so entrenched in his position though

Oh... now I am having flashbacks to my mum making my son a special meal of pasta pesto despite his nut allergy. “But pine nuts aren’t nuts...”
It’s all there in the name, lady.

I also think that MIL must make adjustments for Adam’s wife and actually can serve pigs in blankets on the side, she could just put them as far as possible from Ben’s wife and that’s all (it’s not the whole pig) but allergy trumps everything. You need to have something that everyone can eat not what everyone want to eat. People can buy themselves trifle, cheesecake, etc and have them on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or just on upcoming Sunday. It’s very annoying and disrespectful attitude from your MIL towards Adam’s wife.
By the way we had a few years ago apple, pear and cherry compote with ice-cream for dessert on Xmas from bbcgoodfood website, sorry can’t do a reference, but it’s definitely there. It’s really lovely and refreshing, could work with dairy free ice cream.

Actually she does have a point justilou
Whilst there is a bit of disagreement regarding pine nuts, they are generally considered to be seeds rather than tree nuts. Reliable sources such as the Anaphylaxis Campaign say that cross reactivity between oune nuts and tree nuts is rare. Certainly my son who is highly reactive to all tree nuts can eat pesto without any problem.
Several foods have the word nut in the name and are not nuts. Coconut is a seed and peanuts are legumes for example.
Obviously some people are allergic to nuts and seeds though so probably best to consult your doctor. Have you had your son tested specifically for pine nut sensitivity? If not, it might be worth asking them to do it if he is due for skin prick tests or blood tests as you might be avoiding them unnecessarily.

Except that my mother had a copy of his anaphylaxis plan taped to her fridge with a list of all his allergens on it - including pine nuts. He’d tested strongly positive to them as well.

break it down to basics
one is a choice one is not
one gives sky fairy guilt and one gives death
guilt or death???
such a tough decision

Out of interest - I thought observant Muslim women are not allowed to be married to people of other faith or non-believers? Muslim men are allowed (I think it is still limited to abrahamic religions), but it is strictly forbidden for women? Or is it an urban myth?
There are muslims with varying levels of adherence to their faith, just like in all religions.
So while it would be very, very unusual or unheard of for a woman from a strict and devout Muslim family to marry a non-muslim or an atheist, for others it won't be a problem.

thats how you should be putting it to the family... guilt or death, no arguing religion over allergies.... guilt or death because it really is that simple.... GUILT OR DEATH

Anyway, everybody is BU here. MIL could easily make a vegan desert that everybody could eat. It's a lot easier now since vegan became a fad.

Your MIL is BU to not cater towards the allergy but I can see where she’s coming from. Christmas dinner is a big enough stress to some people without the added stress of completely eliminating dairy, wheat and eggs. That would be stuffing, gravy, Yorkshire puddings, potatoes (potentially mashed or roasted) and most desserts that are worth the calories off the table. Pork is easier to substitute without feeling like you’re abstaining.

Not saying it’s right, just that I can see that argument being made.

Another vote for Ben & MIL being complete dicks. It won’t kill Ben not to have trifle and pavlova for dessert but it potentially could Adams wife.

Adams wife’s needs trump Bens wants.

Ben’s wife has nothing to do with it really. Except she’s married to a dickhead.

I don't think the allergic SIL chose to have to be careful to avoid all her allergens or to have the very bad reactions she has to them
The religious SIL is choosing to follow the teachings of a certain religion which is a choice.
It is unfair to allergic SIL that her needs are not catered for.
It is attitudes like the MIL's that makes people with dietary requirements to feel they have to be almost a recluse.
I have allergies and I also do not like pork in any way. I hate it when my dietary needs are discussed in a negative way. I know it is difficult to cope with especially non sufferers who do not realise the consequences. I do not often take the chance of eating out because I am so worried about cross contamination.

This is the season of goodwill, it would be nice to make the Allergic SIL feel included and catered for

so your MIL refuses to cater for someone with an allergy but is happy to cater for someone who made the choice not to.eat a certain food anymore?

Mil and Ben are unreasonable. Is Ben the golden child?

I'm sorry but dairy, wheat and egg is a huge range of allergy. I think the best thing is to bring her own food.
Do you really think Everyone else needs to not eat any of those foods ever just because of her? She needs to manage her own allergy food issues.I say this as someone who has a food allergy member in the family.
If she cant eat that desert then you simply cannot ask everyone else not to eat it as well. How does this woman cope in environments where everyone does not know about her allergies.

Best if she brought her own food. It's not about favourites. Why should the family favourite meals at xmas now all be changed just for one person.
Only on MN would everyone be happy to go vegan at christmas dinner.

Christmas dinner is a big enough stress to some people without the added stress of completely eliminating dairy, wheat and eggs. That would be stuffing, gravy, Yorkshire puddings, potatoes (potentially mashed or roasted) and most desserts that are worth the calories off the table. Pork is easier to substitute without feeling like you’re abstaining.

I think it's this rather than favorites here. Most of the meal needs to be changed and it's a pain on top.
She brings her own food.

Your MIL is being a selfish dick and I feel for Adam’s wife. She has allergies, allergies are different to a slight intolerance, she could literally die if she ate them. Your MIL mustn’t understand the severity of an allergy, Adam’s wife isn’t choosing to omit dairy to be difficult ffs.

Also you totally can eat and enjoy pork in front of a Muslim or Jew, it’s not disrespectful. My Dad is Jewish and he really doesn’t care provided he doesn’t eat any himself.

Ds 24 has nut and seed allergy and family get togethers also include celiac and dairy .and mild egg
We make sure there is something for everyone to eat and have a celiac corner away from gluten products

But I think the banning of foods is OTT. We have nuts and seeds in house all the time.

Totally agree that the allergies should be catered for as a priority, not just over religious dietary requirements but over ALL food requirements.
There are lots of ways that this can and should be done without it becoming a battle.

Still trying to work out if the husband thinks the whole party should be dairy, wheat and egg free?

Of course the allergy trumps a choice not to eat something (and i say this as a vegetarian). I don't expect my hosts to go meat free when i am with them but i do expect no cross contamination and would like alternatives ie vegetarian gravy, roasts not cooked in animal fat.

However, if I had a server allergy i would probably want things excluded or at least very minimally served. I do think its pretty cruel for the brother to suggest to make TWO desserts that a guest can't eat. Surely you make one she can eat?

Both unreasonable IMO
If it was me, I'd take care in preparation but I'd still serve pigs in blankets and dessert choices but I'd have an alternative for wife A

I don't believe a meal should revolve around an individual - the only time I would do that is if the person with an allergy had a life threatening allergy the i would remove it from everywhere (and try to avoid them
Coming to my house too!)

I'm sort of with your MIL. Wheat, dairy and egg are very limiting when it comes to puddings and I think it VERY unlikely that she's actually allergic to them all.
It wouldn't work in my house as we don't eat chemically vegan substitutes, so I wouldn't let the children eat anything GF subs or vegan cheese

There's always one 🙄🙄🙄