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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

205 replies

Bettyknocker · 19/12/2019 19:18

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

OP posts:

TFSRM · 19/12/2019 21:04

Allergy trumps everything. It could make her seriously ill.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 19/12/2019 21:04

There’s no excuse for mil not providing something dairy and egg free. Shops are full of lovely vegan cruelty free desserts

They aren't full of lovely desserts that are egg, dairy and gluten free, though. I have a lot of sympathy for Adam's wife and if I were the MIL I'd make a lot more effort for her than she is, but it is a tricky combination - very hard to find readymade things that tick all the boxes and she might be legitimately terrified of making something from scratch.

squee123 · 19/12/2019 21:07

it's dead easy to make a Christmas pudding that is vegan, gluten free and still delicious. E.g.
this recipe. No one would tell the difference. Serve with dairy free ice cream et voila! So yes, your MIL is being unreasonable.

SpruceTree · 19/12/2019 21:07

I have a 12 year old who was diagnosed with Coeliac disease a year ago. It is so hard for him. He can no longer just go outside of the house and eat. It involves lots of organising and checking and quite a large amount of anxiety. He hates being different now and having his diet restricted. It has greatly affected him socially, mentally and physically. Relatives have complained that it is difficult for them to cater now. This rejection is so hurtful for him. He can't help it. He didn't ask to devil an auto-immune disease. He doesn't want it. He wants to be able to go out for meals round friends houses or to McDonalds. There is no cure available for him.
People don't understand about cross-contamination. You can't touch some gluten and then touch his food. Coeliac's need separate chopping boards as such a minuscule amount of gluten (smaller than the tip of a needle) will make his very ill. Things like stock cubes, crumbs in butter, people do t think about. He can't have coke at the pub unless they have bottles as the dispenser may have previously dispersed beer which contaminated the pipe with gluten.
If my son is glutened he will be ill for 7 days but incapacitated for 4. He will have severe vomiting and diarrhoea, migraines and feel like he has flu. He won't die on the spot, like he might from an allergy, but he will die as being glutened will give him bowel cancer.
Coeliac disease is a severe auto-immune disease which affect all systems of the body.

Iggii · 19/12/2019 21:07

An atheist and a Muslim round for Christmas dinner... it's like the start of a bad joke.
I think mil is virtue signalling by being super respectful of the Muslim dil. No idea why she isn't more helpful to the other dil. Is she one if those people who don't believe in allergies?

LittleReindeer · 19/12/2019 21:08

Whether MIL caters for the Muslim DIL is irrelevant. She should cater for the allergic DIL. There are loads of vegan desserts, MIL is just being rude by refusing to serve one. And everyone is being really nasty and selfish, I’m sure they could manage one day without a trifle. They could have it at home on Boxing Day if they’re that bothered. There’s no need for eggs or dairy in a Christmas dinner at all, and it’s very easy to make wheat free too. The only issue is dessert and if your family member has allergies you just suck it up for one day.

maras2 · 19/12/2019 21:10

FFS.
It's a holiday celebration.
Can't they all bring whatever food that they can eat (like a packed lunch)? Then relax and enjoy the day.
Whenever I host , admittedly very seldom, I always cook vegan so no one moans and if they do I give the 66 year old maras death stare.
Christmas is a time to celebrate with loved ones not fall out over dietary stuff.

PurpleDaisies · 19/12/2019 21:10

Most Muslims I’ve known haven’t minded other people eating pork. They just don’t want to eat it themselves.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 19/12/2019 21:14

This ^^

maras2 · 19/12/2019 21:18

Oops should have said that I'm not vegan and the carnivores in my family wouldn't be unhappy having an alternative Christmas dinner.

missperegrinespeculiar · 19/12/2019 21:18

Ben and MIL are not just unreasonable, they are selfish dickheads, eggs could kill her and they want to make pavlova and trifle just because? so, to put it straight, eating pavlova at Christmas is more important than potentially killing their relative? wow, lovely people!

If I were Adam's wife I'd be booking myself into a top notch vegan restaurant and tell my "family" to fuck off

My DS is allergic to nuts, he could die if he was exposed to peanuts particularly, we don't expect people to go overboard with precautions, they have their own lives and priorities, but if my family insisted they had to have nuts at Christmas lunch I would not be going there ever again! they are family, it is Christmas and he could DIE

jay55 · 19/12/2019 21:19

I don't understand why Adam and his wife don't just go to her parents, or stay home. Id not want to be around mil or the other arseholes.

Original poster

Bettyknocker · 19/12/2019 21:20

Apologies one of my kids woke up. Some really interesting replies here and seems majority think that the allergy should be catered too first and foremost. To answer a few questions; the reason I included Bens wife been catered too was because during the (very tame) argument today when Ben was complaining about not making the desserts Adam said something like “we cater to your DW and her dietary requirements why not mine” so they were having a toss up about who was more difficult to cater to and why.

MIL says it’s not the same and I think she does actually mean that the religious reasons should be more respected because as someone up thread said Bens wife is really offended by pork on the table whilst Adans wife although allergic can face looking at a plate of egg and cream.

I haven’t discussed in depth with Bens wife about her religion but from what I know she doesn’t eat pork or drink alcohol but also doesn’t pray, go to a mosque of wear a hijab etc. Her mum isn’t Muslim so maybe that’s why.

MIL isn’t someone who doesn’t believe in allergies my DH had a dairy allergy as a child and she was shit hot on that, so he says. Sorry that’s a bit of a drip feed. Now I am writing it down and reading the replies it does come across like MIL doesn’t like Adams wife but they spend three days a week together and every Sunday...

OP posts:

Mamawingingit1234 · 19/12/2019 21:23

I agree with pp it’s unfair catering to one and not the other. You’ll have to update us on how the Christmas dinner goes

Pinkpanther473 · 19/12/2019 21:25

Have some experience of this as dd has egg and dairy allergy.(not wheat)
Can be difficult at first to get head around but it’s easy enough with a roast dinner of some sort or a simple pasta/rice dish (with no cheese)
Then shop bought free from pud-easy!
Or fruit salad with alpro soya custard- tastes really nice.

It seems inhospitable that the person with allergies is having to bring her own food.
She doesn’t have to eat exactly the same as others but it would be kind to get her something free from as a dessert that she could enjoy.

Dd does eat quite a lot of ham and sausages bless her as she has to get protein mainly from meat/beans (she’s also allergic to nuts)
Don’t see why a tray of pigs in blankets couldn’t be bunged in the oven for everyone else to enjoy and kept separate from the Muslim guest?

Supersimkin2 · 19/12/2019 21:26

I suspect, like a lot of people, MIL doesn't really believe in food allergies being as dangerous as they - very, very occasionally - can be for adults. SIL has ruled out three main food groups from the Xmas table, which is dismal for the cook and other diners.

I can't see the drama here - if SIL has any type of serious allergy, she'd be a rare case indeed. And suicidally stupid not to bring her epipen and pudding - everyone ought to be contributing anyway.

PurpleDaisies · 19/12/2019 21:26

If I were Adam's wife I'd be booking myself into a top notch vegan restaurant and tell my "family" to fuck off.

Most vegans ignore “may contain traces of egg/dairy” as a legal disclaimer. A vegan restaurant may not necessarily be suitable for someone severely analphylactic to egg.

paranoidmum2 · 19/12/2019 21:29

An atheist and a Muslim round for Christmas dinner... it's like the start of a bad joke.

Lots of Atheists celebrate Christmas. And why is the Muslim coming to dinner like 'a bad joke'? We should celebrate diversity and intermarriage.

justilou1 · 19/12/2019 21:31

Sounds more like the favored son thing to me. My mother would remember all of my brother’s favourite things, and would cook me a special dish of Coucous - despite knowing I have coeliac disease. Or cooking pasta because it was my brother’s favourite. The number of times I just walked out on family dinners I was invited to....

BlueJava · 19/12/2019 21:32

To me the allergy would trump everything else. If I was hosting I would avoid all pork and all the allergies and tell everyone to lump it and not complain - my kitchen, what I say goes! Your MIL easily has to power to stop this by supporting both and not engaging in debates about trifles!

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 19/12/2019 21:34

I started by thinking none of them were being UR but actually I think Adam is. We have a family member with the same allergies as Adam's wife. Either you trust other people to cook for you, or you don't. If you don't, then you bring your own food. You can't trust your health to other's diligence.

It's also much easier to remove pork from recipes than it is to remove dairy, wheat and egg.

Yy I'm adept at cooking soups, mains and desserts that meet our allergy needs but I wouldn't trust anyone else to do it especially since they won't be doing it as regularly. And, there's absolutely no need for everyone else to opt out of the food they want to eat. If Adam is so upset about dessert, he can make one that suits his wife and bring it for everyone to share. People can then choose if they want trifle or the allergy-friendly dessert.

mummyof2girls18 · 19/12/2019 21:37

You are very right in this response; I am reading this thread and completely confused on the contradictory I am viewing. If she is so strict on haram/halal foods shouldn’t she have applied that on her marriage?

Islamically speaking, she isn’t even married to him as there is no religious leader who will perform a Islamic marriage on an atheist and Muslim lady...

Consider me dumbfounded...

EstebanTheMagnificent · 19/12/2019 21:38

Completely agree with the pp who said that MIL is virtue-signalling to show everyone how Perfectly Comfortable she is with her Muslim DIL.

TreeSwayer · 19/12/2019 21:40

The cross contamination from the desserts would be a worry.

My friend is coeliac and I cannot cook her dinner here as her reactions to any trace of gluten can see her hospitalised. I cannot use chopping boards or oven trays even though they have been in the dishwasher.

She always brings her own food with her. Your MIL and Ben are rude and could make Adam's wife ill. Very selfish.

Waveysnail · 19/12/2019 21:41

I think omitting eggs is reasonable request. Alpro custard is lovely and would make perfect substitute in trifle and easy to get wheat free sponge fingers. Serve cream seperate - job done.

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