MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

DH is questioning every time we ever cooked for them now- we made a huge tapas for DH birthday and has everyone over including friends, we didn’t include any of SIL allergens in the food but DH did have a chorizo ragu thing and now he’s wondering if that was a dick move.

I don’t think the argument will last to Christmas Day, they are all very close. I suspect Ben has his blinkers on and doesn’t see the problem with offering SIL no dessert.

I'd make a trifle with jelly and just tell the other one she can't eat it as it has gelatine in it. The other sil has to put up with things on the table she can't eat and it's not even her fault. X

Lots of vegan things contain wheat.
Lots of vegan desserts contain wheat.
OP wrote that wheat is an equal issue for the 'allergic' SIL.
Folk are writing above that at least some of the suggested vegan alternatives have gluten in them (but OP didn't say gluten was a problem, just wheat).
It's like a zillion issues all mixed up.
I'm not clear why the allergic SIL can't bring her own dessert that would be perfect for her dessert needs.

But I'm the sort of person who would be happy to have a Christmas meal made of just sprouts & turkey, so probably "can't get it."

A lot of people call themselves allergic when they have a bad reaction, not a deadly one. So am not sure where this thread go to in understanding the true situation, tbh.

@ColaFreezePop

Most is available on Amazon these days. Unless you're on a remote island where the road only opens once a year, these ingredients are pretty mainstream and widely available even in remote areas.

This is so ridiculous. Why does it come across that the women’s dietary needs are being used to pit people against each other?
Why does one have to trump the other?

If you have guests, then make all feel welcome or don’t bother

Why is the sil asking if someone else is making her a dessert? Why not offer to bring one for everyone herself?
What a big drama about something simple.
.

MIL isn’t someone who doesn’t believe in allergies

My son carries an epipen. This attitude would give me the blind rage.

Allergies come first. Religion is a choice.

@ragged SIL isn’t involved in this at all, she wasn’t there at the time. She is sorting out alternatives as she always does and is happy to do. It’s her DH who was asking why she has to when MIL is willing to cater to others. Sorry, maybe I am not writing this correctly.

Also Bens wife whilst she doesn’t like pork on the table I don’t think she would kick up a fuss or anything, she’s equally as lovely and I imagine is will give Ben a hard time over his unsympathetic approach to SIL allergies.

@HunkyDory69
MIL has dairy free butter and dairy free milk etc.. She doesn’t have cream cheese, bread or gluten free lady fingers for example. She will make things suitable where possible I imagine but probably won’t go to Holland and Barrett to buy speciality ingredients.

If I was 'the wife' with the allergies then I just wouldn't attend - simple. I don't understand why everyone tippy toes around shit like this....

Ok that then changes it. They are being ur not to provide an option of desert for her. I thought you meant the entire meal must cater to her. Sil can also bring a few options to suit her, you are bringing desert and mil said she will see what can be done about mains. I dont think it's that bad.

MIL isn’t someone who doesn’t believe in allergies

I think you've mis-read the above Gooey - I think the OP means her MIL is good about allergies, not the opposite.

Does sound like MIL hasn't thought the food through in terms of not leaving anyone out unfairly. If I was Adam's wife I'd be a little peeved, at least.

As an aside, pork products aren't always obvious - products turn up in odd places like marshmallows and iced Christmas biscuits (I found pork gelatine in the ones from Waitrose the other day) . Avoiding dairy, wheat and egg is far far harder, obv!

And if I were Adam's wife I'd be reconsidering how much time I spent around MIL once I had kids, if that's on the table for them...

This won't help you I'm afraid OP because it contains dairy and egg, but seeing as it's Christmas, here's a really easy gluten free desert people can serve for everyone. Just be strict about using a separate serving spoon.

Drum roll.....Gluten free Black Forest Trifle

Buy some Genius chocolate muffins in Tesco, put them in the bottom of a glass dish. Slosh liberally with cherry liqueur. Put a jar of Kirsch cherries in.

Thicken up a carton of Ambrosia Devon custard with some cornflour and a bit of water and pop some of that on the top. Allow to cool.

Whip a carton of cream and top with that.

Quick, easy to assemble, and I have known non Coeliacs to fight for the last spoonful.

@Foghead
One doesn’t trump the other, my thoughts were would you offer some alternatives for allergens and is it unreasonable to make a dessert that is literally eggs when someone has a serious allergy to it. Adam used the fact that Bens wife is catered to to drive his point that he thinks it’s unfair to cater to one and not the other.

I bake a lot, so SIL asked me because for 10+ years I have always brought something for her.

I wonder if MIL checks if there is traditional gelatin in all these desserts she buys that Adam's poor wife can't go near........

Oof poor Adam's wife :( MIL and Ben are being so horrid to her! I'd be devastated if I were her.

Make the pavlova with the chickpea water as ememem84 suggests - I didn't believe the hype, but tried it a few months ago, and honestly, you wouldn't have been able to tell that the meringue wasn't egg! Did take a long time to whip up, but it was unbelivable! You could totally make a pavlova that meets SIL's allergy needs.

But to the OP, it's really not unreasonable to cater for allergies - especially ones that cause anaphylaxis - it must be so stressful for her to be checking everything. I think that egg free, and making it clear what's got wheat/dairy and offering alternatives would be a good and safe compromise.

Lots of food sensitivities in our family.
DM and I just discussed Christmas menu. DM does not ‘get’ food sensitivities as she has none.
Lots of things suggested would have to be altered to make safe for all.
She finally gets, no onion, garlic, capsicum or dairy . If Aunt came would be no sugar or yeast as well.
Allergy beats choice.

Who can't understand a woman has anaphylaxis if she eats eggs! The BIL is equally as bad insisting on 2 innapropriate desserts! Sainsbury's has a huge vegan section and it wouldnt take much for one of the family to buy SIL some nice food! You could easily get a nice package starter for her to open at the table rather than telling her to bring her own cream cheese

I know it isn't you OP but when you describe her as nice and kind I imagine her silently heartbroken that her husband's family seems intent on trying to make life as awkward as possible.

Extremely ridiculous for someone to go through all of that for one person. I highly doubt everyone else is going to be happy with this as their Christmas dinner.

'Oh look, Margaret is having an anaphylactic reaction'.
'She's only one person, couldn't have the rest of us having a meal we might enjoy marginally less, just so she could safely eat it'.

What is ridiculous is taking a chance with other people's lives.

I’d be tempted to bring pigs in blankets along with my vegan chocolate cake I think.

How can you accidentally eat a pig in a blanket ffs. Allergy is life threatening, deciding not to eat pork isn’t. I’m Arab (Altho Christian) and I don’t know anyone who would object to pork being in a meal as long as they knew what they could/couldn’t eat

To me it sounds like Ben is The Golden Child from your posts OP.

Honestly, it’s really not that hard to cater to both the allergies and the religious preferences. You just have to be organised and plan ahead, which is what it sounds like is happening anyway.

I can’t remember where I read this, but iirc the whole no pork thing has been misinterpreted over the years anyway.

Originally the reason why pork shouldn’t be eaten was because it was said that eating bad meat was wrong, and given Islam is generally practiced by people in the Middle East where temperatures are high and deserts are plenty, the chances that the meat would go off were high, as such this was discouraged. The same applied to alcohol which has the impact of dehydration, something which in countries/area with low water supplies would be an issue. And so the traditions have followed into the current day.

That’s not to say that people should be obliged to eat pork but that it would not be considered a mortal sin to be in the same space as someone who does.