MIL or BIL unreasonable over dietary needs

[Bettyknocker]

Name changed for this. DH has two brothers, Adam and Ben (not actual names) their wives both have dietary requirements. Adams wife has a dairy, wheat and egg allergy. Bens wife is Muslim so doesn’t eat pork.

MIL has, since Ben first got in a relationship, omitted any pork from meals when Ben and family came over. So on Christmas she makes chicken stuffing, doesn’t serve pigs in blankets and takes bacon and sausages off the breakfast and subs for something else.

However MIL always has and still does serve desserts, cheese, cakes with egg in on every occasion and Christmas Day. She doesn’t make any alternative for Adams wife so she brings her own dessert or I make something vegan because I like baking. MIL says it’s not the same thing but can’t articulate why.

For full context non of the wives have actually mentioned it recently- Adams wife is very careful with what she eats anyway but does find it stressful when there are eggs about, Bens wife would prefer absolutely no pork so no risk of accidentally eating it.
Adam and Ben had a bit of a debate about it today because Ben wants to make trifle and pavlova for dessert on Xmas and Adam said “My wife can’t eat any of that stuff and I would rather we didn’t use eggs that day because the likelihood of contamination is high with everyone pitching in with the cooking” Ben was not happy said you can’t omit all that stuff every time we have a family meal and pork is just one thing so not as much of a PITA.

Side note so I don’t drip feed- Ben is absolutely the favourite of the four children but MIL is very very close to Adams wife.

So who’s BU? MIL and Ben or Adam? Me and DH are in no way involved in this, I am not sure who is right but I do know her egg allergy is really quite serious so I don’t agree with the pavlova or trifle idea. I am just curious to be honest.

If I was Adam's wife I would be so annoyed so she has more patience than me. I would bring along my own dessert but she shouldn't have to as if you are having a guest over it shouldn't be to much trouble to buy her or make her something suitable to eat.

As for Ben's wife she is a hypocrite. Nom halal meat is not permissible to muslims so unless your mil is serving up all halal meat she is being a hypocrite eating that and not pork. Also if she is married to a non Muslim she is in no way devout as that is not allowed either. I wouldn't pander to any of her requests regarding to cleaning out the oven unless she offers to do it!

It is a shame that mil will go out of her way for one dil and not the other when allergies are so dangerous. The behaviour displayed is not really in the spirit of what Christmas is meant to be about, which is a bit sad really.

@sceptre86

Agree with everything you posted 100%. I would be really really hurt if I was Adam's wife. Also agree about the hypocrisy of the other DIL

Why are Christians allowed to choose what bits of Christianity they practice but Muslims doing so for Islam are ‘hypocrites’?

If a Christian family member was asking me to follow specific dietary requirements, asking me to clean out my oven etc and then ignoring other bits of the religion I would feel exactly the same. The issue is not the religion in question, its the UNFAIRNESS of going the extra mile for one DIL and completely ignoring the other DIL's requests. Especially considering allergies can cause people harm- its not a religious choice, it can cause people to get ILL.

@beautifulstranger101 but that’s not what you said in your post. You agreed with @Sceptre86 who said:

‘Nom halal meat is not permissible to muslims so unless your mil is serving up all halal meat she is being a hypocrite eating that and not pork. Also if she is married to a non Muslim she is in no way devout as that is not allowed either.’

So this attack on hypocrisy seems very much aimed at SIL because she is a Muslim.

Its exactly as I said. If someone was asking me to do specific things in my own kitchen and change the way I prepare food, then yes,I would question why they were so strict on that but not about others which are also fundamental to the religion.

I also believe Christians are hypocritical for preaching love and kindness and then being judgy about others behaviour.

Hypocrisy is rife in all religions. I note you still haven't addressed the unfairness in treatment of the DILs though.....

Happy to address it, I feel bad for Adam’s wife and feel she should absolutely be accommodated.

But it sounds like MIL is closer to Adam’s wife, so maybe Adam’s wife has been too kind and told MIL that she doesn’t mind?

Also, OP doesn’t actually say that it’s Ben’s wife who demands the oven be cleaned after pork is cooked in it, so I feel that it’s unfair to call Ben’s wife a hypocrite the, she may be blissfully unaware of all if this and this may be MIL overdoing it!

I do think that people on MN generally hold Muslims to higher standards which I don’t think is fair. There are flawed adherents in every religion (as you say).

@havaina
All fair points and I agree.

It does sound like Ben is the favourite. I'd be really annoyed if I were Adam (and his wife). Especially since there's all this nonsense about keeping the oven a pork free zone etc, but no care about the medical dangers if cross contamination due to an allergy.

I'd just not go tbh. My mum is a bit like this and I just avoid eating at her house. My sister decided to become a Muslim several years ago, and my mum makes a massive fuss about accommodating her no pork/halal meat choices. My DS (and DSD) have coeliac disease and get very ill if they have gluten. But my mum is totally unfussed about cross contamination and just not careful about anything. Then she (and my sister) act like I'm being unreasonable for making a fuss about it all. Apparently I'm overzealous because I don't want his food cooked on the same tray as food covered in a gluten containing marinade/sauce.

It is infuriating to have my sister's choices accommodated but to have no real care about making her grandson ill. His ham sandwich couldn't hurt my sister or her family in any way. But apparently her sensitivities are more important than DS's health.

@woomawang
wow- thats just awful. I wouldn't go to her house if she can't even be bothered to keep my child safe and well. What an appalling attitude.

It's a roast turkey. Very easy to accommodate allergies
Stuffing can be cooked separately or vegan and gluten free alternative can be used.
Gravy - very easy to make gluten safe
Pudding wise is tougher but simply not cooking with allergy stuff for one day is not that hard

I barely do. The last time was just after Christmas last year (when we had marinaded-chickengate). She lives about 3 hours away and I just don't take DS up there as I can't control the food situation or relax at all.

They're coming to us on Boxing Day. I'm doing ham (everything GF) because my DC and SDC love it. My sister can make do with sides etc.

She won't have bought my children Christmas presents either. Because, you see, she's Muslim now and they don't do that. But she'll accept (and expect) presents for her kids. Because she's like that. I (kind of) let my BIL off for this because he was raised Muslim in North Africa, but my sister (who was raised by lapsed Catholics of Irish descent and not Muslim until her late 20s) absolutely knows that it is totally not on to not get your nephew anything for Christmas. Especially when he's just handed over a pile of presents to his cousins and watched them open them.

Hence, we're having ham and I don't feel in the least bit guilty about it.

@mousemousse you are ignoring the cost of getting this stuff in. Allergy free food cost more, and more in Amazon than a supermarket or even a shop on the high street that sells the same stuff.

@Throwawayteachere larger Sainsburys (plus all other large supermarkets) have a Free From aisle and a selection in the fridge. Products are explicitly labelled. Vegan food often has wheat in it and so is put in a different section.

I'm always glad reading these threads that the majority of people in my life aren't batshit with these things.

Yes I did misread @ContessaLovesTheSunshine I didn't read the 'n't'
I got the red mist reading about Adam's wife.

This makes me sad and angry on behalf of Adam's wife. As a muslim people cater to our dietary needs and in return we try respect their needs if they are allergic or are vegetarian. Although I do find it more stressful to cater to some one who has allergies than to someone who has specific dietary needs. That is because people with allergies can die or get seriously ill if they eat something wrong but let's say a vegetarian would be offended but not die of eating something wrong. Not that I am saying your MIL is right but I can see her point of view. It's just easier not to make any pork but considering most traditional foods have eggs, gluten and milk in them it is rather hard and stressful to cater to that.

Allergy wins hands down.

No reason why pork would accidentally be eaten - surely she knows what bacon/sausages look like?!

@WooMaWang it’s not nice for your kids to see their cousins get presents from you but for them to not get anything from their aunt. I would tell sis let’s not to do presents, that really isn’t fair.

@WooMaWang

I would not be buying her kids presents if she doesnt reciprocate. Thats not fair. Why on earth would she expect to receive them if she doesnt give them? Either do presents for everyone or dont do them at all. Its absolutely horrible to expect your kids to be the only ones without presents from them whilst everyone else gets them. She has an appalling attitude too. Urgh.

@AlternativePerspective you got it wrong. The Consumption of swine meat is specifically prohibited in Quran. It's actually prohibited in all abrahamic religions, some people just pick and choose from a religion which is wrong. Same goes for dead meat and alcohol. Main reason alcohol was prohibited was that it affects a person's inhibitions and can cloud their judgement. Both of these affect the soul and body of a person and we are not allowed to consume anything that would damage it.

@WooMaWang your sister is cheeky and taking advantage of you. It should be the other way round. She should be the one getting you presents as you celebrate Christmas but not taking them from you!

and before anyone points it out, yes I know what my username means. The irony. I just like the song.

@beautifulstranger101 and @Havaina I stopped buying her kids anything after that point. She still gets annoyed about it though. And my mum gets them loads of presents (while receiving nothing in return).

I think she's just spectacularly selfish and not very nice. I keep her (and my mother) very much at arm's length. Her children are horrors too because she doesn't believe they should hear the word 'no' (I wish I was joking).

The food makes me much more angry than the presents thing. It's dangerous and just not ok.

Anyway, I think I've managed to make Ben and his mum sound positively lovely in comparison. 😂 They should do an egg free Christmas though. Because cross-contamination is a real issue in allergies.

I really think the Muslim has nothing to do with the scenario except to illustrate that MIL does cater to food requirements. It’s not Muslim DIL insisting on eating egg and wheat based foods.
It’s her husband.

Also according to OP Bens wife hasn’t said she can’t tolerate the sight of sausages on the dinner table. MIL has chosen to ensure there is no pork at the dinner table.

Alternativperspective, thank goodness you know better than Muslims everywhere that they have no idea that what they’re reciting in the Quran and being taught in mosques and classes regarding the jurisprudence of food.

Ben needs to be told he can live without a pudding that could potentially kill his SIL. He sounds like such a prick.

The problem is that it is simple to exclude pork from a Christmas dinner without impacting everyone else. We occasionally have a Jewish guest and we just have brisket instead of gammon, use beef sausages in the stuffing and don't bother with the pigs in blankets. It's barely noticeable.

However, most 'free from' type food is expensive and frankly revolting, especially the cheese. You can't just substitute it without impacting on everyone else's enjoyment.

What I would do to cater for the allergic DIL would be to ensure that all the main meal is suitable for her, so no wheat in the stuffing, no hidden dairy in the sauces etc, maybe do her own gravy.

And then, presuming that more than one dessert is being served, make sure at least one is suitable for her - eg M&S do a vegan dark chocolate and cherry mousse type thing that looks lovely and many people would enjoy. I'd have another dessert and standard cheese and if she wanted some dairy free cheese, or some pate or something, offer that.

I don't eat pork either. I would absolutely expect the exception to be made for the allergy over the religious reason. I would really appreciate the chicken stuffing, but wouldn't expect things like pigs and blankets to not be on the table. I just wouldn't eat those. However a contamination from dairy is so serious I cannot see how they risk this.