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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
JoGose · 19/12/2019 17:40

I would tell her, personally.

heartsonacake · 19/12/2019 17:40

You can’t prevent it happening again. If you stop it in your house he’ll just shag around at hotels or their own houses.

Your DIL deserves to know what kind of man he is, and I don’t think any woman wants that type to bring up their child.

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 17:40

Well first of all, you are well within your rights to tell him he can't live there if he is going to bring women back, or indeed at all. He is a guest in your home and that is rude.

As to being stuck between them, you should tell your son you aren't lying for him and that your DIL does not think they have broken up, so he will need to talk to her and tell her the truth.

foihnula80 · 19/12/2019 17:41

Christ, please tell her. Wouldn't you want to know?

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 19/12/2019 17:41

If he's sleeping with other women and goes back to your pregnant DIL he could pass on all sorts of nasty sexually transmitted diseases to her which could harm the baby. I don't think this is something you can keep quiet about.

As for stopping him bringing women back - he obviously has no respect for you or for his poor wife. I would kick him out, personally.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2019 17:42

Your son is a complete pig and I would tell him he has to find somewhere else to stay. When your DIL asks why, you should tell her you don't want to get involved but that she should ask your son and not be fobbed off with "There wasn't a reason."

I'd do everything to support her and to keep the relationship with your GC. Your son needs to grow up.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 19/12/2019 17:42

She needs to know - what if they reconcile and he gives her an STI?

HoomanMoomin · 19/12/2019 17:42

Tell her.

EmmaOvary · 19/12/2019 17:42

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds like a difficult situation indeed. You're right, your son's behaviour is appalling. Do you think there is a misunderstanding regarding whether they are still together on his side? It seems unlikely to me. Still shoddy behaviour. As for telling your DIL - it's hard, I think it's the right thing to do however it will drive a wedge between your son and you. I would confront him and urge him to come clean to her. I doubt he will, but it will give you a better idea of what to do next.

foihnula80 · 19/12/2019 17:43

He's clearly lying to her as she thinks they're together and presumably faithful. I mean no offence, but it's better that they break up now than his cheating come out when the child is born/older. It's better for everyone involved that the truth be known now rather than later.

JuneSpoon · 19/12/2019 17:43

I don't understand the voting question but you should tell your daughter in law. Apart from anything else, if he's sleeping around and having sex with her he could pass on anything to her and potentially endanger the baby

AnyFucker · 19/12/2019 17:44

Tell your DIL. She deserves the truth.

magoria · 19/12/2019 17:44

She needs to know he considers their relationship is over and has moved on so she can do the same and start the application for maintenance.

If you don't tell he and he goes back how will you feel if he gives her something from sleeping with people she knows nothing about.

Lllot5 · 19/12/2019 17:44

Tell him he can’t bring women back regardless of his situation with his ‘wife’ it’s not a knocking shop.
I wouldn’t tell her personally not sure if that’s going to help.
Does he have a drinking problem?
Does he admit to having a drinking problem?
I would always try to help my kids but sometimes you have to be firm.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 19/12/2019 17:45

Oh @JingleJingleBelly this is really a hard situation.

Whilst I wouldn’t advocate getting inbetween a couple like this. Your son brought these women into your home thus making you a part of the deceit. I would sit her down and explain gently what’s been happening and ensure she knows your intentions are good.

Stuff your lame excuse for a son.. what is he thinking putting you and his family in that position?!

averythinline · 19/12/2019 17:45

Tell him, he's not to bring people back to your house or he's out....an he is to sort it out with DIL or you will ..
I feel your shame about your son but you may have to stop him staying a child... maybe time limit how long he's back at yours for- FFS he's 30

Moominfan · 19/12/2019 17:46

This is really hard. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to tell or you will. E

humblesims · 19/12/2019 17:50

Tell him, he's not to bring people back to your house or he's out....an he is to sort it out with DIL or you will
I agree with this

Selfsettling3 · 19/12/2019 17:51

You stop him from shagging randoms in your house by stop letting him stay in your house.

Is he drinks too much code for he is an alcoholic?

SecretMillionaire · 19/12/2019 17:52

She deserves better and to know the truth

beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 17:53

If he were my son I would be disgusted with his behaviour and I would tell him point blank- whilst staying with me he is not bringing any women home. No ifs ands or buts. If he doesnt like it, he can move out. He's putting you in an awful situation and its not bloody on. Its your house- you are entitled to lay down some rules.
I'd also be speaking to him about his drinking. This isn't healthy.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 17:54

Yes tell him. Mainly for health reasons if he picked up herpies or a HPV viral in his pants the affects on the baby could be fatal.
Do it with your DGC in mind.

Original poster
JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:54

All these comments, thank you all for trying to help. I feel so torn.
My son is letting people down left right and centre and the last thing I want to do is betray anyone or cause stress to my daughter in law.
He is due from work shortly, so I'll try to have a talk to him. He's not easy to discuss things with, I haven't been able to discuss it since, it's as if he just erases it from his memory.
I don't know why he's doing this, he's been brought up well, never been short of anything he needs and often given what he wanted.
He is hopeless with money, has no savings - despite having a decent job and living with us for the most part of his 20's. For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 17:54

Sorry meant tell Her.

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2019 17:54

I think you need to tell her because of the STD risk if they get back together especially while pregnant.

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