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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/12/2019 20:08

my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself

He's behaving like a Dick, but in all fairness, it sounds over to me. She needs to know it's over but that needs to come from him OP, definitely not from you. Flowers

GreenGrove · 19/12/2019 20:15

Encourage your son to tell her. If he doesn't you absolutely have to tell her yourself. She'll be bereft if (when) she finds out and realises that you knew all along. You could end up losing your grandchild over this. Plus, she's pregnant and could end up contracting an STI!

Drabarni · 19/12/2019 20:16

Tell your dil she deserves to know.
Then stop enabling your son to be a dick head. Perhaps time on his own in a grotty flat will sort him out.

Strawberryoranges · 19/12/2019 20:16

That’s I suppose a good point. It doesn’t seem that they are even together anymore. Not that that motivates him sleeping with lots of women and not stepping up as a father. But at least he isn’t a current cheater. Honestly Flowers to you.

GreenGrove · 19/12/2019 20:17

Oh oops, just caught up with your replies so I suppose I was too late with my advice..

LemonAndGin · 19/12/2019 20:18

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go

All the enabling of your son that you've done so far... how's that worked out for him?

nobodyimportant · 19/12/2019 20:18

You can't fix him, only he can do that, and he's not likely to while you're making it easy for him to carry on.

What you can do is be there for your DIL and grandchild. Help her buy the pram. Be there for her.

SunshineCake · 19/12/2019 20:19

You can prevent it happening in your house.

If your DIL finds out you let him have sex with other women in your house when she thought they were working things out you'll probably never get to see the grandchild.

Millie202023 · 19/12/2019 20:19

I wouldn’t tell her for the simple fact she is pregnant, it can cause more stress and stress is no good for a growing baby.
I’d have serious words with your son and put your foot down that if he wants to sleep with different women every week he better get his own place and do it there. Come down hard on him because I think he needs tough love right now and a good fucking kick up the arse.

MumW · 19/12/2019 20:21

And again, he brought the girl round late at night, myself and my husband were in bed. We wouldn't have known only I heard them rattling with the gates in the morning before we got up

You say you are ashamed but by letting him stay and not putting a stop to the girls, you enabling and condoning his poor behaviour.
FGS read him the riot act if you haven't already done so and then carry it through.
I'd be throwing him out until he agrees to get help with the alcohol and starts behaving responsibly towards his wife and baby.
If you wish to support your DIL, you need to show her that you aren't siding with him.

He's a shit for putting you in this position and you now have to decide whether you want the shit to stick to you too.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2019 20:22

After such blatant disregard for your request that he not bring randoms back the very least I'd do would be to take his key off him. Yes, that might mean I had to get up and let him in, but I'll bet dollars to donuts that he won't be standing there with Tillie the Town Pump.

The decision to ask an adult child to leave one's home is a difficult one. That decision is entirely up to you. But I wouldn't be enabling an alcoholic by allowing him to continue to drink and come home drunk, even if he's 'not drinking as much'. Read up on 'enabling'. Enabling doesn't just mean providing alcohol. There are a myriad ways of enabling an alcoholic that appear on the surface to be 'kind and caring' but are in fact the opposite.

I'm sorry that things came to a head with your DiL. You've apologized, she let you know she was unhappy. 'Nuff said. Now just try to move forward and be as supportive of her as you can.

TryingToBeBold · 19/12/2019 20:23

Unfortunately your DD has beat you too it.. just need to be apologetic that you didnt tell her tonight and it was going to be something you did (she will still be upset you knew and didn't tell her.. whether it was 1 day or 1 month).

As for your son..

He's an adult. Strong words are needed. Sleeping around under your roof with a baby on the way isnt acceptable. Otherwise start charging him rent and passing it onto DIL

TryingToBeBold · 19/12/2019 20:24

It actually makes me furious those saying not to tell DIL.
If she was not pregnant.. fine. But she is. OP / everyone keeping quiet is literally putting the babies health at risk of STDS. What part of that do you not understand?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/12/2019 20:25

What a car crash. And you’re only encouraging his behaviour Confused

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2019 20:28

he went off and picked an ex up because he didn't want to acknowledge her request of stumping up half for a pram
I'm distraught at this news. She saw a second hand pram, top of the range one was £1500. This one was £250. She asked him for half the money and he went to the pub and brought home an ex

You're right, he's not going to step up and since they're not married I doubt you'll be allowed a relationship with the GC now. Fairly or not, her hearing it from someone else will likely mean you'll be tarred with the same brush and she'll slip out of your life taking the baby with her

Which will probably suit your DS just fine ... but he certainly wouldn't be revelling in what he's done in my house

gamerchick · 19/12/2019 20:30

He’s an adult, and he’s behaving like this and is in this position because you’ve been pandering to him his whole life, OP. He’s always got what he wanted, never short of anything... that’s the reason why he’s like this. Because he doesn’t have the basic life skills necessary, and the only way he’ll get them is if you cut the apron strings

This ^^ you've wiped his arse long enough OP. Time for him to grow up and that means kicking his arse out.

Original poster
JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 20:30

It's like I'm in a nightmare, my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama.
How have I raised such selfish kids.
I know you say I'm encouraging him, but I cannot throw my son out. If he does have an alcohol problem it'll no doubt spiral and I won't be able to help him.
And as for the baby, I don't know what to think for the best.

OP posts:
Rumbelow · 19/12/2019 20:30

Just seen your updates.

Chuck. Him. Out.

Rumbelow · 19/12/2019 20:32

Nothing is going to change if you arrange his life so conveniently around his bad habits. He needs a wake up call.

Chloemol · 19/12/2019 20:32

I would tell her, I would also be yelling your son to leave

Chloemol · 19/12/2019 20:32

Telling not yelling

gamerchick · 19/12/2019 20:34

Then you'll reap what you have sown OP.

AnotherEmma · 19/12/2019 20:35

"my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama.
How have I raised such selfish kids."

What the fuck? You're blaming your daughter now?

You're one of those, aren't you. Enabling and making excuses for an alcoholic. Blaming people who speak the truth.

I'm glad your daughter told your poor DIL as you clearly weren't going to.

I think you should contact Al Anon and go to some meetings. You probably won't though.

Honeyroar · 19/12/2019 20:35

Your daughter did what you ought to have done. I was feeling sorry for her until you grumbled about her!

What you ought to do now is support your son’s pregnant wife and give your son a kick up the arse. You’re already sounding like you’re go8ng to be “one of those” ex mils. Is he really a raging alcoholic or is he just blaming his crappy behaviour on alcohol? You say you won’t be able to help him, but he’s not listening to you anyway.

Wheresthebeach · 19/12/2019 20:38

Jesus wept you’re blaming your DD???

Oh well then...thats the icing on the cake really. Your son behaves in an absolutely disgusting way and your prepared to hide it from a DIL you claim to love?

Your DD did the right thing, for DIL, and the child. Maybe you should start thinking about some one other than your son?

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