Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

[JingleJingleBelly]

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

I think the op would have told her son's ex but was trying to find the right time and words - it can't be easy and the son may well have denied doing anything he shouldn't.

However her daughter has told on him so that bit is over, It's where to go from here that is a crucial question now.

@Bluerussian I disagree. I don't think she had any intention of telling her, going by her response to her daughter telling her.

You've been to soft with him. He's walking all over you and your home. He's behaving like a spoiled brat. Just tell him what's going to be happening. Either he tells dil or you do. Give him 24 hrs to find alternative accommodation.

Sorry should have read on. So you left it for your dd to tell her. Who's the adult op? Your quite passive op I can tell by your comments. Probably too late to shape his behaviour now.

Well she might have done, we'll never know now. OP was dithering about it in her first post and asking whether we thought she should tell or not; she was probably upset her daughter got there before her/maybe wasn't tactful, however it is now out in the open and she must feel a sense of relief that it was taken out of her hands.

There's more to be concerned about though, her son's drinking. I can feel her anxiety and hope he straightens himself out for everyone's sake, especially his child's (& leaves his parents' home).

We haven't heard much about husband's input if any, a strong dad who sticks to his guns is a great support. It's odd that he is hardly mentioned yet his son is living and behaving badly in, his home. Perhaps he is an 'anything for a quiet life' type - I hope not but if he is, there can't be much of a quiet life for his anxious wife.

I hope the op comes back to this thread and lets us know how things are going. It's a very sad business, I would spiflicate my son if he behaved like that but my husband would have had plenty of input, it wouldn't just have been me carrying the burden.

'spiflicate' is probably not the right word, what I mean is I would lay down the law and do everything possible to make son pull his socks up and straighten himself out, quickly.
(Previous post addressed to differentname.)