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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 19/12/2019 18:49

I’d start by kicking him out. Then I’d tell her I’d done it and why.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/12/2019 18:49

If you want to see your grandchild, tell your DIL. When she finds out later and she will, it will come out that you knew and said nothing.

You will then be the woman who prioritised keeping your son's secret over her health and her baby's health. She'll never speak to you again, and she won't trust you anywhere near the baby.

Rachelle1980 · 19/12/2019 18:53

I would tell her simply for the potential health impacts. On her as well as baby.

If something happened I'd never forgive myself. I have a family member who's virtually deaf in both ears due to std during pregnancy infection, hearing aids help but the impact has been life changing and devastating in his lifetime. I could never not tell someone about cheating because of seeing that (completely avoidable) situation.

RhiWrites · 19/12/2019 18:54

am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

Nothing good can come of lies. You want to conceal his infidelity to salvage the relationship but then it will be a relationship where he cheats on her and you cover for him.

Kick him out and tell her why.

Purpleartichoke · 19/12/2019 18:54

She is the Responsible mother of your grandchild. That trumps any obligation you have to your poorly behaving son.

Tell her

Tell him that staying in your home does not come with overnight guest privileges. I wouldn’t want to wake up to find a stranger in my house.

HisBetterHalf · 19/12/2019 18:55

take the key off him and throw him out

furrymulesandPJs · 19/12/2019 18:55

What heartsonacake said

ShabbyNat · 19/12/2019 18:55

Ive voted YABU for keeping it quiet, definitely tell your DIL & also tell your son to get somewhere else to live!! I would hate it, if I was in your position-waking up to females in my house knowing full well why they were there-for sex with your son because he wanted sex, god knows where this would end up finishing<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Xmas Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/fshock-U_wvXlGW.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Xmas Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/fshock-U_wvXlGW.png"> I would also be trying to keep-up a relationship with your DIL, as it sounds like you really like her<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Xmas Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/fsmile-D7qAwNwF.png">, she could probably need the support & friendship over the coming weeks, months & years, even if youre not her 1st choice of eitherXmas ShockXmas Grin, & finally she is going to give you a grandchildXmas GrinXmas Grin

Nomorechickens · 19/12/2019 18:56

If you want a relationship with your grandchild, you need to prioritise your DiL over your son. eg she needs to be able to trust you to not let your DS have access to the child against her wishes
If your son is hopeless with money, you may find you end up with the bailiffs knocking on your door at 5 in the morning. Better he gets his own place before that happens.
You can't fix your son until he recognises that he has a problem
And definitely no random women in your home!

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 18:57

I feel for you, Jinglebelly.

Just tell your son that while he lives at your house he is not to bring women home, that you have a loyalty to the woman with whom he is having a child. Also that he can find somewhere else to live, a studio flat or something like is probably affordable - you could maybe help him with deposit for that. He's a grown man after all.

The other thing he must do is tell his on/off pregnant girlfriend exactly where she stands with him. Better it comes from him than you but you can threaten him that you will tell her about his antics if he doesn't. No doubt he'll say he was only talking to and drinking coffee with the other women.

Good luck.

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2019 19:01

I mean this kindly but you are enabling his dreadful behaviour. Are you even charging him rent?

Firstly do tell her and align yourself with her and your grandchild. Secondly he has to shape up or ship out and you have to mean it. He pays rent, has no overnight guests and behaves appropriately. If he doesn’t comply he has to leave. He won’t be on the streets.

He absolutely has to face the consequences of his actions and your DIL deserves the truth. If you are loyal to her and have a good relationship to date there’s a good chance she will still allow you in her life.

Very difficult but you do have to take sides here.

Queenoftheashes · 19/12/2019 19:04

Tell her or tell him he needs to. He’s treating her like shit and she doesn’t deserve it.
Also he sounds like a shit liar and totally unsubtle so she’ll find out anyway and it’ll be better for you to be seen as her trusted ally if you want a relationship with her baby.

Tooner · 19/12/2019 19:05

I would most certainly kick him out. I think you have somewhat spoilt him always so he thinks he can do what he wants in your home (and probably in life too) and you will sit back and just let him. I would tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live and to use for his one night stands. He's a bloody disgrace.

I would also tell him he has 24 hours to tell DIL what he is up to or I will be telling her. If he's sleeping around and still sleeping with her God knows what he could be passing on to her and their unborn child.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 19/12/2019 19:05

He has always been quite the drinker.

This says more to me than anything else in your post.

Is your son an alcoholic? Just because his wife is pregnant doesn’t mean he will stop having a drink problem. “Quite the drinker” even the phrase makes it sound like you are not quite acknowledging the brevity of his use of alcohol.

It sounds to me like he needs help, and is spiralling out of control under your very own eyes.

yellowallpaper · 19/12/2019 19:05

I would tell her and ask him to leave as he has no respect for you, your home, the mother of his child or the random women he sleeps with. He's a piece of shit frankly.

MitziK · 19/12/2019 19:07

Of course, you could try a different tactic - be incredibly friendly, talk about how excited everybody is about the grandchild and how you're sure the DIL will be delighted to meet her as she's been hoping he would meet somebody who could persuade him to go back into rehab, she's on her way over now, in fact, as she comes to tea every evening...

And then tell him that if he wants to get pissed and shag around, he does it in his own shitty bedshit home.

nowaypose · 19/12/2019 19:07

I’d kick him out and reach out to DIL. Let her know she has your full support and that you think your son is an absolute arse. I’d also tell her about the other women, people are right re STI’s- they can cause miscarriage or birth defects. She has a right to know what a prick he is so she doesn’t take him back.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/12/2019 19:08

Seriously tell her. For your own sake.

She will find out, probably sooner than later, and she will never trust you again. Show her that you are on the baby's side and that you see her as part of the family.

SoftSheen · 19/12/2019 19:12

Ask your son to leave, tell him why, and then tell your DIL everything. You currently risk losing the trust of your DIL, and potentially, being estranged from your future grandchild.

Strawberryoranges · 19/12/2019 19:12

I wouldn’t tell her. Mainly because i wouldn’t want to be seen as involving myself in their business. What I would do is stop him bringing women into your home!

ineedaholiday11 · 19/12/2019 19:14

He has no respect for you bringing ransoms home to his parents house. He definitely has no respect for your daughter-in-law and clearly isn't making much (any?) effort to prove himself. I'd tell her and let her decide what she wants whilst making clear you care for her and will support her regardless of what she does. Your son needs to step up and be a decent parent/ partner/son. He is letting you all down.

CJsGoldfish · 19/12/2019 19:19

If you stop it in your house he’ll just shag around at hotels or their own houses
So? I don't understand why that is any kind of reason for OP not to let him know she will not be complicit in his disgusting behaviour. He is not 13, he can spring for a hotel.

If he cannot respect you and your home OP, then absolutely I would kick him out. Again, he's 30, not 13, I'm sure he's resourceful enough to find somewhere else. You're just the 'easy' option.

Lastly, I would reach out to your DIL. I can guarantee that she will NEVER forgive you if she knows you knew what he was up to when it eventually comes out. And it will.

AnyFucker · 19/12/2019 19:21

You are more likely to lose contact with your gc if you condone your son shagging about behind your dil's back

Popetthetreehugger · 19/12/2019 19:21

Sit him down and see what he wants to do with his life , then lay out very clearly that your home isn't a hotel where he can bring back any old stray . Your home is going to be a second home to your grandchild. You will do what it takes to give your daughter in law the security of a second family. The choice isn't between your son and daughter in law but him and your grandchild.... no contest 💐

Supersimkin2 · 19/12/2019 19:23

Love, DS's behaviour will only get worse if you carry on housing him. You're enabling his descent into alcoholism.

DS is spending the rent on drink now. His partner has dumped him and he'll lose his DC.

You're paying for that. He couldn't do it without you.

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