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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
QueenOfCatan · 19/12/2019 18:21

Tell her and kick him out. I would happily kick out my child if they behaved like that. He needs to sort himself out sharpish.

newbingepisodes · 19/12/2019 18:21

I'd want my mum in law to tell me.

Vectura · 19/12/2019 18:21

Kick him out. To answer your question, yes I would kick my child out in these circumstances. He’s behaving like a fool and you are enabling it.

Tell your daughter in law. Be a good mother to her instead of your feckless son as she deserves your loyalty more.

Warpdrive · 19/12/2019 18:22

If you kick him out, he may be forced to reflect on his behaviour.

Mishappening · 19/12/2019 18:22

Boot him out - he is using your home as a knocking shop.

Tell "DIL" - she needs to know what a pillock he is, especially as she will have a child to bring up. I am so sorry for you - you must be deeply disappointed in him - such a dreadful feeling for you.

Greenwingmemories · 19/12/2019 18:23

Not criticising you OP, as we all want to be kind and loving parents but I wonder if he's been a bit too comfortable, living cheaply in your house, but not saving money, being given what he wants but without having to take much responsibility for himself. Tbh he sounds like a bit of a man-child. He won't grow up unless he's given some boundaries.

He's an adult and my priority would be my new grand child in that situation. I'm afraid I'd prioritise my relationship with my DiL and future GC and make your son move out. He has to grow up and learn to take responsibility and I'd be honest with the DiL about his behaviour. If she finds out you've been withholding information or even lying to her, she will be very hurt and may decide to prevent you from seeing your GC.

VictoriaBun · 19/12/2019 18:23

Your house, your rules.
He can stay with you, but tell him you object your house being used as a place to bring his ons . Tell him to use his car, there house, back alley etc.

LL83 · 19/12/2019 18:24

I would tell my son I am disgusted with him and if he wants to sleep about it will not be at my house and he should end it properly with DIL if he isnt going to make any effort.

I would also be there for DIL telling her you disagree with sons choices and will always consider her family as mother of your grandchild and hope to support her however you can.

I probably wouldn't go as far as telling her about son sleeping with others.

FFSFFSFFS · 19/12/2019 18:25

If he's sleeping with other women and goes back to your pregnant DIL he could pass on all sorts of nasty sexually transmitted diseases to her which could harm the baby

This. I think this makes it actually a very clear decision - safety of the baby - no matter how remote the risk - takes precedence over EVERYTHING!

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2019 18:27

no words of wisdom from me but i think he has put you in a truly horrible position. I am guessing one day he will reflect on this and wonder why he ever thought those shags and nights drinking were worth losing his child over. Very,very sad. Sad

diddl · 19/12/2019 18:28

I think that you should tell her so that she can move on from him-he is utterly revolting.

I'd also be prepared for her not to want too much to do with you though & for your relationship with your GC to have to be through your son.

Tighnabruaich · 19/12/2019 18:30

He can rent somewhere rather than using your home to bring women back to.
He's a grown man, an adult with a job, not a vulnerable 14-year-old. Other 30-year-old men have their own place where they can entertain their pick-ups.
You say you have a good relationship with your DIL, so I'm not sure she would prevent you from seeing the child, she may be very grateful that you told her the truth about him.

mencken · 19/12/2019 18:34

it's not all right to pass on STDs to a non-pregnant woman, BTW...

sorry you've bred a drunken slut, I appreciate it isn't your fault but his ex-partner needs to know. Tough love time, boot him out explaining clearly why - you don't want randoms in your house anyway. I suspect rock bottom is a lot further down, sadly. And no-one is 'hopeless with money', it is a choice.

Rumbelow · 19/12/2019 18:34

Definitely tell her! You sound lovely, DIL sounds like she’s got her head screwed on right and will be a great mum, with or without DS, and as for him... he sounds like a selfish prick to be frank, and he needs a huge wake-up-call. He behaves this way because he can, he’s always looked after and he always gets away with it. Stop enabling!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 19/12/2019 18:37

You need to speak to your son. Find out if he has actually told her they are over. If he has then he is not doing anything wrong. If not then he is acting like a little shit and he needs to tell her.
When did he last see her? And how long has he been living at yours and does he pay house keeping to you?

As to whether or not you should stop him bringing women back then it is a matter for you to decide bearing in mind the answers to the above.

windycuntryside · 19/12/2019 18:37

Kick his shagging arse out! Not easy I’m sure but at 30 he needs to find the resources to support his child. I hope he doesn’t have another (pregnant) woman calling on you soon.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 19/12/2019 18:38

Stay out of it. He’s still your son.

CakeandCustard28 · 19/12/2019 18:38

Kick him out. He needs a reality check.

Honeyroar · 19/12/2019 18:39

The way you’re going on, letting your son act like a teenager shagging whatever he fancies behind his wife’s back, is what will lose you access to your grandchild when this couple finally split up. He’s an adult. Tell him he can stay at yours while he sorts his life out and either makes it up with his wife or tells her it’s over, but not while he’s sleeping with other people behind her back. If he can’t treat her AND YOU with an ounce of respect he needs to move out somewhere else. And tell him you won’t be hiding the reason he had to move out from his ex. Teach him that he can’t just ditch his pregnant wife and pick up the life he had as a teenager. Loving him doesn’t going along with everything he does. Tough shit if he doesn’t want to discuss it, it’s your house!!

sleepingkat2020 · 19/12/2019 18:40

i would tell her. to be honest if i found out my MIL had lied to me about something like this I would judge her morals and there is no way I would leave my child with her (for fear something would happen and she wouldnt tell me). I would tell your DIL, hoping to maintain a good relationship with the child. If she finds out on her own you may find yourself AND your son cut out.

Also I dont think you have to turn your back on your son or kick him out at all - hes your son. This way you are staying neutral with both of them.

MerryDeath · 19/12/2019 18:40

i'd tell her. i'd be so disappointed in my son... and having been in your DIL situation sort of.. well i'd always have the back of the person with the moral high ground.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/12/2019 18:44

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.

He'd probably move in with one of his women?

If he doesn't listen, instantly forgets anything it benefits him to forget, and blames any indiscretions on drinking which he doesn't intend to do anything about, you may as well just put a bowl of condoms on his bedside table in hopes that he doesn't pass something nasty to your DIL (and possibly his child) if he gets back with her.

CinderellasSecrets · 19/12/2019 18:45

You say you think of your DIL as a daughter - then tell her. If you really care about her then don't betray her trust like your son has, it will be two betrayals to deal with instead of one at a time when she shouldn't be stressing out at all! You need to tell her!

Your son has acted disgustingly, he is a grown man soon to be dad and he needs to grow up and act accordingly. You are enabling his behaviours by allowing it to continue under your roof - clearly he has little respect for anyone in this situation, not you, not his wife, not his future child and not even himself.

As for her not allowing you to see the child, their relationship whether she knows it yet or not is mist likely over thanks to your selfish cheating son, who would she be more likely to trust: the MIL who lied and hid something this important from her, or the MIL who had enough care and respect for her to tell her the truth?

ukgift2016 · 19/12/2019 18:47

Why are you allowing random women into your home? My mum had a massive go at my brother for doing this and he did not even have a partner!

If you want an relationship with your grandchild, be a decent person and lay down the law with your son. You raised him. There is a reason he is like this. Accept responsibility. You are enabling this awful behaviour.

Bluefargo · 19/12/2019 18:48

The only way he will grow up is if you throw him out!