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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
Stegosaurus1990 · 19/12/2019 17:54

I wouldn’t get involved. But I would stop him bringing women back to your house. Irrespective of his relationship status that’s totally disrespectful. If he doesn’t like it he can pack his bags.

rudolfsquiffy · 19/12/2019 17:56

Tell him to he must tell her himself.

Original poster
JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:56

Also my daughter in law is lovely. But hot headed. From what I gather she has had a much harder upbringing than my son.
I'm concerned she may stop me seeing the grandchild if she were to find out

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/12/2019 17:57

Tell her-she deserves more

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 18:00

She would be much more likely to stop you seeing the grandchild if she knew you had lied to her, honestly.

And you have to throw him out if you are not comfortable with him bringing strangers back, that is a serious breach of guest etiquette and potentially your security. It's not an unreasonable rule and if you give him the ultimatum he may stop.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2019 18:01

Yes of course you kick him out. He’s treating her, you and your home/generosity with complete disrespect and you’re enabling him to live the single life while she’s facing single parenthood with a deadbeat loser ex.

Roselilly36 · 19/12/2019 18:02

What a terrible situation to be in, it’s your home, tell him he will have to move out if he keeps up this behaviour. DIL does deserve to know, but you shouldn’t be the person to tell her IMHO. It’s your sons responsibility.

Houseworkavoider · 19/12/2019 18:02

You have my sympathy Flowers
Your Ds is behaving terribly and as his Dm it must be so hard to see!
Ultimately he is your Ds so I would recommend talking to him -not losing your rag.
He might be struggling with impending fatherhood and a drink problem. Well he clearly has a drink problem already and it’s wrecking his happiness.

I’ve been in your Dils position and I’m so grateful to my lovely Mil for her support. She had to hear some stuff about her own Ds that must have really hurt her.

Maybe give alanon a call? They know all about this stuff x

mbosnz · 19/12/2019 18:03

He makes a decent living. It's up to him to sort out a roof over his head. He sounds like he's fully cooked as a human being, and now it's time he learned how to fend for himself. Certainly if he's going to continue to show such complete contempt for those who are very kindly enabling him to avoid functioning as a mature adult.

heartsonacake · 19/12/2019 18:06

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.

He’s an adult, and he’s behaving like this and is in this position because you’ve been pandering to him his whole life, OP. He’s always got what he wanted, never short of anything... that’s the reason why he’s like this. Because he doesn’t have the basic life skills necessary, and the only way he’ll get them is if you cut the apron strings.

I’m concerned she may stop me seeing the grandchild if she were to find out

Ahh, there we go. You won’t tell her your son is cheating on her because it might impact you.

She is more likely to allow you to see her child if she knows she can trust you than if you keep this hidden from her, because she will find out eventually.

By not telling her you are just proving to her you can’t be trusted, which means she isn’t likely to let you see her child.

Kimbo180 · 19/12/2019 18:06

So tell him this place is not a knocking shop and if you bring someone else back underneath ur roof that youl ask him to leave..... and get his own place ....becoz when the d.i.l. does find out shel be angry at you for allowing it to happen.. youl get the blunt of it all. I wouldnt say anything tbh

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 19/12/2019 18:07

Kick him out and tell him to grow the fuck up.

His dw deserves to know what a cunt he is.

BonnyConnie · 19/12/2019 18:08

I think that if you tell her it gives them a chance to break up and establish an effective coparenting relationship before the baby arrives (as opposed to Anastazjia break up in the presence of the child which could be awful). It also means that she won’t have anymore children with someone who treats her so badly (she deserves the chance to avoid digging herself into a deeper hole). It also shows her that she can rely on you which will hopefully make it more likely that she will ask you to be a part of your grandchild’s life when they inevitably break up one way or another.

beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 18:09

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go

He has a job. he has a wage coming in. He'll go where the rest of us go when we leave home- he'll have to rent somewhere like everyone else in the entire world. This man is going to be a father soon- he is not a 17 year old who is still at school. I feel like you are treating him as if he is a child, but he's not. He's a grown adult and he needs to face up to his responsibilities like the rest of us. Tell him- no more women coming back to the house and to man up to his responsibilities.

Coquohvan · 19/12/2019 18:10

As hard as is going to be. You really need to tell her 1) she may well contract a sexual decease from him 2) if your dil finds out and you knew but didn’t say to her you will most definitely not see your GC. I wound not.
He’s a grown man About to be a father at 30 not some teenage student drinking and sexing it around.
Not your fault OP he is doing this, though you can impose rules if he stays in your house.
Good luck

champagneandfromage50 · 19/12/2019 18:12

Sounds like your more worried about seeing your grandchild than the actual situation . Your DS has brought this on and is truly an awful individual. In relation to bringing girls back, your home it's your rules. If your worried about not seeing your grandchild and this girl is hot headed when she finds out you were aware not only that your DS was sleeping with other girls but also in your house I think that is the nail in the coffin I am afraid... so you need to be supportive of her and have a fierce conversation with your DS as it's his behaviour that has caused this mess. I feel for the poor girl finding herself now pregnant and single.

Coyoacan · 19/12/2019 18:13

Well first of all, you are well within your rights to tell him he can't live there if he is going to bring women back, or indeed at all. He is a guest in your home and that is rude

Isn't that generally where DILs get upset, when their MILs let their sons bring other women back to their house.

He is 30, has a job and can afford to go out drinking frequently. He will not end up sleeping under a bridge, OP.

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 18:15

I would actually kick him out for putting you in this position in the first place.

Coyoacan · 19/12/2019 18:16

The important thing here is the child. I've always told my dd that as soon as she had children, their wellbeing would be the important thing.

Keeping good relations with your DIL means that you will be able to make a position contribution to your helpless grandchild's life, which is much more important than helping their useless father.

Wheresthebeach · 19/12/2019 18:16

He needs to move out. Sharpish. He’s not a teenager.

Tell him to tell her or you will. And mean it.

AppleKatie · 19/12/2019 18:17

I would sit him down and tell him to grow the fuck up. He is an adult, currently a guest in your home because he can’t control his drinking and step up to the fact that he is soon to be a father. Ask him what sort of father sleeps around in his mummy’s house while his GF is pregnant.

I would give him one chance- one 24 hour period to tell the truth to DIL and agree to change. If he couldn’t do that (or if indeed he slips after a few days) he would be out on his ear.

If he fails to tell DIL I would tell her. I would also tell her you love her, and that she and the baby are your priority, and I would listen to her and find out what she really wants/needs. And if you want a relationship with your GC I would really really listen and take on board what she says.

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2019 18:18

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.

He'd find somewhere. He could be a lodger or rent a flat. He's a grown man and he has to learn that actions have consequences.

Majorcollywobble · 19/12/2019 18:18

I think you should tell her . He’s put you in an impossible position by entertaining these women under your roof . Total lack of respect for you and his partner .

YouJustDoYou · 19/12/2019 18:19

He's bringing strangers into your home. He's shagging around and being deceitful to the mother of his child who thinks they are still together. If it were my son I'd tell him to be a decent fucking human being, tell the poor woman the truth, and the bringing strangers into the house thing stops immediately or he can fuck off out on his own somewhere. If he gives her any STIs he's picked up from whomever he's sleeping with it can harm the baby - so who's going to protect that child?

beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 18:19

If he fails to tell DIL I would tell her. I would also tell her you love her, and that she and the baby are your priority, and I would listen to her and find out what she really wants/needs. And if you want a relationship with your GC I would really really listen and take on board what she says

Totally agree. The baby is the important one now. He has a job and can make his own choices. The baby does not.

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